On One Hand

June 28, 2003

Quote of the Week

Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 2:07 am

“The modern conservative is engaged in one of man’s oldest exercises in moral philosophy; that is, the search for a superior moral justification for selfishness.”
-John Kenneth Galbraith

I know everyone gets tired of the political stuff, and I suppose the quote is a bit mean, and then there’s the fact that I have no idea who John Kenneth Galbraith is, but it was just too true to how I feel to pass up.

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June 25, 2003

Pride (2)

Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 12:18 am

There are these two conflicting forces in my life. There’s the part of me that doesn’t want to make my sexuality everything, that wants to see being non-hetero for what it is (not a central part of my life) and wants me to just be a normal person. Then there’s the part of me that wants to meet someone and find my soulmate NOW, and so I feel like I have to go do all the gay things (clubs, pride events, gay hangout spots) to try to meet him NOW so that hopefully soon, when I’m in a relationship and won’t need to be hunting for a gay guy to start a relationship with, the fact that I’m gay won’t be so important anymore. That’s all subconscious I suppose, because really I don’t expect to meet the guy I’ll marry for a long time. Even a relationship that just lasts a few months would be nice though, and I’m partially looking for that. Have I mentioned that I’ve never had a boyfriend before?

I really didn’t understand the Pride concept when I was younger. Being queer isn’t an accomplishment, so what’s to be proud of? Now I sort of realize the whole thought process: Eventually, no matter how much it sucks to be the one thing that the world seems to hate more than anything else, you have to just stop lamenting about it and be glad to be who you are. That goes for every dissapointment in life, and everyone, no matter what their shortcoming is, gets through it. Pride is a way for GLBT people to prove it to themselves that they aren’t ashamed of it. (Even though, on some level, most of us still sort of are.) It’s not any more flaunting for GLBTQ people to celebrate Pride day than it is flaunting for Christians to celebrate Christmas or Americans to celebrate Independence Day. None of these groups really have to celebrate, but we all celebrate, maybe for what I just said, (to prove that we’re comfortable with ourselves) or maybe for the sake of tradition, or for whatever other reason. When I think about it, I realize that most people who take it so personally when homosexuals go around “flaunting” are really the same exact people who are going around falsely saying it’s just a choice, who are either haters or in doubt of their own sexual preferences. As for the point behind all the gay clubs and hangout places; that’s where we all just go to meet each other, because it’s not like you can just go to the mall and see a hot guy and say “hey, would you happen to be into guys? Because, I was just thinking, you’re very attractive, and if you are indeed a fag, I would like to call you sometime.”

I’m just praying that when I get to CU sexuality won’t be so important anymore. I know how it is in highshool: once you stop denying it, everyone assumes that you’re gay, and that’s ALL you are to them and they don’t care to learn anything else about you and it’s all that you’re allowed to be. You can’t be a funny person, you can’t be an intellectual person, you can’t be an odd person. You’re always a funny gay person, a smart gay person, or an odd gay person. Everyone says that when you get to be an adult, it’s different, and I’m definitely hoping that it’s true. Being a fag in highschool, I’m too “different” to fit in with straight people, and I’m not camp enough to fit in with gay people, because so many of them seem to want to make it everything about who they are. I’m tired of everyone deciding who I am and I’m tired of my parents and everyone else planning my life…I’m counting down the days until I leave and I’ll finally be able to at least have a chance to break away from everyone prescribing who I am for good.

June 23, 2003

Proud to be me

Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 12:51 am

Today was one of the worst days that I’ve been through in a long time. I thought I was done with difficult days like today. The drama and the pain is supposed to be part of the highschool experience, finally to end at graduation. Everything goes well for a while, then, suddenly, when you’re expecting a really great day, God says “TAKE THAT” and the steady uphill trend in life tumbles over a cliff.

So today I went to Pride. I would say that by going there I was actuing out of character as a person who is really not a fan of the whole “flaunt your sexuality” concept, except that I don’t really consider just being present at Pride to be flaunting anything. I was today as I always am: I’m just an observer to the outrageous spectacle that is the queer community; I only, by chance, happen to be also a member. (Kidding.) But really… if you think that it’s flaunting, who, then, were we flaunting it to anyway? Everyone downtown today was hetero-flexible or very supportive, so everyone was basically just flaunting themselves to each other, if you really must call it that, so I don’t think the issue was flaunting sexuality at all.

Pride was okay. I touched bases with a few people, met a few very attractive guys, made a few new friends and got tons of free lube and condoms. I went with a group of friends… one just so happened to be the one guy that I’m always talking about on here, and though I really never desire or expect much from him, as it always is after I’m around him, I ended the day feeling extremely rejected. This minor rejection shouldn’t be that big of an issue, but if I were to list a history of my past relationships on here then everyone would see how it is and everyone would understand how I really don’t need to have this thing go on yet again in my life, even if it is to a much lesser degree.

I also made an ass of myself to everyone else I was with. It’s just that, whenever I’m in an awkward situation such as today with this guy, I behave awkwardly, and I don’t quite digest and absorb the envoronment as quickly as it seems that most other people can. I didn’t do anything extremely wrong or taboo, but after times like theese, when I think back at all the petty things I did, my composure, mannerisms, choice of words, and actions, I just tend to get disgusted with myself.

I was driving home just after dark, not expecting a certian promised phone call because I know it won’t happen. (Actually, two phone calls from two different people that won’t happen.) I hit a dog. Mind you all, I’ve never SEEN a dog be hit by a car, let alone be the one to hit it. It was horrible. I couldn’t slow down in time and I couldn’t swerve because there was another car in the other lane. I remember thinking, just the very second before the quiet but deafening thud and yelp that is still to this moment ringing in my head, that if this were a not a dog but a kid running recklessly across the street at night, I would be hitting a real person. Thank God it wasn’t a kid. I didn’t freak out instantly because I wasn’t completely comprehending what was happening. A few seconds later though, as the dog half-ran-half-blundered away with probably a great deal of internal bleeding and one or two legs broken, I got a grip of what happened. I had completely stopped the car by now and I watched the dog flee across the median to the other side of the road, only to be hit again by an SUV going the opposite direction, flip up in the air, land on it’s side, and stagger away along the edge of the street, coming within inches of being hit by a third vehicle. Out of all the people involved, I was the only one who stopped. I just sat there, stunned, wondering what I could do, and figured I probably couldn’t do anything, (it’s not like I could get out in all this traffic, to run back the way I had come and get the dog, pick it up and put it in my car) so regretfully I left. I called a few people out of distress, hung out with some new friends I exchanged numbers with at Pride and bummed a cigarette from one of them. (Yes, I broke the only smoking on Thursday rule, but jeez, I had good reason.) The messages I left with the people I called, and I can’t remember the details, sounded something like “Oh God I hit a fucking dog and it flipped up and yelped and then got hit again and it was fucking fliping through the air and oh shit I can’t believe this and it ran across and it Ohhhhh God etc…

So forgive me, animal lovers, I didn’t mean it. I mean, I’m the guy who frowned on the Leather guys in the Pride parade becaues I am a PETA sympathetic and a liberal vegetarian. It’s not as if I’m not the worst possible person in the world that this could happen to. Coincedentally, the dog was exactly the type of dog I would get if I were to go get my own someday. (Okay I’m not exactly sure what it was but the word that is coming to my head is “boxer.” If that’s a type of dog, that’s what it was.)

After puffing the cigarette and talking over the dog incident with the people I was with afterword, my mind kept going back to the whole rejection thing. I drove home late at night thinking of that. Life just sucks sometimes. Sometimes, the loud music and pretty lights that go by when you’re driving fast at night isn’t enough to make it all go away.

June 21, 2003

just a friend

Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 1:35 am

If you have a friend who you used to be in love with, it’s so easy to get confused. It’s easy to only pay attention to the best things when you’re getting mixed messages, and since you don’t see the whole picture you end up let down. It’s easy to get hurt when you realize that you really aren’t a big part of that person’s life anymore; that you really aren’t the focus of attention that the person was and maybe still is for you. It’s easy to get upset when you start to wonder if you ever were all that important at all. All those feelings are hard to avoid and they’re just salt on the still open wound of rejection… but only if you choose to look at it that way.

What seems to be so hard for anyone to understand is that if the person you can’t have suddenly turned around and accepted you with open arms in some new revelation that the two of you are somehow meant to be, chances are that someday you would realize that you aren’t meant to be, and that the right person for you is really still out there. People don’t understand that you can love someone alot and care about them alot and just be happy when they’re happy and not need to be their one-and-only, because if God meant for it to turn out that way you both would have recognized it and it would have come true. I’m not saying that this is always the case, but if you can ever see that it’s possible that this is the case, it probably is. So many people I know act like they love somebody but secretly hope for the worst for that person because they feel rejected. I know how it goes; I’ve been there. But doesn’t it just get old?

So look, Bud, here’s the thing… I love you. I don’t care if anyone thinks that I shouldn’t; I still do. And I know I’ve said this to you so many times before and you probably don’t need to hear it again, but I’m saying it again anyway, not necessarily for you, but for myself: I’ll always care about you, and I’ll always be there for you. You know, in a time in my life that was really difficult and confusing, you were the first person I ever felt so safe with and the first person I ever cared about so innocently. You were the first person that I felt cared for that way by. You will always be significant to me; it’s a place no one else will ever be able to fill. All I can do is thank you so much for what you gave me and who you were and still are for me, and hope the best for you. It’s people like you that make me realize that the phrase “just a friend” is misleading. I love you… just promise me you won’t take that for granted.

June 20, 2003

Not Qualified

Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 11:57 pm

So I didn’t get the job with the Activism place. I went in with a friend for an interview and a manager told us a little about the organization, and judging by what the guy talked about and what the other applicants talked about, I really have nowhere near the knowledge of environmental issues that I would need to work with them. Some people applying had already graduated from college, and the rest were at least second or third year students. Then there was April and I, just graduated from high school, one of us still underage, with me trying to explain to April what a renewable resource is. When it was my turn for an interview, I just sat down and told him that I knew I wasn’t qualified for the job but if there was any chance I could volunteer to help with something I would be happy to. There wasn’t any way to volunteer. They were cool people though, and I know I’ll want to get involved with that sort of group in the future, and the very least that the experience gave me is that now I know where I need to be to be able to work with them.

So I stuck around in Boulder for a while and hung out with some people I know there. While I was there a group of new students were visiting the school for orientation so I talked to a few of them and ran into a few people I know. There are a lot of people from my high school going to CU with me. I kind of have mixed feelings about it. I’m glad to be able to see some of them again, but really, now that it’s been a few weeks after school got out, I’m thinking that if I never saw them again I would’t particularly miss them, (no offense) and it would have been nice to start completely over with an entirely new environment. Oh well though; with 6,000 incoming freshmen there has to be a big enough number of people I don’t know so that I’ll have a good opportunity to re-establish myself without being tied down by how I was before.

April and I have probably seen too much of each other; she’s starting to get sick of me and I’m starting to get tired of the fact that, even though it’s her who’s always calling me every day early in the morning to wake up RIGHT NOW and go do something that I’m half willing to do, when I do it, all day she acts as if she doesn’t want me around and she gets annoyed with me very easily. I really don’t want to be putting up with that kind of attitude right now. It’s not as if I don’t have other friends, who, by the way, I haven’t seen in quite a while because I’m spending every day with the same person. I think if we just take a few days off from each other everything will be back to normal; April really is a fun person to be around most of the time. I just don’t want her to take it too personally if I don’t want to go out tomorrow.

June 16, 2003

Ten Random Thoughts of the Month

Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 12:05 am

Helpful Hints

1. Mice don’t really like cheese that much

2. Be sure to chew each bite at least 25 times

3. That thing in the back of your throat is not called a dingy

4. If a time machine is possible, why isn’t there anyone visiting from the future?

5. You will have to throw up sometime in the future from now until you die

6. Jesus saves to the hard drive, but backs it up on a floppy

7. It’s been a government conspiracy for years: Spanish and Italian are actually the same language

8. No matter how flexible you may be, in the English language, there is no way to oral yourself

9. This month I think I’ll just skip number ten

June 15, 2003

Want Add

Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 12:21 am

It’s really difficult to get a job right now. (I blame the president, and maybe, just a little, myself.) I’ve looked around at a whole lot of places, applied at several, and I haven’t had much luck. Since I’m somewhat picky and don’t want to work with fast food, I’ll just have to face the fact that it’s going to be even harder to get a job. Of all the places I applied, I have a pretty good chance of getting stuck at the grocery store, which sucks.

After all the looking, April and I finally got the bright idea of checking out the want adds in the newspaper for a job, since it appears that door-to-door job shopping at retail places isn’t working for us. April, being just… well, the way that she is, called up a few places from different adds, I guess not realizing that most of them were asking for a college degree. Mind you that the two of us just graduated from highschool a few weeks ago and don’t have much experience.

So I was looking at the page and I was thinking “damn… I don’t think any of these people are looking to hire seasonally, and all I want is a summer job.” Then this add popped out at me. Really, I should have seen it sooner. It was right in the middle of the page, in different font and text and the whole box had a bolder outline; it stood out more than any other add on the page. The first thing I noticed was the headline, in bold text, read Summer Jobs. Just above it in smaller text was the word ACTIVISM, which, of course, is of interest to me. Basically, it’s for some sort of environmental organization focused on getting more renewable resources into use instead of coal and gas power. We called the number on the add and I suppose they’ll get back to us around Monday or later.

I’m pretty optimistic about the thing. I know there’s a good chance that when I find more out about the group I’ll realize that I either don’t want or can’t have the job there, but oh well. Even if they won’t hire me I’ll consider whether or not I can still at least voulenteer, because I’m interested in getting involved in that kind of activist group. And if it all doesn’t work out, there’s always King Soopers.

June 13, 2003

No passing notes in class

Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 11:34 pm
Tags:

Conversation between Matt Pizzuti and Mallory Rubbo;
By means of notebook paper, a pencil, and a blue BIC pen.
7:50 AM. April 23, 2003. High School Economics Class. First hour.

MALLORY: It would be hard to be a vegetarian if you were an eskimo b/c there is not alot of vegetation!

MATT: I still eat fish, but in any case, I am not an eskmo.

MALLORY: But fish are hard to catch, maybe u were an eskimo in ur last life

MATT: What has THAT got to do with anything?

End conversation
8:05 AM. April 23, 2003. High School Economics Class. First hour.
NO PASSING NOTES IN CLASS

June 12, 2003

Republicans

Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 2:08 am

I don’t have anything personal against republicans. They can be very nice people. They’re very friendly and personable, and they tend to be very clean-cut. In fact, most of them would make really good cheerleaders and sport team owners and salespeople. I say let them all do that. And why not?! Just leave the running of the country to people who who know what they’re doing, who give a shit about minorities and civil rights and education and the environment and public safety, and, well, pretty much anything but tax cuts.

I’d really like to know: why is this the party that’s thought of as the moral party? Why are they thought of as the Christian party? The only thing they are that’s “moral” or “Christian” is anti sex. (Well, I don’t think that sexual freedom is necessarily immoral or anti-christian anyway, so scratch that.) Everything else they stand for is the opposite of moral. Does anyone actually think that Jesus would favor “trickle-down” economics? I could just see it now… “Lets all give money to the Pharisees and Sadducees and it’ll eventually get down to the poor little jews and gentiles in the long run,” says Jesus. “We need to get all these people off of welfare because they’re just abusing the system.” Yeah… he’d say that. Moral my ass. Like I said; cheerleaders and salespeople.

June 11, 2003

Attitude

Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 12:47 am

Isn’t it funny how a friendship always seems to be stronger when you’ve put up with a lot of shit through it? I figure you can always quantify your love for someone by what you’ve forgiven in them. It seems like a strange thought, but if you think about it, it really works that way. In my experience, at least, you don’t really know someone until you’ve seen their faults, and in most cases, when you’ve borne the brunt of them. That’s the whole reason why we’re here, I suppose; to learn to forgive and to love through all the obstacles. There are many little lessons and experiences that are good, but at the core, that’s what life is all about. That’s why humans were made imperfect: you’re gaining nothing if you only love people who do no wrong. (And now we bring to close my theophilosophical thought for the evening.)

The biggest problem I’ll ever have with anybody is always going to be if they have a negative attitude toward other people and they can’t forgive. It’s just a sign of an immature person, I think. If someone is judgmental, critical, pessimistic, condescending or hateful, I can’t get over it. That kind of attitude bothers me more than any skewed priority, more than any quirk, vice or vanity. If it’s a person who can’t tolerate people, and especially, of course, if they can’t tolerate me, it’ll be a person I’m not likely to respect. (The preceding sentences are the several different ways I’ve managed to say pretty much the same thing.) I just tend to be really flabbergasted by people who hate someone for things that don’t even really hurt everyone else. I’ll hear someone talking about someone being a slut or someone who has a messed up personal life or someone who has some annoying tendency, and I just want to grab the shit talker by the shoulders and scream “OKAY LOOK, THEY NEVER HURT YOU, ASSHOLE! QUIT MAKING IT YOUR BUSINESS!” But then again, I’ve got to put up with these judgmental immature people, right? Otherwise, I would be a forgiving person myself.

The person I’d like to get to know is the person who has a good sense of humor and can laugh off the bad things that inevitably come up from time to time. I’d like to find people who can focus on the positive and who really know how to live for the moment and not worry about things that you can’t do anything about. A cool person is basically a mature person, in my opinion. Someone might ask me what the type of guy I’m looking for or the type of friend I like to associate with and when I list a hundred personality traits, they think I’m asking too much from people. Maybe they’re right. But really, all that I’m asking goes together with a mature personality. Someone who’s optimistic is likely to also be open and friendly, someone who has a good sense of humor is likely to forgiving as well. So at the core of it, I’m really just asking for one key thing.

Now don’t get me wrong about how I feel about criticism; it’s fine to rip and roast people, to point out errors and flaws, and to give someone a really hard time, if it’s all in good humor. All comedians are critical. But there’s a big difference between poking fun of someone and just complaining and being an ass. Attitude, and I know it’s cliche, really is everything. When I was a kid I heard that attitude is 98% of life and I thought it was a bunch of crap: since my parents always accused me of “giving them attitude,” I thought, since I was always hearing my attitude was off, the whole concept made me a bad person. Now that I understand the language and meaning a little better, all I can think of it is that it’s completely true.

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