On One Hand

October 14, 2003


Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 11:43 pm
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The focus of last Thursday’s sociology class was a video of several women lounging in a small room on pillows and couches, looking at, and taking pictures of, each others’ genitals. The video included close-up shots of different vaginas and the group therapist, an older, curly-haired woman with large glasses, describing the organs and their constituent parts.
“Oh, this one is a renaissance vulva if I ever saw one. Look how the inner labia has those gorgeous flamboyant frills. It’s truly beautiful,” she would say, with the enthusiastic voices of the other younger women in concurrence in the background.
“This one – this is an art deco. Look how clean-cut and simple it is. Look at the pink color. Look at the well-defined shape of the clitoris. Incredible.”
When the video was finally over and the lights came on, the topic of conversation was which guys were the most flushed. Some were hunched over with legs crossed or their books placed conveniently in the upper part of their laps, but most were just red-faced and uncomfortable. “Oh, he’s not blushing at all,” one girl said, indicating toward me. Personally, I found the video enlightening. I had never known what a vagina actually looks like spread open like that. I guess they were, in a way, kind of cute.

After a few days of wild shapes vaguely resembling soggy flowers flashing through my head, I finally had a dream about one. It wasn’t a full-blown sex dream with the sudden need for a change of clothes and possibly new sheets, but it was nonetheless very charged. It involved a naked female figure lying on some hard surface in front of me, myself, one finger extended, trying to get the individual off, and some sort of sliding-glass door and blur of other irrelevant objects in the background. I’ve never had more than the slightest heterosexual inclinations my entire life, yet here I was doing my business not thinking that anything was unusual about the situation. I was simply trying to bring the lifeless body to orgasm by rubbing the tiny button above the hole with my index finger. Nothing weird about that. She was lying completely still; she only expressed a twinge of motion when she finally came. I woke up like I normally would after a sex dream that hadn’t come to completion; my alarm was going off so I got up and got dressed as usual. Nothing unusual went through my head. It had just been a sex dream like any other.

It wasn’t until I was walking to my sociology class this afternoon that it occurred to me that the body in my dream had been female. I was kind of shocked by the realization and I think I may have laughed out loud. I figured that during the dream I wasn’t doing anything to a person per se, rather, to a soulless body, but it was still female, which is entitled to at least a certain degree of contemplation. I vaguely remember during the dream the thought that this was a male individual in a female’s body, which would lessen to an extent the implications of the dream, but my mind probably just added that aspect later on. I would expect to have been taken aback by the female body, but during the dream I wasn’t. I’ve always been inspired by the suggestions that no one is one hundred percent heterosexual to think that maybe no one is one hundred percent homosexual either. It’s possible. Whatever the case, I know that I still like guys. I definitely still like guys.



  1. um… is this kinda like the same denial that closeted guys might have? wait, just kidding, you might get offended by that… wow, you kinda like the pussy… no biggie, but you shouldn’t like try to ignore the damn thing either… you had the dream for a reason, you’re obviously curious about women… even though it might just be a womens body and nothing more… hell having one dream about it doesn’t make you straight… and you kinda sound ashamed of it… no reason to be… it’s natural to want to explore new things… unless the women involved was that old one with glasses, then you clearly have a problem… *shudders just thinking of what she’d look like…*

    – me

    Comment by Anonymous — October 15, 2003 @ 1:22 pm | Reply

    • You know, it’s really quite entertaining how many inferences you make from that one entry. Who says I’m ashamed of something? Where did you even get that from? Who says I was worried? Like I said in the entry, I laughed when I realized what happened in the dream.

      I am not in a rush to figure anything out here. I am always aware of how I feel, and I’m always skeptical of all possibilities in any issue. When I was young I tried to be straight for enough time to realize now that your sexuality exists separetly from the world you can control. To tell you the truth, I’ve always wanted to be bisexual. I think it’s about the urge to have at least a hint of heterosexual masculinity in me, probably resulting from internalized homophobia. Since the dream, though, women haven’t had any kind of sexual appeal for me, and it would be really tough to have a relationshp with a girl if I’m only attracted to her while I’m asleep. That is why I am waiting things out; I won’t deny the possibility that this happens to everyone and doesn’t mean anything at all. In any case, I don’t really care.

      Comment by ononehand — October 15, 2003 @ 4:16 pm | Reply

  2. Train of thought…

    Have you ever taken one of those ink blob tests? I remember seeing a presentation a while back and, interestingly enough, there was this one ink stain that, either you saw two women having tea, or the face of a man–or somethin like that. Anyways, the point was that if you saw the two women, and you were a woman, you were supposable straight, and if you saw them but were male, you were gay. I don’t know how much of that’s founded, but I remember wonder… what if you saw a bat?? lol… I mean if you look long enough at an image, you’ll end up finding those pictures, but the fact is, we’re still ultimately looking for something that wasn’t necessarily meant to be there. I know this will seem contradictory, seen as I do believe that dreams are important in some cases and can help you understand various stress factors that are present in your life–some you weren’t necessarily aware of actually–but I think it always depend on the feeling you get from them. I think the meaning we extract from it is mainly what we need to work through. Sometimes it’s insecurities, sometimes it’s fears, and other times it’s well… an over active libido πŸ˜‰ I’m just teasing though, ’cause it’s entirely possible that you just looked at that thing so long that you ended up dreaming of it.

    Though it seems to me like the fact that the person was female was unimportant to you until you came to that realization. If it didn’t seem all that important then, what were the important elements? Always according to you of course. I don’t know if you try to interpret your dreams usually, but other factors could easily contradict what another person could potentially automatically assume–ie that you’re “not so gay after all.”

    But I think personally that we all sort of have those tendencies so to speak. I think it’s safe to say that we’re basically attracted to what we consider beauty. So it’s not because we’re turned on by one, that we’re not attracted at times to another. The only thing I guess is whether you’re comfortable with that idea or whether you reject it.

    //did I get carried away…? *blushes*//

    Comment by wisdom_war — October 15, 2003 @ 3:56 pm | Reply

    • Re: Train of thought…

      Actually, what you say makes alot of sense. I have, in fact, taken an ink-blob test, and the result was that I am motivated by “peace”. (WHATEVER) In general I think that all of you are going a little to deep into this entry; I meant it as more of a cute human interest flick not intended to shake anyone’s sense of reality. All of my dreams are absurd. If you want to get an idea of what my dreams are like, read Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead or Waiting For Godot. (Maybe that’s why I like stories like that. They make most people uncomfortable, but for me, they remind me of my dreams.)

      If you want me to explain other activities that went on in my dream (my dreams always include a lot of jumping around from one activity to another and eventually coming back to the first), I could do that. For example, I remember some guy, who, like the woman, was more of a symbol than a real person, who was sitting on a split-rail fence outside the sliding glass door. I remember feeling this overwhelming love for the guy and the feeling that I knew him, and we were just having a casual conversation. That’s how dreams go: crazy shit happens, but at the time I think of it as normal. Anyway, the guy-on-the-fence scenario didn’t mean anything significant to me because I often have dreams about an attachment to someone (almost always a guy, it’s maybe even the same guy each time) without much background information. It’s full of stuff like that. Pretty soon I won’t even remember.

      Comment by ononehand — October 15, 2003 @ 4:28 pm | Reply

      • Re: Train of thought…

        I know what you mean πŸ˜‰ heheh… I had a dream not so long ago that had my sister diving into an auditorium :S //yes, I did say auditorium, not aquarium lol…// and all I could think of that dream was… what was that blue light bulb for anyways? lol… some dreams are really entertaining though, you have to admit πŸ˜‰ That one I mentioned was just… ermm… *raises an eyebrow*

        But there are still some that are quite perturbing.

        Comment by wisdom_war — October 15, 2003 @ 5:00 pm

  3. You amaze me more everyday. That was adorable.

    Comment by ms_misdirected — October 15, 2003 @ 4:09 pm | Reply

  4. I guess they were, in a way, kind of cute.
    hahahaha i laughed out loud when i read that! i have actually seen the video that you watched and it was…well interesting and enlightening. it made me really realize how many women, including myself, find our genitals disgusting. i think that we don’t even realize how ashamed we are because it is ingrained in us since we learn about our genitals.

    as for your dream
    that is totally 100% normal
    i have had atleast 3 dreams that i recall where i have a penis and i am having sex with another girl. i know that i am not attracted to girls in that way and that my dream was just that, a dream.

    freud was full of shit … i don’t really take any kind of analysis that came from his studies seriously … including dream analysis. you watched a video about vaginas.
    it was interesting and informative.
    your brain took those thoughts and looped them with your regular sex dreams and viola you ended up dreaming about fingering some chick. there was no emotion in the dream, you weren’t passionate and neither was she, it was like you were flicking on and off a light switch to see what would happen. this is not something that should even begin to make you question your current sexuality!

    don’t listen to anonymous who obviously likes to read into things way too much.

    Comment by missargyle — October 15, 2003 @ 6:32 pm | Reply

    • Well anonymous might be a good person.

      Anyway, yes I know it’s just a dream, it probably doesn’t mean shit, but it’s so fun to think about, and I love talking about it. So, if you don’t mind, I think I will continue running around and making a big hell of a deal out of this because I am enjoying it so much.

      Maybe I can be one of those “bi” guys who happens to only date guys and mess around with guys, yet insists that he is still bi. It will be so much fun.

      Comment by ononehand — October 15, 2003 @ 7:51 pm | Reply

  5. I mean “big hell of a deal” in a narcissistic-drama-queen sense. Of course I don’t really think it’s a big deal, but I like talking about it. I like seeing everyone else shit their pants after I have broken their deeply held views on archetypal sexualities. People are making a huge deal of this. They’re all “but Matt… how can you be bi? you’re a flamer!” I’m like “ummm no… if you think I’M a flamer, you don’t know many gay people. But WHATEVER.” Besides, when did I ever say I was bi? It’s crazy. I told Mallory, a girl down the hall, about my dream over AIM and actually heard her yell “OMG THAT’S SO CRAZY” from my room.

    Comment by ononehand — October 15, 2003 @ 10:32 pm | Reply

    • might be a good person… I am a good person… at least i’d like to think… as for the entire looking too deeply into things… meh, it’s my damn personality type, i can’t help it…

      “INFPs have a gift for interpreting symbols, as well as creating them,”

      anywho… sorry if i offended anyone…

      – me

      Comment by Anonymous — October 24, 2003 @ 9:04 pm | Reply

  6. Funny funny post. I was just floating around on livejournals, and I stumbled across yours. I’ll never cease to be amazed by how cool is it that they’re all connected haha.

    I’ve read some of your earlier posts, and you have a very kickass writing style. Makes me smile/laugh πŸ˜‰

    I’ve added you to my friends list, if you’d like to view my journal and add me back if you find me interesting haha. Off to bed for now, ttyl πŸ™‚

    Comment by minkus122 — October 16, 2003 @ 7:23 am | Reply

    • Sounds like a good deal to me. I’ll check your journal out sometime.

      Comment by ononehand — October 16, 2003 @ 4:03 pm | Reply

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