On One Hand

December 15, 2003

Cigarette High

Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 1:24 am

I think I’m getting addicted to cigarettes. I smoked two today and the second I was done with the second one, I wanted another. It sucks if I’m getting hooked because I love smoking so much – I would hate if I had to stop doing it because I’m getting addicted. I’d have to control it though, because I can’t let a substance control me. I’m not letting anything control me right now. I gave a friend, Denise, my pack, telling her to keep it from me until she goes home for winter break on Wednesday. That way I won’t be tempted to smoke for a few days and maybe I’ll stop the addiction in it’s tracks. I really want to have my cigarettes with me at the gay club on Thursday though, because I’ll need something to smoke while I’m there.

I’ve had a lot of drama lately, but I don’t want to get into it. It’s in the past, so I suppose that means I should forget about it. You know, it’s very easy to forget about things that happen and mistakes people make but it’s very hard to forget about the people. I’m going back to ground level, to where I’m checking out every cute guy I see and wondering if he’s gay. Maybe I’m not ready to like someone right now but it sure as hell would make me happy if it happened anyway.

It’s been my mom’s birthday since midnight.

I talked to my mom on the phone today. I told her for the first time about liking someone, because she needs to get over the fact that I’m gay and realize that me liking boys is a reality. She took it very well. She thinks the recent situation got bad because that was God’s way of telling me I need a girl instead of a guy, but she still accepts that whatever is meant to be is in God’s hands – she realizes that I may someday be with a guy after all. She’s getting better about things.

So it’s back to ground level, where I can write about positive things, make cool friends, and just be happy. I’m going to the club on Thursday. Maybe I’ll meet a guy. Maybe I’ll meet someone from Boulder soon who is attractive and witty and takes sex and relationships as seriously as I do. Maybe he’ll be sweet and stable and honest from the beginning. And if he’s not all those things, at least he will be friendly and respectful, and not a bitch, which is the most important of all. Here’s to hoping.


  1. eep. i don’t think david sedaris smokes. I vote for just one on Thursday (unlighted)

    Comment by churchguy — December 15, 2003 @ 1:32 pm | Reply

    • David Sedaris smokes a lot. Half of his memoirs involve smoking, and some include smoking as a primary topic. He says it was smoking that got him over his awkward twitches and obsessions when he was a kid. He talks about it all the time.

      Comment by ononehand — December 15, 2003 @ 7:39 pm | Reply

  2. I don’t really have anything against smokers or anything, but try as much as you can to lay off the cigs. You don’t seem to be a chronic smoker, but I’m sure people are worried about your health and I for once would hate to think that you could potentially have emphysema later on in life. Scary thought. Especially since you are talented and an overall good person.

    Comment by Anonymous — December 15, 2003 @ 6:05 pm | Reply

  3. I feel that the persuasive aspect of my first entry has been damaged by your unforseen response. I suppose you are sure that we talking about the same David Sedaris? Oh, well, I promise to read the rest of the book this week.

    Comment by churchguy — December 16, 2003 @ 1:11 am | Reply

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