On One Hand

December 24, 2003


Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 11:19 am

It was a perfect time to meditate, and I was excited because I hadn’t done it in such a long time. With a life torn between class and homework and parties and living in a college dorm with a roommate, it had been several months since I really got the chance. Now that I was back in my old familiar bedroom in my parents’ house while staying at home for the holiday, I had the perfect opportunity to do what I hadn’t done in so long. I grabbed the big white pillar candle I always use and lit it, watching the tiny blue flame enlarge, brighten, flicker and then become steady and precise, hoping my mind would follow suit. I lay back in bed and held the candle on my bare chest, gazing intensely at the tongue of fire, trying to lose myself in the consistency which is what would bring me into the meditative state. In a flicker, reality was gone, and I was in another place.

I was dreaming of pain. Acid dripping on bare skin, warm teardrops turning to a frothy rage at the instant they come in contact with the solid surface. Hot nails flung through the air, searing as they burrow themselves into human flesh. A million tiny pinpricks. A shadow, a flash, a burn. I felt the pain, and I felt it objectively. I experienced no discomfort, only the acceptance of a reality that I was feeling this, with an almost pleasant curiosity. I was watching the warm yellow glow of a giant mushroom clowd, far in the distance, rumble and churn as it stretched its lanky neck toward the sky, like a flickering candle flame, and then dissolve. Then I woke up.

I opened my eyes to find the candle tilted toward me at a forty-five degree angle. I was still holding the base, but the top hovered in front of me, dangerously near toppling over. Hot wax was pouring off of the candle, dripping on to my skin. My hands were covered in wax. My chest was coated by a hard, thin sheet of cooled wax. The wax had somehow managed to stay warm long enough to ooze across my chest and on to the bed on the right hand side of my body. The translucent white wax contrasted sharply with solid black cotton sheets, and resembled awfully closely a puddle of semen.

I blew out the flame and sat up to peel the wax off of me. Underneath my skin was scalded, but not burned. The wax crumbled off easily and I got up to set the candle aside and dump the white, brittle chips into the trash. I’ve heard of people dying of smoke inhalation from falling asleep while smoking in bed. Evidently, people don’t wake up when a cigarette sets the the bed they are lying in on fire. I believe it now, since I didn’t wake up either when hot wax was pouring on my chest. I suppose I am lucky I didn’t start a fire. I wonder what my nuclear bomb dream would have been like if I had burned to death in the middle of it.


  1. I’m happy that you had the chance to meditate. Using the candle was nice, dangerous, but nice. I think that I will find something similar to help me reach that state of meditation. It is something that I really need to do very soon.
    Hope your holidays are spent well and that the family doesn’t drain you.

    Comment by devnair1 — December 24, 2003 @ 6:46 pm | Reply

  2. Meditation, or not? That is the question.

    I do the whole meditation scenario without the candle.Instead I use simple melodic music to drift off in a world of perfection and beauty. It’s more of a spiritual uplifting of the imagination than meditation, though I guess you could consider it to be meditation as well. Your experience, as mentioned in the above post, is a bit on the dangerous side but erotically stimulating at the same time (to read that is). The only question remaining is was this an attempt to sexually excite yourself (masturbate), or were you really trying to meditate?

    Comment by Anonymous — December 24, 2003 @ 7:27 pm | Reply

    • Re: Meditation, or not? That is the question.

      I was NOT masturbating. I have no problem with talking about that; if I had been masturbating, I would say so. 1) how can someone masturbate with a lit candle, and 2) how could anyone fall asleep while doing something that takes so much physical activity?

      Comment by ononehand — December 25, 2003 @ 9:09 am | Reply

      • Re: Meditation, or not? That is the question.

        Anything is possible.

        Comment by Anonymous — December 26, 2003 @ 6:54 pm

      • Re: Meditation, or not? That is the question.

        What is that supposed to mean?

        Comment by ononehand — January 1, 2004 @ 12:29 am

  3. Candle in bed?

    Haha… you brought a candle with you onto bed? Well… usually meditation laying isn’t standard. You actually might just fall asleep rather than achieve a conscious trance. I meditate in the lotus position, cross legged position, and dragon position. When I use candles for meditation, I sit at a table with the candle in plain site. I then begin to relax my body. As my body relaxes I begin positioning my neck so it balances. With the relaxation I begin meditation in the chair…. Haha, you could have died, but then again… you can die any instant during every day.

    I love the whole experience, or rather how you wrote it… it’s wonderful. Hahaha, it’s hubris, the semen-looking wax stain. Wax is terrible to get out of cloth… Hope you have a nice Christmas.

    Comment by dewrust — December 25, 2003 @ 12:25 am | Reply

    • Re: Candle in bed?

      Well I don’t really get how my mentioning that the wax looked like semen is “hubris,” lol, but ok. Glad you like the entry.

      Comment by ononehand — December 25, 2003 @ 9:14 am | Reply

  4. HEy

    Hey, I saw you on the punk community, and stopped in to read your journal. I tried meditating once, but I fell asleep, maybe I just suck at it. Mind if I add you as a friend?

    Comment by kinkygiggles — December 26, 2003 @ 11:21 pm | Reply

    • Re: HEy

      Lol I fall asleep too… hence the dream. I thought this time would be different, but it wasn’t different. Anyway, yeah totally add me. I’m up for being added if that’s what you want to do.

      Comment by ononehand — December 28, 2003 @ 7:29 am | Reply

  5. Heh I like your journal I started to read it every now and then, you seem really thoughtful observant and intelligent, but whenever I attempted to talk to you online (okay maybe like 2x) you seemed like you wanted nothing to do with me, frustrating
    but ill still continue to read every now and then, its interesting

    Comment by Anonymous — December 28, 2003 @ 7:22 am | Reply

    • Well usually when I am talking to people online I am also writing, so I don’t have time to focus my full attention. I tend to like most people, but they tend to get the idea that I don’t like them, which I tend not to concern myself with because there is usually nothing I can do about it. You could try saying hello again sometime, if you’d like. I’m sorry you got that impression.

      Comment by ononehand — December 28, 2003 @ 7:25 am | Reply

  6. yeah, it’s all weirdass persumed mannerisms and online diction crap, but i over read into it all i guess since i cant help it. i tend to overthink things alot and thought maybe you did too. you seem pretty interesting moreso than most ive met (in the online sense of course…so that fascinates me) yet when i tried to talk to you i didnt know what to say and be interesting at the same time myself.

    Comment by Anonymous — December 28, 2003 @ 9:11 am | Reply

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