On One Hand

September 29, 2004

Five Greatest

Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 10:19 pm

Inspired by a suggestion from a friend, here they are, the five greatest feelings I can think of.

1. I don’t know what to call it except a soul orgasm. Sometimes when someone touches or addresses me in a kind (nonsexual) way, I get this relaxed, calm, content, drawn-out pulse of energy that starts in my stomach and rises through my chest, arms, and neck. It’s the best feeling in the world, and lasts as long as I hold the event that caused it in my mind. It’s a very strong feeling and not so subtle, but it is gentile. I don’t know if anyone else gets the feeling I do, I think most people don’t. I can get it from back rubs, handshakes, or just kind gestures, but it’s always in a non-sexual context and always involves me on the receptive role, and another person giving me something expecting nothing in return. When I was a kid a guy in church said he’d give me a quarter if I would smile (I was mad at my mom and pouting) and I got the feeling when he gave it to me. Today a strange guy randomly told me I have a nice aura and I got it. It can be brought on by a guy or a girl. I can sometimes bring the feeling back by calling to mind an event that made it happen. I dunno. It’s complicated.

2. Butterflies. I get them from kissing someone I really really like. It happens when I’m in a romantic context and my whole spine tingles. God I miss that feeling.

3. Sex. Heh, don’t need to go much into detail here. Basically take number one or number two and give it a sexual context. It’s not the orgasm per se that really makes the list, though that works as part of this category. I just like being turned on by someone.

4. Cuddling. Well, more accurately, the feeling I get from cuddling. Yeah, corny. Whatever. I like it. I KNOW it’s good for me; I’ll spend a night with a guy and even if I get only four hours of sleep, I feel completely refreshed and invigorated the next day. If I’m getting a cold, it goes away immediately. If only I could get a prescription.

5. Laughing. Perhaps this should go higher on the list. I’m always happiest when I’m laughing a lot with friends. I sometimes evaluate the worth of a day in retrospect by how often I laughed.

It’s always fun to mix and match – laughing during sex or getting a kiss during a backrub could only make the experience better I would think. (I can’t even think of a time sex came without cuddling.) But everything on my top five list involves other people. Even laughing doesn’t count nearly as much if I’m laughing alone. I guess I define my life through the connections I make. (I could have told you that before I made the list.)

Love

Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 11:46 am

God I am falling in love with everybody lately. I’m feeling utterly romantic all the time. I’ll see a guy I don’t even know and I’ll think I love him already long before there has been mutual eye contact. Perhaps all this emotion can become a source of creativity if I tap into it right. It’s a funny thing; usually I’m worried thinking how will I ever find someone to fall in love with and now I’m thinking what if I fall in love with more than one!? How will I choose!? There must be some good energy going on in my world right now. Whatever it is, I’ll try to enjoy it while it lasts. This month is bound to lead to further extreme sleep deprivation, pages and pages of crazy poems, marriage, sex, blood, divorce, or suicide. I’m excited.

I had to read two poems out loud in my creative writing class today. It was difficult – whenever I’m reading something out loud I feel like my two front teeth are getting bigger and bigger, weighing down my speech. I once had a small gap between them and got used to talking with it there. Now that the gap has been closed by braces (coming off on Tuesday), I sometimes feel like I’m lisping, although everyone else claims they can’t hear it. More likely I just sound tongue-tied. I massacred the first poem, but the second turned out alright.

Oh yeah, so my braces are coming off on Tuesday. I remember how much it sucked when I got them – imagine being a junior in high school, sixteen years old, finding out that you’re going to have chunks of shiny metal in your mouth through senior year, senior pictures, prom, graduation, three summer breaks, your first year of college, and your entire experience in the dorms. Those were all the times I’d hoped to hook up. The two years in your life when you can have a lot sex and come across as cute and experimental rather than slutty (age 16-18), you are socially burdened by a silver square on each tooth. When I was sixteen I was about ready to come out of the closet, excited to meet a guy finally which would make the torment of standing against the world worthwhile. When I got the braces, I was saying to myself, Now I’ll NEVER have a boyfriend. At age sixteen, three years is practically your whole life.

As it turned out the braces weren’t such a hindrance, and I eventually forgot that they were there. Everyone else remembered, but I forgot. The top brackets are clear, so don’t show up in some pictures, so when I would meet someone for the first time I would realize I forgot to tell them I had braces when they would say “Oh.” I’m getting my braces off, finally, in the middle of the most romantic period I’ve ever felt in my life. I wonder what is to come of this?

September 27, 2004

Wink and Smile

Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 5:12 pm

The chilly fall weather of a few days ago has lifted, and instead of the cold drizzle of fall, there is instead a healthy downpour going on as a thunderstorm moves through. As is typical of Colorado weather it came out of nowhere in a matter of minutes: when I lay down for a nap today it was sunny and hot out, and I woke to the sound of thunder.

A guy made a pretty obvious pass at me today in class. During a group discussion I was staring at one guy taking note of his likeness to George W. Bush, then glanced over at another guy in the group to see him expressing a less-than-subtle point with his facial expression. I only caught it out of the corner of my eye, but there was no room for false interpretation – his cocked eyebrows and quick facial movements made it clear he was trying to communicate something, and he was smiling and staring right at me. But I have no idea what to do when that happens to me. An understanding of situation didn’t click through my brain initially, so instead of responding with raised eyebrows or a smile, I silently mouthed WHAT?! with a dumbfounded look on my face. Nothing, he shook his head and waved his hand at me, looking embarrassed. I had been checking out this guy for a while, thinking he was cute, but then noticed that the way he relates to his guy friends who meet him after class was very masculine and I had pretty much switched my gaydar off at that point, assuming he was either closeted or straight.

Let me just express that I completely not used to communicating in language like that. What could this guy have been thinking? I’m sure he noticed the rainbow ribbon clipping safety-pinned to my backpack, and known that I don’t need secret passes. The whole point in coming out is that you don’t have to be secretive anymore; you can just overtly approach someone and say, “I think you’re cute.” I woudln’t have known how to respond to this guy’s gesture even if I wanted to take him up on whatever he had to offer, and it’s still beyond me whether he was looking to hook up right away or just initiate an intimate discussion after class. During the group discussion I made a point to smile back at his steady gaze from time to time to show that I still had some interest, but good God was was making me nervous staring at me like that. By the end of class my hands were cold, my palms were sweaty, and I was fidgeting all over the place unattractively.

I have class with this guy all semester, so I’d say it was pretty brave of him to make the move that he did. I’m not sure what he wants, so I’ll have to be careful, but this event will no doubt be lingering in the back of my mind for a while. He’s pretty cute.

September 24, 2004

Lies and Articles

Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 4:42 pm

I’m thinking about getting a paid account. God knows I spend enough time on livejournal that it would be worthwhile. But as is everything with me, the “thinking about it” process can take several months, so don’t expect me to get the paid account anytime soon.

I’ve picked out two articles I could use for my journalism school application: one entitled “House vote defies Bush on overtime” from the Rocky Mountian News, and another called “LeTorneau plans to marry student” from ABC News.com. My task is to describe in one page how the story represents good journalism. The first article I would praise for the fact that an article in the Business section actually applies to the working class. (It’s rare to find a Business Section article that anyone besides the .5% of the population that invests in stocks would care about.) The second I would praise for its objectivity (LeTorneau is the famous schoolteacher who had sex with her 13-year old student), because child rape is something that most people have established negative feelings toward, yet the article seems almost sympathetic to the forbidden love. I might bring up the fact that as a gay person I understand how important it is that the press remain objective and not conform to society’s perspective of what relationships should be considered peverse.

I don’t want to use a news article I got from online, but I don’t see myself writing a better or worse response no matter what the article is about or where it’s from. I don’t really have the ability to discriminate between articles, saying “this one would make a good application” and “this one wouldn’t.” I’m not really looking forward to working on this application whether it turns out good or not. It’s due October 5, and I want to have it done by the end of the weekend.

Lorelei is upset. She apologized about all the shit from the other day, and repeated that she was sorry for making me upset. Without being specific she made it clear what she was talking about, because she brought up that she read about it in my journal. She asked me if I could forgive her, I said “give me a while, don’t worry about it,” and then she started crying, which is what she is doing now in her bedroom. I feel bad, but it’s not like I can lie and tell her that I’m over it. That seems sick, telling a person who has confessed having suicidal thoughts that I’ll need “a while” to forgive her. I would normally be thinking, “I can’t lie to her because she would be able to somehow feel that I am still upset,” but apparently that’s not something I have to consider anymore. Instead, I’m not going to lie because I don’t know how to lie to someone who isn’t a stranger. It seems that all I would have to do is say the lie I want to say and be done with it, but I think it gets more complicated than that.

Oh well. We’ll get through this. I’ll try to go out tonight, have a good time, and forget about religion and politics and spirituality and all of the things that have been stressing me out. Being at home is not good because it leaves my brain free to ponder existentialism, determinism, cosmology, and all the like. I’ll go out tonight, work all weekend, try to catch up on my reading homework for classes in which I’ve fallen SO far behind, and maybe by monday I will have forgotten all this.

September 23, 2004

Protected: Ups and Downs

Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 9:47 pm

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September 22, 2004

Libra

Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 4:15 pm

The sun goes into Libra at 4:25 Mountian time. I’m excited. More on this later.

September 21, 2004

Online Arguments

Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 11:38 pm

It’s interesting how your brain absorbs information so differently when you hear it spoken orally than you do when you read it off a page. I would like to begin this discussion with some fine British Oral Literature in the form of a sound file. Headphones are suggested.

I am not completely familiar with the Cato Institute, but I found myself caught up in an online audio debate about same-sex marriage between three of its members when I stumbled across the audio file while looking for porn. Though my feelings toward the Cato Institute go up and down, I wouldn’t trust the group on public policy for a second. They seem very concerned with the “effects” of this and that and don’t seem concerned at all with things like “rights,” human “dignity,” and the reality of “discrimination.” It’s all about how same-sex marriage effects straight people and not about how same-sex marriage effects GLBT people themselves, and they don’t seem as favorable to it as I would expect from such a group that is supposedly all about “freedom.” I think it’s a reoccurring theme in this kind of political thought to focus on how any treatment of a minority group affects the majority rather than giving attention to the interests of the minority group itself, unless of course that minority consists of very rich people, in which case they “deserve tax cuts,” at all costs, even when it’s detrimental to society as a whole, “because they pay more taxes than anyone else” or whatever other reason. Two Cato Institute panelists, one in favor of and the other ambivalent to same-sex marriage, want to leave marriage “up to the states” with no regards to the reality that DISCRIMINATION IS IMMORAL, though one more liberal member seemed to be leaning in a pro-equal-rights direction. All three speakers think alternative family structures are wrong – the only difference between the same-sex-marriage-friendly panelist and the others was that the pro-equality panelist widened his definition of “normal” to include same-sex partnerships that closely mirror heterosexual partnerships. Another member seems to be resigned to same-sex marriage but opposes the possibility that it may be “imposed” on states that don’t want it. The third member worked for the Family Research Institute (Colorado’s very own hate group!) and was vehemently opposed under the context of saving children or whatever bullshit you always hear from those people.

I did listen to the whole conversation, which is over an hour, and I would like to add that speaker one and speaker two seem more favorable to same-sex marriage and respecting GLBT people during the Q&A section than they do during their initial arguments. Speaker two also uses some references to sociology, which I am always glad to hear. Speaker three seems much more opposed to GLBT people during the Q&A section and uses some very obvious logical fallacies. In any case, I still don’t trust any of these people on other issues. Speaker two’s reference to sociology was ironic because it is my observation that people under this line of political thought typically abandon sociology in favor of economics when forming opinions and making arguments, and show very little understanding of sociology as a concept and a drive of human behavior.

Dreams and Rain

Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 12:24 pm
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Another funny dream I had: I’m talking to some friend online from a laptop in the middle of a mowed field. I’m surrounded by a suburban neighborhood identical to the one I grew up in. The guy I am talking to tells me to call him on the phone. As I speak to him from my cell, I see him come out of his house across the field on a cordless, and walk over to say hi. I get in contact with a second friend from online and we all decide to hang out. One of them has a car, and we start driving, to pick up other people, friends of my new friends, as we go somewhere. I think I kissed one of them in the car.

Five minutes into the car ride, two guys and a girl in the back seat pull out spoons and a plastic bag, then begin snorting cocaine. One of them complains of having a dry mouth but nobody has any water. Then I woke up.

The night before last I had another dream involving the dog: my grandpa wanted to cut the dog’s tail off. “Oh, it always gets caught on things” he’s telling me, and I’m trying to convince him not to do it. He takes the dog into the bathroom anyway and slices her tail off with a knife, and she doesn’t flinch. She just goes on her happy way with half a bloody tail, the severed piece flipping and twitching like a lizard’s cut-off tail in the bathtub.

Today is cold. Yesterday was warm and sunny, to the point that long pants and a t-shirt would have felt extremely uncomfortably hot and stuffy. Today it’s rainy, damp, and chilly. There is a saying in Colorado, “if you don’t like the weather here, wait five minutes.” That’s a slight exaggeration, but there is some truth at the heart of the expression. The air dropped at least thirty degrees overnight. Fall here is extremely short, with a summer that blends directly into winter. The first hard frost knocks off most of the leaves on the trees while they’re still green, to be followed by a few more weeks of hot summer again. Or different trees will turn at different times, and sometimes different parts of a single tree will turn at different times, as one branch will be naked while the other fully green, giving a sense of discombobulation to the world. I had actually been looking forward to the first damp cold front of Autumn, because it kicks off the trees turning yellow and I get to wear my fall clothes instead of the same five pairs of shorts again and again. But as I look out the window at the chilly gray rain I already miss warmer weather. I love long summer days and big thunderheads with rolling thunder, heavy torrents of fresh, clean rain and deep, clear nights of millions of shining stars, where you can lay on the ground with the heat of the summer’s day now rising out of the Earth to to be returned to the sky and providing just the right amount of warmth for you to forget the air gently stirring around you. Now we’re in for eights months to come without a truly hot day. Mid-spring will bring cheerful sunny mornings, flowers and pale green new growth, crocuses peeping up early through black soil and white snow, but the air will still be chilly until May. I sometimes find the cool, crisp Autumn days to be inspiring, standing under the layered honeylocust treetops of Colorado’s distorted fall: green-leaved branches on the bottom, with yellow and green mottled together next, and on the top the twigs have already gone bare and the few remaining leaves have turned brown, where they will bravely stick it out (no pun intended) all winter. For me there is a strong connection between weather and memory, and such stimulation makes me think of all the Autumn days I have been through in years past. It helps me write, and for that I can enjoy it. My only qualm with colder weather is that it lasts so damn long.

September 20, 2004

Hurricanes

Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 12:00 pm

All these hurricanes! One forms after another, and now there are three major storms in the North Atlantic at once. I read an article on Netscape about some very creative ways to stop hurricanes, brainstormed by various science fiction enthusiasts while taking breaks from their Star Wars fan-fic pages. (The goddamn hurricanes keep knocking the server’s power out – there must be an imbalance in the Force!) Ideas included bombing hurricanes with nuclear weapons, covering the ocean with a slick of olive oil to keep water from evaporating to fuel the storm, and dumping tons and tons of water-absorbent powder (commonly used in diapers) into the churning clouds. The product of all this is to make radioactive, leak-protection absorbent hurricanes that you can make pesto out of. Personally, I think the Fab Five should be hired to dispel all cyclonic events. We can call it Queer Eye of the Hurricane and the roaring winds can be sedated with fabulousness. Instead of dumping a foot of water, hail and lightning onto terrified populations, the queer-eyed storm will rain naked men and mini cocktail umbrellas. (Yeah yeah, anyone could have seen that line coming. I know.) Instead of eight to fifteen extra feet of ocean water, the storm surge will be made of… um… never mind. There’s no storm surge.

I am officially behind in my reading homework. I am also behind in a group project that we are meeting to discuss in class tomorrow, and since I am responsible for more than just myself here, I really need to get cracking on that. Argh. And now that I’ve picked up the journalism school application, please all remind me to fill it out and turn it in. I need to pick an article and explain how it reflects good journalism, so I’m kind of skimming whatever to find a good article. The journalism school is expected to accept about one quarter of applicants this term. The application is due October 5th, the same day I get my braces off (finally) after three years with them on. (You can’t tell I have braces in my usericon but they’re there.)

September 19, 2004

Crying Dreams

Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 2:00 am
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When I woke up today, my left eye was dry and bloodshot. Thinking I may be sleep deprived, I tried to take a nap later, but I wasn’t tired enough to sleep more than fifteen minutes. After finding faint trails of dried tears on my face the last few mornings, I thought I might be crying in my sleep. But now I guess my eyes are just irritated, perhaps by staring at a computer screen for so many hours a day.

I’ve been dreaming about crying. Last was a dream about my dad killing the dog, though I don’t live at home with my dad or the dog anymore. My father and I, surrounded by a few nonspecific other men, were standing by the gate between the front yard and the back yard, and the dog came in joyfully from the back, jumping, howling and wagging her tail like she always does when someone comes home. Dad said “this will only take a few seconds” and fed her a small black pill, which she eagerly ate. Within five seconds she was stiff in the grass. I started crying immediately, telling my dad “I hate you, I hate you, why did you have to do that?” My father had a hard time responding but seemed to suggest he had been offered no other choice. I just wanted the dog back, and couldn’t believe that my father would do such a thing.

Before that dream, I had a dream about watching a young girl I didn’t know die, and before that was a dream about a death in the family, though I’ve forgotten who died. I often cry in dreams, and in each one I say to myself, “I haven’t cried in years but now I’m breaking the streak.” It’s true; I haven’t shed real tears since I was in seventh grade, which was about seven years ago. When I was young, I cried so readily, almost every day. I would rarely cry out of physical pain (when I broke my wrist in kindergarten my lack of tears made the teacher doubt that I was really hurt) but emotions made the tears flow. But I could always cry alone out of emotion, and if I really needed to cry on my mom’s shoulder I would pretend that I hurt myself because that’s why the other kids cried. Little boys don’t cry when they’re sad – little boys cry when they sprain their wrists playing sports.

But then my life changed. So many things were happening to me at once during the year my uncle died, I can say I really lost my innocence and stepped out of childhood then. It was the year that I realized that I was gay, the year Matthew Shepard died on a highway that I had been on before and the guys at school were laughing at the fact that he died. My uncle died of an HIV related infection, and when I watched my dad break down at the death of his brother I felt like I had to be the strong one in the family. I failed to fight back a few tears at David’s funeral, but by the time my cousin died in a car accident less than a year later, I no longer had to choke on tears – they didn’t come. It was between seventh and eighth grade that I started lying to my mom about getting beat on in school, because I realized that telling her what was wrong only made my own pain become hers too and didn’t make things any better for me. My parents calling school administrators to get them to intervene only made the kids hate me more. I basically realized, in many ways, that I would have to face most of my life’s problems alone and there was no use in sharing them with anyone else, and no use in crying.

I have long felt that my first good romance will help me finally break down and cry. I’ll do it on his loving shoulder, and the moment will be mutually cathartic. So far, I’ve never had affection that was truly mutual. In my fantasies, I break down during the night we first admit to each other that we’ve fallen in love, in an extraordinarily beautiful experience for both of us. But now that I’ve started crying in dreams I don’t know what to think of that old daydream. Could I be finally getting back in touch with myself, who I was divorced from in all the tumult of age thirteen? I really don’t know the meaning of dreams so I can’t answer that question. If they’re a transcending spiritual message from God, our subconscious minds trying to tell us something, or just a random rambling of thoughts and experiences as our brain sorts the day’s short-term memories into long term, the meanings of the drams are equally open-ended.

Everyone says it’s only when you’re truly happy being alone that you meet someone wonderful and fall in love. For the most part I agree, but sometimes I still get lonely. When the sense of isolation speaks louder than reason I really have to struggle to keep myself out of a relationship that would be bad for both of us. My biggest fear is that I’ll die without finding true love, either living life in solitude or silently despairing in one unfruitful relationship after another. I know I haven’t reached my peak; I’m becoming more physically attractive as I mature and I’m becoming more socially and emotionally desirable as I work on all the quirks I’ve carried from my youth. I’m getting my braces off soon. I’d like to say I’m approaching a transition. Whatever is to come, I hope it comes quickly. If I learn to cry again or if I don’t, if I find a soul mate or have to wait another nineteen years, or if something completely altogether unexpected comes my way, I’m looking for it, because what I really want and need right now is change.

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