On One Hand

October 3, 2004

Part II

Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 3:25 am

The night plugs on, the minutes tick by and you are left bored and wanting of something to do. But friends are going to bed and screen names are closing out of the buddy list, with a long series of “be right back”s left unfulfilled as one after another broken promise. Assholes. Suddenly your boredom turns to rage as you realize that the whole reason you didn’t go out with Laura is that you thought one of these fucks might want to do something. You could have had fun, but missed the chance. An entire night is wasted, your brain desperately fumbling through itself to come up with a way to salvage the evening at 3:00AM. Masculine ingenuity won’t help you here; it only leads to aching fists and broken guitar strings from when you strummed too hard, and you know better. Cigarettes only break when you flick them like that and you can’t make your friends answer their cell phones no matter how hard you thump the dialer. It’s time for masculine ingenuity to bow to introverted resignation.

JEZUS FUCK! you say to yourself as you put away the shirt that you laid out in vain this morning; you never put a damn shirt on all day because you never once went outside. Close the book you’ve been reading on and off: you could have finished had you read more closely, but you had to keep an eye on the cell phone, waiting for a friend to call, and the prick never did. Scorning the lamentable self-pity that is your life tonight, you flip off the lightswitch, climb on the futon without unfolding it and tug your bedsheets up around you. Trying to shed the bitter animosity for the world that you always feel when in isolation, you hug your pillow, sigh, lay it out as if it’s asleep beside you, and pretend it’s someone you know. Just close your eyes, take a breath, and lay your head on his bare, warm chest. Feel the steady rhythm of his breath, hear his beating heart sound softly like a murmur from a peaceful dream. “Don’t be upset,” he lovingly tells you as he wakes for a moment and stirs, “we’ll do something tomorrow, I promise.” And finally you forget your discontent. You’ve lost it in his warm, sweet body in your arms, in his sleepy smile, in his sensitive kiss, in the tender running of his fingers through your messy hair as you drift, at last, to sleep.



  1. “jezus fuck”
    well you should have moved the oven. its only one night. the coolest people dont care if they’ve got nothing to do. pillow lover, sweet coping mechanism. soon its morning and the past night seems like another dimension. may god speed be with you.

    Comment by Anonymous — October 3, 2004 @ 2:49 am | Reply

  2. That’s a pretty good description of my last two years, if you forget about the other people.

    Comment by calevert — October 3, 2004 @ 3:20 am | Reply

  3. Your posts are incredible. That last paragraph is ditto for me, but I could never express it so well.

    Comment by jdhenchman — October 3, 2004 @ 4:28 am | Reply

  4. *sigh* Right on, as usual.

    Comment by emeraldimp — October 3, 2004 @ 12:31 pm | Reply

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