On One Hand

October 19, 2004


Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 2:43 am
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I was once watching a porn clip when the thought struck me how short guys’ orgasms really are. I’d been aware of that fact since I first understood what it meant to have an orgasm, but somehow the thought morphed into an utterly new revelation as I watched the video, the body heaving on the pixilated screen, tanned muscles flexing and face contorting in that fleeting moment of ecstasy.

Consider this, what I acknowledge is an exaggeration but is as close to truth as an exaggeration ever was: guys spend pretty much their whole lives thinking about sex. Being a guy, I know it all to well: we think about who we want it with, where we would find it, how we could get it to happen, and under what circumstances we would like it best. We think about how we can find the person who best satisfies our sexual needs. We think about whether we’re getting enough of or how awesome it would be to get more than enough. We make life choices like where we’re going to live and what career we’re going to follow based on what offers satisfactory sexual opportunity. If we worry about getting HIV or some other STD, it’s not because it might kill us, but because it inhibits us from having sex in good conscience for the rest of our lives or as long as we have the infection. If we’re pro-relationship, we think about getting into a relationship because it’s when we’re in love with someone that sex is really, really good.

And what is sex? Is it foreplay? Kissing? Hell no! To a guy, sex all comes down to one thing: an orgasm. We might love cuddling, we might love foreplay, we might love kissing, we might love a whole spectrum of pre-coitus sexual activity, but all attention is really focused on the buildup to that one, glorious moment. It’s not like any of us would ever stop before we get there! It’s about the build and build and build, and then you’re there.

So I was watching the porn clip, which I used to think was absolutely fantastic. It’s a guy jerking off solo on a bed, which seems a little boring, almost softcore, but there are good reasons this kind of video is interesting to me. I like short clips with good cumshots because you can click back and forth to watch the guy get off over and over again, and you can see the actor’s stomach tense up when it all shoots out.

This particular clip was especially exciting because the subject of the video made a lot of noise, writhed around on his back, and seemed like he was really having a good time. “I’m gonna cum,” he said in a low, breathy voice, that obligatory line that enhances any experience, and then he did just that, he came, all over himself. First his head thrust back, then his torso tensed up so his abs and chest muscles were sharply defined, then he moaned like the sky was falling. Finally a few beautiful spurts of pearly jizz leapt out of his penis like doves, and landed, graceful as feathers, on his chest. (Then he licked his hand, not so much my thing but nice for those who would enjoy that.) The moment, and I say “moment” because that’s as long as it lasted, was about six seconds. And it was exhilarating.

It was the moment after that moment that brought my world of coitus crashing down. Our subject did some forced post-cum moaning to offer the audience some extra pleasure, and lay back and smiled, peering up at the camera out of the corner of his eye to make sure it was still on. He breathed, deeply and enthusiastically: “God, that was GREAT. God, that felt SOOOOO good. God.” as if he was praying, as if he was calling to his cruel captors for mercy, as if now his purpose in life was fulfilled. And as far as I am concerned, it was.

And that was it. It actually wasn’t until about the sixty-fifth time watching that moment that it hit me – the way this guy hyperbolized the sensation of an orgasm – it’s what made me realize how ridiculous the whole sexual experience really is for men. In truth it’s always a disappointment. Guys spend so much time anticipating a feeling that is over in a blink of an eye, then lay back and pretend that they’re fulfilled by it. But guys, admit it, we’re always a little bit disappointed after we cum.

Why? I guess because of the plain fact that we’re still alive. Something carrying so much lifelong hope and anticipation, now past fruition, simply should have been so good it killed us. Or at the very least, it should magically last weeks on end. I mean, come on, we spend our lives dreaming about this.

Once I was walking home from class and passed an apartment near mine in which a couple (at least I assume it was a couple) was having sex. I couldn’t see anything, but man, could I hear it. The tenants had left the window open and had perhaps forgotten that other people actually live in that city; all I could hear was a young girl’s voice, moaning loudly, dramatic and skillful enough to be in an Herbal Essences commercial.

“YES!” she shouted. “Uuuh, yes, oh oh OHHHHH…” she went on longer, vocalizing her purported ecstasy for a good thirty seconds, which ended not because she settled down or caught her breath but because I eventually passed beyond of hearing range. Whether or not that was a real orgasm I will never know, but what I do know was that it was LONG.

And it seemed perfectly natural to me that it would last that long. Why shouldn’t orgasms be afternoon experiences for women? That’s how it works in the MOVIES, which are picture-perfect represations of hard reality. Girls can do it any number of times in a row, so many different ways, and for ridiculous lengths of time – guys get a lousy six seconds and a tablespoon-blob of goo no matter what the circumstances.

The Tao of Pooh has taught me a principle in Taoism explaining that anticipation is more rewarding than gratification. It is the moment just before the moment of reward that is most enjoyable. Applying that to sex, I have to believe that Pooh is really on to something. When buildup and aftermath are so close together that they practically meet, it must be for something other than climax that we’re in the game.

Six seconds a day, once a day, and even fewer times for most men, adds up to no more than a few hours of orgasm at most over the span of our lives. The way we anticipate cumming is like spending every waking moment of every day from August to June thinking about the fireworks display on the Fourth of July. We’d all have better lives if we spent that much time fantasizing about something that happens more often or lasts a longer amount of time than a blink: say, what we’re going to eat for dinner, who we’re going to get drunk with tonight, or what we’re going to laugh about when we watch a fantasticly poignant sitcom about sex on TV.

Anyway, that’s just a thought on my part, it’s not like the world for me is going to change. If you’ll excuse me I have a video clip to get back to.



  1. I used to live in an apartment where my bedroom was right next to the bedroom of my neighbor. As it turns out our beds were against the same wall. They were a married couple. She was a screamer. She would make the loudest noises. I finally got fed up and rapped my fist on the wall once or twice. The noises stopped. I think I embarrassed them.

    Comment by tempur_tempur — October 19, 2004 @ 5:16 pm | Reply

  2. Actually, I have heard that there are ways to lengthen your orgasm (and, yes, at least some of them work ^_^), one of them being meditation. To closer to 30 seconds, yes (still not as long or with the possibility of multiples like women, but still).

    I will report my success/failure.

    Comment by emeraldimp — October 19, 2004 @ 5:28 pm | Reply

  3. Ya might want to read Freud’s Civilization and Its Discontents…happiness as build up and release…just a suggestion.

    Comment by iscatterheart — October 19, 2004 @ 11:58 pm | Reply

  4. do you have the wed site

    i would like to see that clip

    Comment by razorblade101 — October 20, 2004 @ 3:46 am | Reply

    • Re: do you have the wed site

      Well, it’s a big file and I got it off a filesharing program. The title was something like “loud muscled guy jacks off for the camera,” key word being “loud” since few videos are named that. Maybe I’ll post a screen shot.

      Comment by ononehand — October 20, 2004 @ 3:58 am | Reply

      • Re: do you have the wed site

        thanks but do you no the link of the filesharing program link??

        Comment by razorblade101 — October 20, 2004 @ 4:25 am

      • Re: do you have the wed site

        There is no link, it’s not at a website. You have to get on Kazaa or WinMX and find it.

        Comment by ononehand — October 20, 2004 @ 5:04 am

  5. Well, I was mostly just trying to make a joke, pointing out an absurdity from an intellectual perspective. But everyone took me seriously. Which is OK. There are worse things to complain about than being taken seriously.

    I agree with you about the difference between sex and masturbation, but for me hookups are few and far between. Relationships are even harder. I’m usually not attracted to the people available, and for a lot of complicated reasons it just doesn’t usually work out. What I know about sex I know from fantasy, and though what you say is true for me when I’m hooking up, I rarely hook up. And when I think about sex it really is all about the orgasm.

    Comment by ononehand — October 20, 2004 @ 3:57 am | Reply

  6. I agree that sex is not about the orgasm, though I would likely attribute the woman’s lack of orgasm to the speed in which (most) men come to orgasm. Not being a woman, however, I could be wrong.

    And I will give you $20 if you can make me cum at all, much less in 30 seconds.

    Comment by emeraldimp — October 20, 2004 @ 4:35 am | Reply

  7. If I remember, I shall. And, it freaked me out, too, the first time I saw it…

    Comment by emeraldimp — October 20, 2004 @ 5:51 am | Reply

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