On One Hand

November 22, 2004


Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 5:21 pm

Sagittarius came in today, moving in as Scorpio moved out, and I hardly felt it. Scorpio can be a hard season. It’s the season of disillusionment, the revelation of deeper truths to shatter what you believed in before. It comes to detriment of image, of ego, of whimsical optimism, of pride, materialism, and a false sense of freedom.

I saw myself on a video camera the other day, which is usually humbling. You see yourself in a video, you think, my nose looks like THAT?! and my voice sounds like THAT?! and my clothes fit like THAT?! and THAT’s how I walk?! You realize all the things you can’t see through your own eyes. Worst of all is how your face looks from the side. I only see myself head-on in the mirror, with the yellow tinted lights shining down flatteringly from overhead. From that limited perspective I look pretty good. But of course that’s not how most people see me. Not that I care.

Scorpio’s revelations can be good or bad, but since the ego tends to elevate the self rather than depress it, Scorpio leads to insecurity and disappointment when you haven’t had time to accept what you just found to be true. Oh fuck, do I have to lower my standards?! you wonder, unhappy with the likelihood that this is true. My writing took a hit from Scorpio, as did my sense of style.

So what does Sagittarius bring? Like I said, today I hardly felt a change. After I looked at my phone and realized the date I thought I might have felt different, but one can suggest oneself into any illusion, especially when the disillusioning season of Scorpio is over.

Sagittarius is supposedly an adventurous sign (I hope so – I’ve been so bored) and compatible with my own energy. It’s creative and forward, strong, idealistic but not ideological, and philosophical. I’m looking forward to it.

To change the subject, my dad asked me to review his cover letter for a job application yesterday. He’s dissatisfied with his current job working in the environmental department of a utility company. As the environmental auditor, his job is to monitor the compliance of all the plants and buildings that the company owns, ensuring that they fulfill environmental standards set by the government. His position exist in hopes that the company won’t be fined for breaking the rules. My dad catches problems before the government can: his position exists based on government-driven economic incentive. But as the only one in his office that actually understands why environmental regulations are in place (the average economics major knows approximately SHIT about environmental science) he catches a lot of flak for telling people to do their jobs the right way. The formerly Colorado-owned utility company merged with a Texan company and then a Minnesotan company, laying off employees and cutting benefits each time. His department was flooded with conservatives in the last merger and my dad talks about being the only Democrat there (I’m not completely certain but I gather that there are about forty people working in his office). His co-workers call him a hippy, which I think is absurd, because c’mon now, this is my DAD. He is NOT a hippy. He’s hardly left of moderate. He’s much more conservative than I am, and I’m not even that liberal.

Since the utility company’s retirement prospects are retreating faster than my dad is aging to catch up to them (when he got hired over twenty years ago the company was considered one of the best in the state for retirement and benefits, and he would have been able to retire by now if it weren’t for the perpetually retreating retirement requirements. I consider that sort of a breach of contract in a way, but it’s all legal), my father decided he’d rather work for the public instead, and is applying to be environmental auditor for the Jefferson County Public Schools. That’s where I come in. My dad asked me to look over his application for him. I thought it was odd and cute that he would ask me. Three years ago he was helping me edit my stuff for school assignments, now it’s the other way around. “Wave your magic wand,” my dad told me; an endearing comment he’s uses whenever he has me edit something and is always surprised when I have a page completely rewritten in ten minutes. “Wave your magic wand,” heh: I want to ask if he’s trying to call me a fairy, but I won’t. It would be a cute joke but it would make him uncomfortable.



  1. Haha that really would be a cute joke. Made me laugh anyway. =)

    I always hate hearing my voice on an answering machine or seeing pictures of myself. It’s been awhile since I’ve seen video of myself but that sucks too. I wish I were in real life the way I am in my head.

    Comment by empressme — November 23, 2004 @ 2:41 am | Reply

  2. “Worst of all is how your face looks from the side. I only see myself head-on in the mirror, with the yellow tinted lights shining down flatteringly from overhead.”

    I have two mirrors in my bathroom that allow me to see a side profile for that daily dose of depression. Although it’s nice to read all of that and know i’m not the only one self conscious about how I walk, facial expressions I make, etc. When I walk through a department store I always make it a point to stroll through the mirror isle. Even though i’m aware of it, I guess I need reassurance that I look like shit under fluorescent lighting. When I was younger I used to daydream of finding a magic lamp and wondering what my three wishes would be. One was always to be able to step aside and see myself as everyone else sees me. I still long for that… because without seeing me with my own eyes I seem to have convinced myself I look like the hunchback of notre dame to the rest of the world.

    Comment by johnnya — November 23, 2004 @ 4:39 am | Reply

  3. Your Dad’s situation is unfortunate, but its always easier to find a job when you have one already. Its really sad that people who work their whole lives with the expectation that it’ll mean something when they get older, find out sometimes too late that it doesn’t and can’t do anything about it. I’ve seen it in my lifetime on many occassions and it made me realize that I have to start saving early in life, and sacrifice pleasures in the short term in order to ensure long term security.

    Comment by tempur_tempur — November 23, 2004 @ 6:28 pm | Reply

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