On One Hand

November 26, 2004

Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 4:20 pm

I don’t know why I take it so personally when I see one person do or say something mean to another, considering that I’m not involved in the situation and don’t need to be butting in. But no matter what I do or say about what I see, I still feel as if I’m the one who just got dissed. Consider anything from the bad singers being ridiculed on American Idol to a gorgeous guy turning down a geeky girl in a cruel way on the street – when I see it I pause for a moment, nose slightly wrinkled, jaw slightly agape in an apprehensive hurt and disgust, then walk away as if having recieved a crushing blow to my ego. I always long to be in the place of the asshole, saying to myself if everyone loved me that way I would be so much nicer, and I always identify with the one who was turned away.

Maybe my problem is that for far too many years of my life I was the kid who always got picked last for the soccer team, and who, even if picked, got thrown off the team when a more popular person came out to recess because there were only so many slots. I never got to sit in the back of the bus with the cool kids, and never tried, and guys would tease girls by saying that I, the skinny girly guy, had a crush on them. I accepted the way things were and didn’t expect them ever to change. My social position was just another fact of life, like rainy springs or the flu – not anybody’s fault and probably never going to be any different. I eventually stopped hanging my head when I got spat on because I figured that’s just the way it is for the gay kid. I rarely got angry about it. It wasn’t humiliating to be low down if you accepted your place and stood in it. It was humiliating only if you thought you were worth something better, by running for student council or asking some attractive person for a date, putting the rest of the world in a position to tell you no.

All these years I assumed nothing would ever change. When things eventually did change, it was nice, but it never erased the pain completely. There’s still a part of me that flinches whenever I think of playing soccer.

I hate those communities on livejournal like “nonuglygayboys” or “toptenonlivejournal”. Even if I could get in there (and I honestly don’t know if I could or not; I know I’m much more attractive than I was in middle school but I surround myself with nice people in pereson who woudln’t tell me if I was ever shooting too high. I never get honest criticism, and offering myself up for cruel rejection is not a way to get that criticism) I don’t want to try. I just look at the fact that such a group exists and automatically feel rejected by it. I spend a lot of time in life trying to climb to the top of the social ladder so I can right things, assuming that it’s much easier to fix it from the top. But trying to climb also puts me in positions I don’t want to be in, so I shy away from all that. Ah, the connundrum of life. Maybe next time will be better.



  1. I don’t know why I take it so personally when I see one person do or say something mean to another,

    I’m the exact same way. I had the exact same childhood experiences, and to this day I can’t see people getting made fun of or anything of the sort. It personally affects me, sometimes to the point of tears.

    It’s nice to know I’m not the only one.

    Comment by lancerboi — November 26, 2004 @ 11:45 pm | Reply

  2. I was Captain of my HS Varsity Soccer Team and I would’ve picked you anyday. But I would’ve had alterior motives. I experienced something similar when I was younger, being viewed as the artistic red-head I endured a great deal of teasing, and if it were not for my success in sports I would have never been able to gain any confidence in myself. I admire that you were able to accept where you stood; I took the easier route and denied and hid from the place I really was.

    Comment by quidestveritas — November 27, 2004 @ 6:32 am | Reply

    • (new to this place, hope I am doing this right)
      I also hate to see people do mean things to another. I often get called names, but I am used to it; I still hate to see others get called names.

      Comment by toxicwire — November 27, 2004 @ 7:26 am | Reply

      • Re: …

        (Yeah you’re good.)

        Comment by ononehand — November 29, 2004 @ 7:40 pm

  3. Your words here sort of remind me of what my boyfriend is like. If there is one thing I wish I could give someone it would be self-confidence/esteem. Its so hard to overcome the scars of ones youth.

    Comment by tempur_tempur — November 29, 2004 @ 6:27 pm | Reply

    • Evidently I remind you of him a lot. You said I’m on par with him over the whole Catholic Guilt thing. (That was you… right?) Jesuz if I’m ever walking down the street and see myself, I’ll tell him I know who he’s dating.

      Comment by ononehand — November 29, 2004 @ 7:39 pm | Reply

      • Yes that was me. But I’ll bet there is a high probability of me recognizing his qualities in a lot different people. Especially in the gay community where there tends to be a lot of issues relating to childhood trauma’s. The fact that you’re both of catholic culture has a lot to do with it as well. If you see yourself walking down the street, tell him to stay away from the a geeky accountant.

        Comment by tempur_tempur — November 29, 2004 @ 9:04 pm

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