On One Hand

December 5, 2004

Last Night I Thought of You

Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 2:57 pm

How many people have I rejected? How many people have I so cruelly allowed to waste their time pursuing me, while I say “oh you’re cool,” “oh sure I like you,” when there is really no chance of us even hanging out. Is there some sort of Karma thing, a logical connection there, between me rejecting and how many people reject me? I’m not talking about relationships, mind you, all I want are friends, and time after another I find some way to fuck it up with guys, which is why all my friends here are lesbians. I always get perturbed at the person who decided not to say anything, who just never called back and avoided me thereafter without an explanation, but really, if this happens so often, the one to look to for fault is me.

I was walking home from a bitter walk, the kind I take to forget the shit in my life and instead walking only makes me think of it more. I like the cold, it makes me feel numb and my eyes water almost as if I were crying (I lost my ability to cry and I want it back) and I like the way the trees look, different each time, now naked and ringed with snow. So I went for a walk and thought of all the things that made me sad, my financial problems, the guys who never called back, the things I can’t have, I reached the library, and I turned around and came home, unhappy.

When I get upset, it goes straight to my back. A pain shoots right to the center, right where someone would put a knife if they were going for my heart. It arcs beneath each shoulder, settling in the muscles over the shoulder blade, and complains loudly whenever I move my arms the wrong way. The tension digs deep into my chest and aches in my stomach where fried food makes me ache, stretching pain all the way up into my throat, into my forehead, and all the way down to the place in my torso where lust comes from. In my forehead it’s a stress headache, a powerful conscious need to tense my eyebrows or wrinkle my nose, in my neck it’s a pill stuck in my throat, a pressure on my Adam’s apple, in my chest it’s an ache, in my stomach it’s a pang, in my back it’s the heavy knot between my shoulder blades.

So I was walking home, thinking about my life, about disappointment and rejection, and about how the only thing that keeps me going is hope in the future because what I have right now is not nearly enough to sustain me. I was thinking about sadness and about God. I got to the alley I take to get to my apartment, where the ice is ridiculously slippery for about 100 feet down a hill, and inched my way slowly over it. I secretly hoped I’d fall and bruise or cut myself, since I’ve found that injuries and endorphins almost always numb emotional pain and physical pain is much easier to cope with.

A car pulled around the corner, driving slowly so as to not hit me since the ice was slippery enough to warrant the extra caution. I wobbled and nearly fell as I took a step forward, catching my balance and then sliding my feet, awkwardly, over an exceptionally slippery patch. Then I looked up and saw the driver of the car, a thin, cute girl in a knitted cap and sweater, grinning broadly, laughing, at me. I grinned back and she drove away, and then suddenly I desperately wanted to cry. It wasn’t that I was self-conscious, angry, or embarrased about the girl, but instead that I made somebody laugh and that’s what I love doing more than anything in the world. I like making people laugh, not in a I’m-so-cool-and-funny way but in a I’m human, you’re human way that is so much more meaningful to me. She was gone as quickly as she came, and I knew I couldn’t go after her, though I wanted to, and I was still there, wobbly, looking up at the midnight sky. A soft, hazy cloud covered everything, the stars invisible behind a cotton blanket, and it made me sleepy. So I went home.

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3 Comments »

  1. Never Lose hope…

    I’m sorry you were thinking of depression(The only feeling that seems to keep insane deep inside themselves, sadly enough).

    Yet, even though you were depressed and you wanted to cry(which you say you can’t anymore…Don’t worry, most males seem to be this way), you were kind(correct me if I am wrong) glad that you made some girl laugh at you…And because that’s all you want to do is make others happy, you didn’t feel any harsh feelings about her laughing at you. (Sorry if I’m repeating what you’ve probably tried to tell me and other readers..But I’m just trying to understand).

    Well…About you keeping hope, don’t lose it… I’m only 14, but I know how important it is to keep faith… So even though all this depression or feelings, and thoughts of rejection towards others fill your mind, don’t let it get to the extremes where you have no hope for the future… Because even though present is dark…Doesn’t mean your furture won’t be bright… ^^

    Well, anyway, I’ll guess I’ll see you around!

    LAG90

    Comment by loveandguns90 — December 5, 2004 @ 10:42 pm | Reply

  2. I don’t overtly turn somebody down, I just dont want to hang out with them one-on-one because they aren’t interesting to me and I don’t want to fake it. Or sometimes I’m worried they might like me in some sort of romantic way while I just want to be friends. Or they keep asking for coffee, and I don’t see how sitting in a little room and drinking expensive unhealthy stuff that doesn’t even get you drunk is fun.

    Comment by ononehand — December 6, 2004 @ 3:24 am | Reply

  3. I feel like any advice I have to offer here is already inside your own head, so there’s not much use in me babbling away condescendingly. Especially since I think we all set our standards for other people too high. It’s ironic that being rejected sticks out in our minds but not rejecting others. Regardless, providing that we didn’t live half a nation away from eachother, I would befriend you in an instant. I’d chance the possible rejection, even given your track record, because you seem like someone who has a lot to offer.

    I like the cold, it makes me feel numb and my eyes water almost as if I were crying (I lost my ability to cry and I want it back)
    I know what you mean

    I like making people laugh, not in a I’m-so-cool-and-funny way but in a I’m human, you’re human way that is so much more meaningful to me.
    Right on; connecting with people in that way is the best

    Comment by bemusedguy — December 6, 2004 @ 3:55 am | Reply


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