On One Hand

December 27, 2004


Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 1:17 am

I try to brush things off, but I have a body that won’t let me forget when something is wrong. It interrupts a seemingly serene situation with annoying stomach pains, chest and shoulder cramps, deep back soreness, eye aches and facial twitches, always leading back to some recondite emotional issue. Right now I have a deep ache just beneath my ribs on the lower left side of my chest. Sometimes I wonder if pain in different places corresponds with different kinds of emotional anxiety: rejection tends to hurt me in the heart, right behind the sternum, deep inside, while anger gets me between the shoulderblades and clenches down to the small of my back. The pain I have now isn’t localized so much. It migrates up and down, lulls for a moment before shooting out between my ribs, remaining to the left, and lessens somewhat when I breathe deeply.

I can think of a few things that could be bothering me. One, I fought with my family today. I was defending someone my parents don’t like, and Dad said my problem is that I “always think [I] can get in the heads of other people, as if [I] can know how they feel.” I told him that the exact opposite is true; I defend people because I realize that I don’t know how they feel – I don’t know what their motives are, so would rather we all refrain from judgment. Two, a friend is angry with me because I wouldn’t agree to get up at seven in the morning to babysit the inner city kids tomorrow; I’m zombified from sleep deprivation enough as it is, and the holidays are just a busy time. Three, there’s a guy I like. I’m anxious about him because I don’t think it’s appropriate that I like him so much, considering how little I’ve actually seen him. I don’t know how he thinks or feels about me, and I naturally fear the worst in these situations. I don’t know why I care so much if he likes me. My spontaneous ardor seems to have come from nowhere, abruptly displacing all the fun, unstressful crushes I usually have with one serious, unrequited interest.

None of these issues are particularly heavy on my mind, but here they are, in my chest, demanding attention. I close my eyes, relax, try to exhale my pain into the stale air, but it returns quickly between breaths or jumps to the sinews of my shoulder, wrapping around my back. I wish he was here now, with me, to massage them out or distract me with his smile. I have an urge to play strip poker or start some witty, sexual game with him. But he’s not here. And not knowing if he would want to be here anyway, I guess such thoughts are a part of my problem.



  1. ??

    I have no witty reply to this only this….I have been there I know what your saying but it turned out for the better for me me and this person are now happy hoping to move in with each other soon :/ all I can say is be yourself and become his friend that is how I did it.

    Comment by akumahermit — December 27, 2004 @ 9:24 am | Reply

  2. It seems that your body is in tune with your soul… which in turn is in tune with your writing, I love your writing… hope you don’t mind but I’ve added you to my friends list…

    Comment by mismatchedmind — December 27, 2004 @ 7:28 pm | Reply

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