On One Hand

February 15, 2005

STD Scare

Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 1:24 am

Everyone has at least one STD scare in college. Or so I assume that everyone does, since statistics show 80% of sexually active college students to be having an STD, and I would hope that all the the students with all the STDs are scared of it. But I think that many college students go through their fits of worry only to find out that they simply had a “stress rash” or something equally benign, not nearly as stigmatized as the problem they were imagining while in the midst of an irrational panic.

I’ve had a few STD scares, and to be congruent with most of my thoughts, all of my STD scares have been overreactions. As for memorable STD scares, I’ve had a few, beginning before I ever did anything sexual at all and continuing up to just about a week ago. My most recent scare happened a few days ago, when I noticed a strange sore spot on my ass. Now when I say “ass” I know everyone thinks of a certain unmentionable area that would be used during certain unmentionable forms of sex, but I am much more liberal with definitions. By “ass” I mean my tailbone, exactly as high as my “ass” goes before I have to call it “lower back,” in an area I could show a friend at work and be reprimanded, perhaps, but certainly not fired. But in any case, I found a sore spot there on my skin, which grew steadily worse over time, and my concern was enough to warrant further investigation.

After the soreness had been getting worse all day, I went into the bathroom, dropped my pants a few inches, twisted around and looked in the mirror to find a small, deep pink patch on my tailbone where the skin had been completely stripped off. It looked … gross. Concerned, I imagined what the sore spot could be, and thought of worst-case scenarios. If you’re gay, and sexually active, which I am, this is an area where STDs will likely occur. I thought of herpes, HPV, or some mysterious tropical flesh-eating bacteria, and decided that my symptoms were inconsistent with those diseases, meaning I probably had some rare form of one of them that is ten times faster and ten times more resistant to treatment. Then I thought of syphilis, knowing how it enters the body with a small, painless sore before going dormant for a while, and felt my heart rate accelerate as I wondered if syphillus was what I had. My sore spot was in a perfect place to be resulting from contact with a genital area, exactly where a guy might shoot his cum or rub his pubes against my skin while fucking me, and syphillus would be a perfect candidate to explain the symptom.

But then I realized something that I should have realized before thinking about getting an STD from anal sex. First of all, syphillus sores are painless, and this one hurt. But more fundementally was that it would be impossible for me to have gotten syphillus there in the first place. You see, I’ve never had anal sex in my life. I’ve never had another person’s genital areas anywhere near my back or tailbone, and I’ve never had any kind of sexual fluid there either. I’ve never had my own genitals near that area on another person. My tailbone was utterly virgin, and defaultedly clean. The strange spot, though painful, was probably something less serious than syphillus.

And then I looked at the pants I’d been wearing. They were cheaply made blue jeans, and had large, hard clumps of cloth and stitching where different seams came together. One of them was right under the beltline, on the upper part of the rear, in an ironically perfect location. I put the jeans on, and noticed that the clump ligned up exactly, exactly with the strange blister, and that place was exactly where I put all my pressure when I slouch in my chair in class, as I often do. I sat down for a moment, to experiment, bouncing quickly to my feat again as a jolt of pain shot from the hard seam intersection against raw skin. I sighed with relief as I called my problem solved.

I quit wearing those pants for a while, and sure enough, the blister healed. I guess I have to remember either to quit wearing those pants or to not slouch. In this case an embarrassing trip to the doctor was avoided, though I’ve spoken freely about extremely embarrassing doctor encounters before. The important thing to remember, that I can learn from this whole ordeal, is that I’m probably much safer than I think I am.



  1. Haha, got to your journal through Nick’s since I do nothing but chat and surf lj at work.

    That has to be one of the most entertaining entry I’ve read tonight.

    The end.

    Comment by vwxander — February 15, 2005 @ 9:39 am | Reply

  2. I remember my first Aids test… I stressed myself half to death waiting for the results… thing is, I was still a virgin at the time, never done any drugs, hardly ever kissed someone… there was no way I could have the dreaded disease, but that didn’t stop me from getting sweaty palms!

    Comment by mismatchedmind — February 15, 2005 @ 12:26 pm | Reply

  3. STD scares are useful. I’m glad you still have them ::hugs:: I’d hate to know you were sick.

    Comment by mroctober — February 15, 2005 @ 3:14 pm | Reply

  4. So your jeans gave you an STD?


    Comment by emotive_wisdom — February 15, 2005 @ 6:53 pm | Reply

  5. Um…

    Comment by ms_misdirected — February 15, 2005 @ 7:47 pm | Reply

  6. I got gonorrhea from a tractor.

    Comment by Anonymous — February 15, 2005 @ 8:03 pm | Reply

  7. I go through the same thing about once a month… My butt might happen to be a little sore that day (for reasons we won’t discuss) or sometimes it’s something as simple as I get an itch and the first thing that pops in my head is, “this is it, I have herpes”

    Comment by johnnya — February 15, 2005 @ 8:35 pm | Reply

  8. erotic.

    Comment by pickledcum — February 15, 2005 @ 8:59 pm | Reply

  9. I think we’ve all had scares like that. I know that I have… but you know, you have to remember that if you are safe and take care of yourself like you should, you have nothing to worry about.

    And you described perfectly the pulse racing. I hate that feeling more than anything else.

    Comment by usp121sgn — February 16, 2005 @ 12:28 am | Reply

    • I dunno… there is no true “safe” sex, which is why they call it “safer sex” now. Anyone can be careful and still end up with san STD.

      Comment by ononehand — February 16, 2005 @ 4:56 am | Reply

  10. Well, I got herpes where you just described. I am a virgin though. The doctor called it herpes but he told me it is the same as a Cold Sore, which is herpes so yeah.. Yep yep. It was so disgusting, the medication was so expensive and the insurance wouldn’t pay for it. Bah!

    Comment by xnewxbeginningx — February 16, 2005 @ 2:29 am | Reply

  11. Real Raw Baby

    Thanks for sharing?! What an in-depth analysis into life’s PROBING (sorry for the pun, I couldn’t resist!) questions… STD’s and Blue Jeans.

    I design/make clothing here in Boulder and totally understand about the extra stitching. I will remember your agony as I stitch for my customers! But I would encourage you to Buy locally – those 4 year old Cambodian seamstresses don’t care about chapping your ass, but I would!

    Comment by adesire — February 16, 2005 @ 10:56 pm | Reply

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