On One Hand

May 28, 2005

This is Who I Am

Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 11:44 pm


May 25, 2005

30 Minutes North

Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 6:11 pm

I want to forget this mess.
I want to lose the obsession and the heartache.
I want to park the car at home and never return to that polluted city,
I want to forget that place, overbuilt with shoddy towers of romance.
I want to cough out my last cigarette and spit it on the dusty lakebed of my life.
I want to wander down the busy street, going South until the hot asphalt turns green.
I want to take off my love-scented clothes and drop them at the edge of the slash-burned woods.
I want to sit on the biggest stump to watch the rains move in and raise the canopy.
I want to wander beneath the trees until they take me to the thickest place untouched.
I want to scatter old courtship notes like ash over the hillside, sprouting wild ferns.
I want to bury my nose in young orchids and drink through fat bamboo straws.
I want to find small branches and strip the bark to make them bleed.
I want to taste wet fruit as it hangs over fresh riverbanks, and plant the seeds.
I want to bathe alone behind the waterfall, hidden from the sun and the stars.
I want to move through tree branches flung through mist to the sky.
I want to slither through miles of limbs without touching soil.
I want to burrow into mounds of giant clover until dark.
I want to hug the Earth until it holds me in.

All I give, receive, or touch becomes me; nothing can be thrown away. It falls on the fertile ground to become a part of the forest that is myself.

May 24, 2005

Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 1:17 am

I used to pray for the ability to turn pain into joy. I saw the Universe filled with light and dark ether, waiting for a good person to suck up all the blackness and make it glow. With the prayers St. Frances I set out to brighten the night – this is what I felt to be my life’s deepest purpose for as long as I can remember. Somehow I had the idea that such things are possible.

It never works. When I love someone who has pain I want to feel it; I want to know every sad detail to plunge myself into those same awful depths, as if when the person sees how much I love him or her the festering scars will be conquered and healed. I wrote a story about a man who can do what I have tried, and my dad said it was the most depressing thing he ever read. My selfishness gets in the way on every occasion; I’m not a good person, but to do what I want I’d need to be. People think my masichism is abnormal and creepy – I have emotional scars to try to ignore and physical scars to try to explain. It will end in one of three places: strapped to a bed, flung from a bridge, or jaded, selfish and cold.

I want to bite this ache and start again. Maybe someday I’ll get it right. Maybe it’s just that I don’t pray enough anymore, or maybe I have too little Faith to see love spreading through the world like ripples on a clear pond. Maybe it’s presumptuous of me to think I’m fit for such a holy vocation, or maybe it’s impossible to do what I try and I’m wasting my time on a superstition. I just want to touch someone beneath the skin. I want all living things to shimmer like they did when I was young, and I want to make them shimmer when they don’t. I want people to remember me when I’m gone as someone who makes people happy – I want to be the one people reach out to when they’re in need. I want my footprints to be life and joy when my shoeprints are covered in dirt. I want her to be moved by my words, I want him to accept my love and tell me it won’t ever have to end. But these things are at best long to come, and I’m not sure if they’ll come at all. Each step is an act of faith. I’m doing all I can to survive.

May 23, 2005


Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 1:09 am

The broad world swept me up and spiraled inward to the tornado of one whose heart has no place for me, though his fingers and sweet sticky skin hold me prisoner lovelocked by his hands. The broad world spotted me in the far corner and pulled me to the center in the froth and the acid where only the strong may cling to life. The broad world pushed me forth with ambition and desire and then pressed me in the dirt beside the road. I am caught suspended over the razor-edge cutting deeper every time the rope swings and at the sight of my own blood I feel only jagged love for the cold steel and his torturous half-grasp. There is no comfort looking to the future and the past, for both are concealed in shadow. Only sheer force of spirit can sustain me now – I will not, I write as binding commitment in the heat of this irrational passionate triumphant haze, I will not I write not knowing what horrors I will face in the dark caverns of the depressive and the psychotic and the hopelessness of what may come bubbling up inside me in the blackness, I will not I howl with the determination of the mind against the heart and the spirit against the flesh and the man against God and fate, I cry that I will not, I bind to this in thick black ink as the unqualified, uncounseled and uninformed…I will not; I will not go down in a puddle of blood on the tile floor.


Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 12:48 am

I hate posting surveys here but this one was dead-on

May 21, 2005

Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 1:56 pm

I’m not a teenager anymore. It feels… creepy.

May 16, 2005

Sophomore Year

Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 11:22 pm

Sophomore Year in College, I wrote:

Over 80 pages of formal essays. (Not including: bibliographies and citations and typed assignments that were under 2 pages.)

Over 30 1-2 page responses to reading homework, poetry, and campus events, as well as class expectation letters and writer’s statements.

29 pages of fiction and creative nonfiction, creative portfolois, and creative typed projects.

Over 30 pages of poems and prose poems.

This ads up to 169 pages of turned-in, typed work. This does not include handwritten essay tests, multiple drafts, scrapped essays, application essays, in-class journals, and worksheets/busywork. This also does not include stuff I threw away, which didn’t get into the stack of papers I looked through and counted today.

May 14, 2005

Protected: Tanning

Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 2:09 am

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May 12, 2005

Sore Throat

Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 2:12 am

Colds are the most common cause of sore throats, so the best thing I can do is wait this out. But I think it would be hilarious if I had gonococcal pharyngitis. Seriously, hilarious.

May 10, 2005

Anne Coulter’s Not So Bad

Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 11:54 pm
Tags: ,

In spite of what I hear from people around me, I’m really not bothered by Anne Coulter as much as others who hold my political views are. I think she’s fairly easy to debunk and I don’t consider her to be that threatening. She’s not as influential, not as well-armed, and not as popular among Right-Wingers as Liberals seem to believe.

We all know that Anne Coulter is nothing short of radical. But if we take into account the tendencies of the political world, we realize that the hardline right, which is the group to feed off of Anne Coulter’s statements, does not have many foul-mouthed skinny blonde women on its front line thundering the treasons of the Liberal Left. There’s a reason for this: these people like their women quiet, prude, and smiling, a la Marilyn Musgrave and Laura Bush. If one looks hard enough, one realizes that Anne Coulter gets a great deal of criticism from the Right, and is influential primarily among secular neo-cons and young people, who are not as pervasive as we think. Coulter-loving Conservatives may be common on the Internet and among immature and idealistic College Republican groups, where younger neo-cons accumulate, but they aren’t the ones making up huge voting blocks of Evangelical Christians, and they aren’t swing-voters turing elections to Bush.

There’s another reason my blood doesn’t boil at the mere sound of Anne Coulter’s name. Feel free to slap me for saying this, but there is a thing or two about the woman that I actually respect. I appreciate the fact that she breaks a trend that I see annoyingly frequently in the Right: the tendency of Conservatives to pretend that they’re less racist/sexist/classist/puritan than they really are. They try to play to the center and don’t admit that they’re reactionaries, and preach populist messgaes when they’re really elitists. Anne Coulter is honest, albeit a nut, but says what she means. She’s a Conservative who Moderates can easily not vote for.

What I mean is, political conversations often go like this: when Liberals are talking about the increasingly wide gap between rich and poor, Conservatives say, “our policies handle poverty better; welfare only keeps people down and cutting taxes for the rich actually benefits the poor in the long run because rich people hire poor people when they have more money.” Democrats know that it’s bullshit. Anne Coulter is the type of Conservative to come right out and say: “I don’t like poor people, I don’t think an income gap is a bad thing, I think low-income people are low-income because they’re not as hardworking/intelligent/moral as we are and they deserve to be where they’re at.” Anne Coulter never addressed poverty per se in such a way, but she has come right out and bared her tobacco-stained teeth on other issues, Gucci purse swinging in all directions. She admits her that she sees Islam as an evil force in the world, stating that America can counter terrorism by invading the Middle East, taking over, and converting all Muslims to Christianity. That’s quite a controversial statement to make, and I think we’d be better off if more Conservatives made it. Do I agree with her view? Absolutely not! But I think it’s easier to argue with someone who admits the view outright, as opposed to someone who tries to justify extreme-Right actions with centrist moral justifications. I don’t believe for a second that George W. Bush doesn’t hold the same opinion on the Middle East and Islam that Anne Coulter does, and I don’t believe for a second that his pro-Christian beliefs didn’t influence his decision to invade Iraq. But George W. Bush woudln’t admit the fact that he’s an ethnocentric crusader to save his life, and he’s much harder to criticize as a result.

Besides, Anne Coulter’s funny, she’s an interesting person when she’s not talking about politics, and she’s got an impolite, impure, irreverent manner of speaking that young liberals appreciate in others. She’s not afraid of having a few drinks and she’s a single woman living in Manhattan at an age most other Republicans are long married.

Anne Coulter dogs on Liberals as a whole because they don’t address her arguments (more often, they throw food), saying that this is how Liberals operate. I disagree with Anne Coulter on this; I think Liberals are much more open to new arguments, self-correction, opposing ideas, and change than Conservatives are, (in fact, I think that is the most distinguishing characteristic between the two groups) which is why I identify as the former instead of the latter. But when it comes to Anne Coulter, I think that liberals really do seem to fire back with emotional, angry, ad hominem responses. This is a result of the illusion the corporate media paints of America, of the political dichotomy between Left and Right that can only be faced with arms raised and bared teeth, never moderation, understanding, or compromise. Skeptical, critical Liberals should know better than to play into the role. The best way to disarm an opponent is with respect, honesty, restraint, openness, and a rational coolness and good humor that we, the Liberals, are much better at than our counterparts. Look at our actions – look at our reluctance to use force over diplomacy in Iraq, look at our respect for the progress of science, look at our concern for all people, even those who initially don’t seem concerned about themselves – look at these issues and we see how Liberals differ from Conservatives, and we realize why we’re on the side that we’re on. If we would apply our good reasoning to addressing Anne Coulter’s statements, rather than loathing her name, we would make more progress than we do now.

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