On One Hand

May 24, 2005

Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 1:17 am

I used to pray for the ability to turn pain into joy. I saw the Universe filled with light and dark ether, waiting for a good person to suck up all the blackness and make it glow. With the prayers St. Frances I set out to brighten the night – this is what I felt to be my life’s deepest purpose for as long as I can remember. Somehow I had the idea that such things are possible.

It never works. When I love someone who has pain I want to feel it; I want to know every sad detail to plunge myself into those same awful depths, as if when the person sees how much I love him or her the festering scars will be conquered and healed. I wrote a story about a man who can do what I have tried, and my dad said it was the most depressing thing he ever read. My selfishness gets in the way on every occasion; I’m not a good person, but to do what I want I’d need to be. People think my masichism is abnormal and creepy – I have emotional scars to try to ignore and physical scars to try to explain. It will end in one of three places: strapped to a bed, flung from a bridge, or jaded, selfish and cold.

I want to bite this ache and start again. Maybe someday I’ll get it right. Maybe it’s just that I don’t pray enough anymore, or maybe I have too little Faith to see love spreading through the world like ripples on a clear pond. Maybe it’s presumptuous of me to think I’m fit for such a holy vocation, or maybe it’s impossible to do what I try and I’m wasting my time on a superstition. I just want to touch someone beneath the skin. I want all living things to shimmer like they did when I was young, and I want to make them shimmer when they don’t. I want people to remember me when I’m gone as someone who makes people happy – I want to be the one people reach out to when they’re in need. I want my footprints to be life and joy when my shoeprints are covered in dirt. I want her to be moved by my words, I want him to accept my love and tell me it won’t ever have to end. But these things are at best long to come, and I’m not sure if they’ll come at all. Each step is an act of faith. I’m doing all I can to survive.


1 Comment »

  1. I am a stranger, this is beautiful.

    Comment by syllabled — May 28, 2005 @ 5:27 pm | Reply

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