On One Hand

June 11, 2005

It’s Raining

Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 12:45 am
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Somewhere, he is getting up from his chair. He moves across the room slowly, deep in thought. He kneels on the bed, right hand on the windowsill above, left hand skimming lightly across the white, wrinkled sheets as he leans forward to peer outside. It’s raining. The sky is gray, and the roof is hollow with pattering. Outside, still leaves abruptly twitch under occasional raindrops. Healthy green against the gray sky, they sag deeply in the heavy wetness.

I am laying on my bed. I am on my back, looking at the white ceiling counting the bumps in the paint. I think of a line from a book, no, a film, spoken, “the only currency in this bankrupt world is what you share with someone else when you’re uncool.”

I have been uncool. I have trudged through dark halls with a thousand eyes piercing condemnation. I have stared alone unnoticed at the boys laughing at the next table, have flinched beneath slapping hands and relentless taunts. I have curled up lonely in bed with boys who swatted my touch, and have been shunned and rejected until I lost count and forgot the meaning of such things that are to be expected.

I turn onto my side, hold a pillow against my chest and hide my face in it. Its soft smell reminds me of old clothes and of countless nights sleeping in this bed. I wonder what he’s doing now, wonder if he thinks of me and longs to be beside me here. I wonder if he’s happy with his life and if he hopes for change. I wonder if he exists, or how many other lovers will come before him, between now and the time we meet.

Who he is has not been determined, and how it will be between us is unknown. I do not believe in “soul mates” or predestined matches that tempt fate if one of us should die or lose faith. He is only the last lover, and I don’t know what will hold me to him – will I love him or will I settle, will I be happy or will I always wish he were more, will I know him the moment I see him or is he someone I have already met?

Somewhere, he is turning away from the window and he lowers his bare feet to the ground. He sits on the edge of his bed, opposite the window, resting his elbows on his knees with his chin in his hands. He is thinking, privately, mysterious thoughts churning unknown and unexpressed. He straightens and places his palms on the mattress. He’s hoping for something. He’s unsure whether his long desires will come, but like me, he always keeps a light on for them just in case.

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7 Comments »

  1. I enjoy that (hopefully not because im wasted). That was really intense to me…oh god i cant think anymore….ummm…yeah i really enjoy that short story.

    Comment by _whoknowswhen — June 11, 2005 @ 8:02 am | Reply

  2. Striking, Beautiful and Haunting

    I’m just surfing aimlessly around lj, your journal and others like it seem to be what makes this whole community so addictive.

    Comment by circus51 — June 12, 2005 @ 8:49 pm | Reply

  3. Funny – I was thinking about the same thing last night. I like your version better though. Beautiful as always…

    Comment by ruevergniaud — June 13, 2005 @ 2:27 am | Reply

  4. damn! this is good stuff!

    Comment by randomcha — June 15, 2005 @ 10:11 pm | Reply

  5. SAFETY

    two wreaths of frost
    have painted themselves across your glasses.
    the lampshades now

    dim, and the
    banisters silent. no more green things
    reflected in the

    kitchen windows. a curl of steam
    drifts upward
    from the coffeepot–so

    slow it
    must be drugged. for you there still
    remains the long walk home

    through chilled winter
    evenings even
    on this sunday morning. there

    is no television, no radio,
    no book with a place marked inside to carry
    you away from this moment.

    so be
    still and
    remember.

    20-23 January 2002

    Comment by randomcha — June 15, 2005 @ 10:20 pm | Reply

    • Woah, the second time I went to this poem to read it (just now) it finally struck me. I guess it needed to sink in for a while, to leave a subtle fingerprint on my brain and be appreciated later when the foundation for feeling it was already there. This is really good!

      Comment by ononehand — June 28, 2005 @ 8:13 am | Reply

      • thanks! it’s great that you like it.

        Comment by randomcha — June 28, 2005 @ 12:31 pm


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