On One Hand

June 29, 2005

Muse

Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 11:57 pm
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I’m beginning to think that my writing is better when I keep it casual. Odd what a digression a poetry class can cause, though I met a lot of great people in there so it was worth it.

For the first time in months I am on good terms with Matt, after an hour-long phone conversation that had us both on the brink of tears for a while. He’s complaining that he fucks up the best things in his life and can’t get it right, and I’m resisting agreeing with him. I understand now that being bisexual is harder than I thought, with so much confusion as to what is needed or desired. Add to that a manic-depressive illness and borderline tendencies and the whole world is vague and undecipherable. I’ve mused that being bisexual is an ideal, the best of both worlds with unlimited options, and have said that I wish I had that. The problem is that love collapses the whole world to one person who is going to fall on one side or another, while your mind continues to waver or alternate against your will. I’m sure most hetero-flexible people work it out sooner or later, reaching an age or maturity where they don’t let their confusion hurt their loved ones (there are, after all, more bisexuals than non), but Matt isn’t there yet, plus he has much else to deal with having bipolar and all. Perhaps he could have done better but from my angle it makes no difference what his motives were. All I know from my mangled perspective is that the driver who hit me with that white Volvo didn’t mean to.

I got the upper hand today for the first time since the beginning, telling Matt I can’t get back with him. I said he needs a while to figure out who he is, that I’ve been hurt too bad to put myself at risk again. He seemed sad, but I think he understood. After work I sent him a text, saying “I want you to know, that at this moment I don’t regret a thing I ever shared with you.” In this place I’m neither lovestruck nor bitter and angry, and my mind is very clear. I forgave him; I had to. I love that guy so much. So fucking much.

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3 Comments »

  1. Good thing you are taking care of yourself as well as trying to help him.

    Comment by matraxis — June 30, 2005 @ 5:24 pm | Reply

  2. hey stinky.

    Comment by jaredrudolph — June 30, 2005 @ 10:39 pm | Reply


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