On One Hand

July 28, 2005

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July 27, 2005

to the people i have loved (and still do)

Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 11:31 pm
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she touched her tongue to her lips a(n)d sm(i)led. Laughing the way I love, the way her eyes light up, so I know she means it and air molecules allign to a(c)comodate the fullness of the s(o)und. Bubb(l)ing about som(e)thing in her cell phone and dancing around the wooden floors in bare feet –

he leaned in subtely as I ran my hands over, touching his tender spots and coaxing the(m) to relax, his pinkness, and (a)ll the pieces of him I loved but none were like (t)he way his small form filled the niche tha(t) had been pressed by him through the months into my body –

(I have loved all of you. If it’s worth it’s imprint in my memory I’ll hold it there, to last as long as I do. But one day I will die and the memories of all of you that I live for will be lost. Paper, keyboards do not hold them, and cannot pass them on; they’ll end with me and end with all of you. I try to know them as intensely as I can before they pass.)

– the summer sunlight lit the windshield uneven, reve(a)ling the dry dusty im(p)rints of water d(r)oplets and streaks. Shadows of pass(i)ng trees s(l)ipped over her face as she sang, as the small car cruised in the direction of the mountians in the distance –

our cigarretes crackled and sp(a)t, se(n)ding up small puffs of smoke l(i)ke our puffs of breath li(t) by streetl(a)mps. The chilly night wrapped us into ourselves but we laughed through the cold, trudging alive and buzzing over the pavement toward the lights ahead –

you remember, in spite of the al(c)ohol, the bubbles rising around our waists and the warm water pulling us in, the nig(h)t I felt the pain of loss slip away at last when I was lying against you(r) accept(i)ng body, your heated (s)kin –

you remember the times reaching back to before I saw the (w)orld t(h)is way, before (I) knew what (t)hings were importa(n)t and what things w(e) can’t afford to forget, the lunches, our trips Downtown when I was too sh(y) to ask for a name –

And our cigarettes. The city lights glinted off your eyes as I strummed guitar songs in the par(k), us s(e)venteen and (l)onging wondering when we wi(l)l have boyfriends someda(y). Wondering who we are and what we might become, the days when it had all just begun.

I’ve miss(e)d you, (l)ooked for you in phon(e) books and asked arou(n)d hoping I could right our wrongs, tell the secret I never told (a)nd how much you helped, how much I loved our french-fry lunch confessions, our conversations about God

and our f(a)ntasies, when you and I were lost childre(n), wandrin(g) homeless through th(e) wooded crevasses of the back yard with only each other and the trees as friends, when the lawn grass was filled with pihrannas, the field was our brown ocean and the c(l)othes racks in the mall were our archipeligo of tiny islands, and mom was yelling not to eat candy off the floor but we were too busy singing, so h(a)ppy to be in this place away from the busy world.

And to all of you I haven’t yet met, all of you I’ve only begun to know, all of you who were cut short by time and circumstances. To all of you I have spoken to through painful moments, who have carried me when my legs were weak and loving thoughts were absent from my mind. To all of you, I love you and will hold you with me.

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July 25, 2005


Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 11:01 pm

All the kids in Ft. Collins keep telling me, “Boulder is supposedly so liberal, but they’re all really a bunch of conservative rich yuppies.” In some ways the Boulder campus is conservative, with lots of rich elitists, since CU is the flagship school of the state and all and rich people want their kids here first. But I haven’t seen many women casually wandering around topless on the streets of downtown Ft. Collins (Boulder is the only city in CO where that’s legal). I haven’t seen many open fields with 3,000 people smoking pot in Ft. Collins. My case in point, thanks.

Oh, and in spite of the whole Ward Churchill thing and previous low enrollment levels, CU’s out-of-state population actually rose this year. The public’s memory is short, and my school is still a good one. Thanks.

I have a lot of friends in Ft. Collins. My sister will be a freshman at Colorado State next year, and I’m okay with it. A college kid is a college kid, I identify with all of them, and I thought it was just as cool seeing a bunch of CSU Rams stickers in Hawai’i as I would had they all been CU Buff stickers. But come on, people in the Fort, quit dissing my school.

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July 22, 2005


Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 5:39 pm

Lem Min G**: what are you thinking about?
Ituzzip: I was thinking what if you slipped a friend a viagra pill on a day he was scheduled to see a doctor
Ituzzip: these are the things that come to me right before I fall asleep.

July 21, 2005


Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 1:19 pm

We’re getting into those late summer days that stretch on hot to make everything brown and dry. The sky turns a pale, bleached-out color as if the mosture has been sucked out, or as if the blue is faded like old plastic under the sun, now dominating the landscape. Even the trees, with roots built for all seasons, wilt in the early afternoon. For me it’s swimming-pool-and-thrift store season, when I spend more time with old friends and relax in the dry heat, losing my ambition. I love when the world’s energy changes a little, this time from wet summer to dry summer, and in less than a month I’ll be back in school.

Over the last few days I felt the intense rush I’ve been on finally begin to fade, and I was afraid I’d crash into one of those times of despair and uneasyness that permeate everything around me as if they didn’t actually come from within myself. Maybe my moments of anxiety were resulting from my refusal to adjust to the frame-of-reference shift. I was afraid to lose the high, but maybe I can keep it if I let it fade into a different, more easy hapiness.

Every feeling has to change, and resisting its evolution kills it. You can’t cling to feelings or you’ll feel like everything is slipping away. I’ve let many friendships decay because I coudln’t accept that they don’t feel the way they did in the beginning, and that’s not the way the world works. Ease into the new feeling and enjoy it; the world will give you flashes of the old memories when you’re in the same season during future years.

July 20, 2005

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