On One Hand

July 1, 2005

Cycles

Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 7:04 pm

I’ve noticed that during the weeks when I’m sad I write short self-pitying entries that come out more than corny, and when I’m on a high I look back and comment on what I’ve learned about life in the process of getting better. My writing is much better when I’m high, even when I’m taking poor care of myself by drinking a lot at parties and not getting any sleep, and my sense of humor is (naturally) much more obvious during the good times. When I’m high the writing changes because I’m thinking more of life in general and less about emotion. Even though I’m so distracted and bouncy, I still manage to get a lot of writing done since I move faster and think more. I type twice as many words per minute, and entries spin out of control. When I’m low it’s hard to plug out a paragraph, making poetry more appealing because poems are shorter and reqire less momentum. (And since most of my poems are written during uncreative times, most of my poems are bad.) I’d like to take better records to know how long I’m up, how long I’m down, and how much I write during those times. I am thinking I am cyclorythmic, but still need to see someone about it to know for sure.

I am also realizing that I tend to “learn” the same things over and over again, in cycles. I’ll look back at journal entries I wrote as long as five years ago, when I was fifteen, and realize that I admit to writing much more about my mood when I’m depressed resulting in the illusion that I am depressed all the time. And I “learn” that life is something to be enjoyed and experienced, and write about that, and then I “learn” that all I long for is someone to love me and the need to lower my standards, and write about that. Then once more I “learn” that I was previously being too pessimistic. Each time I change I think I’ve made a personal revolution that will change my life, but by using a journal to keep track of it all I realize I jump back and forth every four months or so. Once again, this is all evidence that I’m cyclorythmic.

And then there’s the fact that for a while I’ll describe myself as a high-energy, happy-go-lucky person with lots of friends, and people I meet love me and find me funny. I’ll say “I can’t be bipolar because I never get depressed.” Awful things that happen do not phase me. Then for the next few months I’ll feel awkward, extremely nervous and anxious, and people I meet will reject me more often because they can tell my confidence is much lower and they consider me strange. I’ll say “I can’t be bipolar because I’ve never been manic or hypomanic.” It’s like my highs reinforce themselves because people like me when I’m high and I like to be liked, and my lows reinforce themselves because people judge me when I’m low and I hate being judged.

I am very, very high right now. Where I am is perfect, I wish it would last forever. I’m getting much done and doing well for myself. I don’t want to be medicated for bipolar disorder, if I were to have it, because I don’t want to loose the creativity and the speed. I just want to be high all the time.

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2 Comments »

  1. “And since most of my poems are written during uncreative times, most of my poems are bad.” i feel you! except I only write poems when I have the spur of the moment inspiration…and they’re still bad! I know how you feel about going through phases, but I try to hide mine from everyone, because I’ve found that they really don’t notice or care anyway.

    Comment by matthewtroxel — July 3, 2005 @ 2:04 am | Reply

  2. nothing profound to say; just that i know how you feel.

    Comment by bradfordneal — July 5, 2005 @ 2:52 pm | Reply


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