On One Hand

July 8, 2005


Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 10:51 pm

So it’s final, tomorrow I’m going to board a plane that will carry me to Honolulu by the afternoon. I didn’t want to say anything before now because I wasn’t sure I was actually going to Hawaii, but now I know I can get off work and the tickets are bought and I’m all packed so it’s a done deal. I’ve been aprehensive about going. Not to sound like a bitch, but since this trip was first planned for last Spring Break (postponed three times) I haven’t wanted to go; Hawaii doesn’t interest me much, and I would much rather find myself in a big city like New York or Seattle. My grandparents got to choose the destination for the family trip because my grandparents are paying for the tickets (they have a dream to die broke rather than pass any money on, which I fully support, and trips are a good way to blow cash). It’s not my money, but it’s still hard to justify spending so much on a ten-day trip. I pop a boner at the thought of having that much money to pay for rent, or weed, or clothes, or anything that lasts longer than ten days. If I had the money in my hand now, I would not choose to spend it on Hawaii.

I’m not afraid of airplaines, but for some reason I have a bad feeling about this particular flight. It’s just the sense that I am in a state of absolutely no commitments, as if the Universe has prepared me for this moment when all strings have come unnattached so I can die. I can’t think of anything I need to do soon or anything that I’m planning on, except for some vague hopes for a career and partying at school and having children and pipe-dreamy stuff that can change. I’m not in a relationship, I’m not in school, I am not in debt, and no one is seriously indebted to me – when they handed me my first paycheck today as I was leaving work I was almost too scared to take it – I haven’t found a roommate or apartment for next year, and I’m not even signed up for my classes that start this fall. My parents say things like “when we get back, we need to do this, when we get back…” but there’s no way to know if that will come. “Mom, we don’t even know if we’re coming back,” I said, which freaked her out. I wish I were more religious, so that I’d have something unrelated to my circumstance to resort to for hope in it, like asking people to pray for me and stuff like that.

Actually, I bummed some anti-anxiety pills from my ex when I was at his place last night, and after taking one I am not worried about flying. I like antidepressents because, though they make most people tired, they give me a lot of energy and confidence. Instead of fearing death I find myself telling a lot of jokes about it. I told Dad that I’m letting my beard grow longer now, so that if my severed chin is all they find of me in the smoldering wreckage of the fallen airplane, they’ll at least indentify that one part of me through hair samples and they’ll have one thing to bury in my name. My chin. Sexy. “Here lies Matt’s chin.” I can see my friends and cousins crying there, covering the browning cemetery grass with flowers and old photographs.



  1. I agree with you on the city part. I love the beach and all but I think vacations to cities are more fun.

    Flights aren’t a big deal. Enjoy it and try to relax 🙂

    Comment by usp121sgn — July 9, 2005 @ 2:27 pm | Reply

  2. Yeah, cities have much more to do and see. You can only lay on the beach for so long before you want to swallow sand and end the boredom. You’ll have a blast though, I’m betting it will be nice to have a change of scenery and situation for you! Have fun!

    Comment by matthewtroxel — July 9, 2005 @ 8:18 pm | Reply

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