On One Hand

August 1, 2005


Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 12:57 am
Tags: ,

When you’re accustomed to drinking large amounts of beer, it’s easy to forget where your limits are with stronger mixtures of alcohol. Chugging cups of margarita and jungle juice may seem reasonable in the moment but your body will find ways of letting you know you fucked up. I got drunk on mixed drinks, and just before I left the party I chugged two more cups of beer to avoid sobering up.

When I was eleven years old, I got the stomach flu and vomited in the hallway in front of my parents’ bedroom door. It happened at two in the morning when I was on my way to tell my parents I felt sick. I have an unusually determined stomach so in the nine years following that night I never threw up again no matter how sick I felt. Nine years is quite a long time, mind you all; that’s just one year short of being on Seinfeild.

Nine years without so much as a dirty burp made me worry that I’d forgotten how to tell when puking is iminent. What if it were to happen before my chance to prepare; could I puke while making someone’s sandwich at work? What would happen if I puked while giving a blow job? Or worst of all, what if I puked on somebody famous? So the other night I was lying on a couch at a friend’s place trying to sleep after a ridiculous amount of partying. I was stoned as fuck, lonely and a little down on myself. I was feeling my heart rate accelerate, hoping I would relax so I could stop being miserable, when I felt a strange pressure on my tongue, as if an invisible force was pulling my mouth open. I tried to swallow but I couldn’t, and when I felt my felt my abdomen slosh like a hot water bottle I had the sense to raise up on an elbow and lean to the right. And then, after nine years and two cups of jungle juice, I did it. On the floor, and then the trash can. Through my nose. It was really sexy.



  1. it’s been a good while since i vomited. i don’t know my vomit-timeline like you do, but i don’t really care to do it again any time soon.

    Comment by bradfordneal — August 1, 2005 @ 2:06 pm | Reply

  2. I recall a time when I was sick… and rushed into my parents room to tell them. I went to my mothers side of the bed, and shook her to wake her up. I got the words ‘I feel…’ out before I quickly threw up. As fast as that happened, though, she was able to get a pillow up in front of me so I didn’t throw up on her.

    Thats my story and I’m sticking to it.

    BTW, I’m Dan.

    Comment by waggy3eb — August 1, 2005 @ 2:07 pm | Reply

  3. sheesh It’s been at least 6 years since I’ve vomited. I plan on going another 50 without doing it too!

    Comment by johnnya — August 1, 2005 @ 6:16 pm | Reply

  4. wow, i have that to look forward to i guess. i haven’t thrown up since 1989. getting stoned always makes me LESS nauseous. but aren’t you glad you got to write about it?

    Comment by randomcha — August 1, 2005 @ 7:42 pm | Reply

    • NO! Well, yes, I’m glad I got to write it down, but I don’t know why I can’t write something good right now. I wanted to be published by the end of the summer, now dammit, the summer is about to end and I have to move the date up to the end of the year. Not that I ever thought a throw-up history is worth publishing, but I at least expected to look over it and think now that was really funny! I’m looking over it now and saying dammit, there’s nothing I could even modifyto make it good. I was more interesting a year ago than I am now.

      Comment by Anonymous — August 1, 2005 @ 7:48 pm | Reply

    • Aw, crap, I forgot to sign in. That last comment was me, btw.

      Comment by ononehand — August 1, 2005 @ 7:51 pm | Reply

      • well, if it’s any consolation … saturday i worked on the book for about 3 hours and wrote exactly half a page. it’s hard. we just hafta keep on truckin’.

        Comment by randomcha — August 1, 2005 @ 8:12 pm

      • I’m afraid I might be riding a scooter. And the first truck stop is over 100 miles away.

        Comment by ononehand — August 1, 2005 @ 8:14 pm

  5. I HATE vomitting with a fiery passion! The last time I bowed to the porcelain gods was over spring break in LA. A mix of mexican food, tequila, and vodka proved too much for me to handle. I pretty much tossed my cookies for an hour straight and then some!

    Comment by matthewtroxel — August 1, 2005 @ 8:08 pm | Reply

    • That’s some very rich vocabulary for such a vernacular subject.

      Comment by ononehand — August 1, 2005 @ 8:10 pm | Reply

      • I dunno, sometimes I’m just verbose. Or maybe bodily functions just whip me into a verbal frenzy. Who knows?

        Comment by matthewtroxel — August 1, 2005 @ 8:32 pm

  6. that’s disgusting…but you are a good writer. thought i’d point that out…

    Comment by hurley_chik — August 2, 2005 @ 7:28 am | Reply

  7. I thought bases were slippery and acids make things feel rubbery and cling. Think of soap, which is alkaline, versus hard water, which is acidic. But the slime might work as a lubricant, I guess.

    Comment by ononehand — August 2, 2005 @ 7:36 am | Reply

  8. he has a point there 🙂

    Comment by hurley_chik — August 2, 2005 @ 7:45 am | Reply

  9. Hmm, I may recall something in Men’s Health reccamending vomiting while giving head for that exact reason.

    Comment by ononehand — August 2, 2005 @ 7:47 am | Reply

  10. no i don’t mind

    Comment by ononehand — October 1, 2005 @ 1:57 am | Reply

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