On One Hand

August 4, 2005


Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 1:01 am
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I’m looking through this old journal – the pages are turning yellow – and thinking, how am I ever going to do this for a living. These little thought-fragments here mean a lot to me, but the things that I consider profound aren’t the things that people like to read. I hear a little kid talking about the nature of the world and I’m almost moved to tears sometimes, but then I pick up The Awakening for a class and I’m too bored to finish it. Kate Chopin is a wonderful writer and her story is beautiful, but I’m just too bogged down with all those little words. Ah, ADD sucks.

What gets me on a high are moments of thought and puzzlement in people. Those are the things I try to inspire in writing and I wonder if writing is the right way to do it. It’s why I do things like hide potatoes under my friends’ pillows, becasue I think that the image of that person going to bed and suddenly wondering what the fuck is THIS!? is really hilarious. I’m not chasing after the fleeting moment-of-understanding, I’m drawn to confusion and disjointedness and the awe of an incomprehensibly perplexing scenario. It’s why I spend so many hours looking at stars or at the shapes of treetrunks or the way the veins of leaves run paralell then cross each other, intricate and patterned yet random. Rationalizing is when you try to incorporate something into yourself, which defines it. Awe is when you incorporate yourself into it, which sets you free. It’s why I can never explain what I’m feeling in sentences. It’s trying to get a reader to understand love through dry articulation, versus noting the crack in a lover’s voice, the way he smells, or the unique way she dots her I’s and letting the reader feel it, which I find much more evocative.

My favorite thing to do with small children is to take them outside to look for bugs. My sister babysits a two-year-old girl and I sometimes steal the toddler to show her the backyard. She recites, as she has been taught by her parents, “ew gross” at the spiders and she flinches at the wasps. But when I sit her down and show her what the spider is really doing, spinning this ubelieveably intricate orb of several kinds of thread, dancing across the silk only touching the right strands to avoid getting stuck, being perfectly harmless and perfectly free and having its own justified existence, she gazes at it thoughtfully, intricate processes dancing through her own mind as she interperets the world differently through the paradigm of this one little spider’s life. It’s incredible, to just sit and watch kids observe, knowing that I am doing the exact same thing, observing, by watching the young person think.

I’ve recently realized that being in awe of nature together is one of the most romantic things I can do with a lover, and it’s a quality I need my next partner to have. My ex spent a lot more time being in awe of drugs, which was mind-expanding in its own right but hard to reduce myself to when I realized that drugs were at the heart of his identity and barely on the fringe of mine. I spent all that time learning constellations for something, and I’m waiting for the day I get to teach what I know.



  1. Utterly wonderful… you may or may not have a gift with words, but as you seem to think – words are incomplete – but you have a gift of actually living

    Comment by circus51 — August 4, 2005 @ 9:37 am | Reply

  2. Good Sign

    You have realized or felt the presence of THE CREATOR. Children have a unique gift of spiritual perception which adults tend to lose when they become “socialized”. You wish to be taught as to teach. If you can find your path of purpose again (as I think you feel you have stumbled a lil bit), you will understand that the world is nothing more than a blanket of knowledge open to all. Most of us just do not wish for the abilities of our ancestors anymore. Power and Greed rule these days. The acquisition of wealth and luxury appears to be the goal of the majority of men and women in our current society. Instead, living in balance with all things should be the goal of today. If you can understand that all things have energy (I am sure the concept is not above you), listening to them will trip you out even more than any drug can. Imagine if you could hear a rock speak? Or if you could ask a spider a question and get a very real answer? If you could learn to travel to realms of unimaginable beauty, would you take the time to learn? If you enjoy the unknown or like adventure, of course, you would! Human Beings, not Humans, know of this powerful gift as we realize THE CREATOR is everywhere, is everything. I think once you return to your path of purpose, you may understand this unique gift with more clarity.

    Comment by Anonymous — August 4, 2005 @ 8:19 pm | Reply

    • Re: Good Sign


      mostly right now I just want to figure out if I’m really bipolar or not, and if so, get it under control. I’d also like to start writing for real rather than just making points on livejournal. But if I could figure out how to get in touch with whatever it was I had when I was a kid, that would be great. I just can’t find anyone else who cares about that.

      Comment by ononehand — August 4, 2005 @ 8:27 pm | Reply

      • Re: Good Sign

        I do not believe you are bi-polar. You felt pain today because you are searching to experience the concept of True Love as you understand it or seeking a noble endeavor. Hence, the reason why sparrow paid you a visit this morning. Sparrow was trying to tell you that what you seek is near, all you have to do is open your eyes to recognize it. You must not be afraid to be your true self or the opportunity will pass by.

        Comment by Anonymous — August 4, 2005 @ 10:48 pm

      • Re: Good Sign

        That I am considering that I might be bipolar is a much more long-term situation than what happened today. I’ve been through a few very distinctive cycles now and the recent ones have occured without provocation at all, and they’re getting more clear and definite each time they move through. Anyway, I already know should quit all this self-analysis and go see a shrink already.

        Comment by ononehand — August 6, 2005 @ 5:59 am

  3. Rationalizing is when you try to incorporate something into yourself, which defines it. Awe is when you incorporate yourself into it, which sets you free. It’s why I can never explain what I’m feeling in sentences.

    i could not have put it better myself. and about the outddors…i feel the same way. tis why i am so much happier here in colorado 🙂

    i love kids. prolly cause i still am a kid myself. i was gonna write my fav things to do with kids, but i’m gonna save that for my own update 🙂

    Comment by hurley_chik — August 4, 2005 @ 9:30 pm | Reply

  4. I spent all that time learning constellations for something, and I’m waiting for the day I get to teach what I know.

    Total opposite here, I’m waiting for the day where somebody knows what I’m talking about and I don’t have to explain it.

    Comment by entamishmish — August 6, 2005 @ 9:32 am | Reply

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