On One Hand

August 4, 2005

The District

Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 12:20 pm

I woke up this morning in an unbearable pain that I can’t describe. It wasn’t entirely in my body, and it wasn’t entirely emotional – it was somewhere between body and mind, and things and people I thought I had gotten over long ago were here agian in the chasm of their absence. You will all think I’m just trying to be poetic, but I swear, this was intense. I put on some music to dispel the felling and sat back looking at the gray sky and the drizzle – there was a sparrow on the windowsill and it had puffed itself up trying to shake the water off its feathers. It was eerily symbolic, and I wished it could come inside and sit with me.

This has been happening to me every now and then over the last few weeks, in the mornings and whenever I get too quiet during the day. After about a half an hour hugging my pillow and trying to breathe the feeling out I get up and move around, which is usually more effective than lying there, but the heavy slowness lingers all day and I feel awkward about normal things. I’ve been sleeping a lot lately. I can’t wait until I’m high again and feel wonderful all the time.

(Suddenly there’s this negative image of Matt across my body and I can’t erase it, no matter how plainly I acknowledge that the relationship was no good. The way he speaks to me is so patronizing, what would I really be saying about it if I forgave him when I know he’s not going to stop?)

“The District Sleeps Tonight” by the Postal Service is a beautiful song, but it gives me an eerie uncomfortable feeling. I think listening to that song is like what it feels like to be a ghost.



  1. I love the Postal Service.

    Comment by coldrainyday — August 4, 2005 @ 7:18 pm | Reply

  2. i love the postal service 🙂

    Comment by hurley_chik — August 4, 2005 @ 10:04 pm | Reply

  3. ‘skating in central park’ by the modern jazz quartet always makes me feel better, i swear!

    Comment by randomcha — August 5, 2005 @ 12:12 am | Reply

  4. I just listened to that song, and that was the first thing that came to mind when I read the title of your entry. It was a perfect song to listen to with todays weather.

    Comment by matthewtroxel — August 5, 2005 @ 1:13 pm | Reply

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