On One Hand

September 29, 2005


Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 1:43 pm

The days are blending together now, probably because I don’t keep a regular schedule and I rarely sleep at home. I like it this way. I remember times when each morning felt like the beginning of a new story, and I and everyone else would take turns writing it. Now the daystories stretch on to encompass weeks, strung into a longer whole. It’s the way thoughts are fleeting but when placed naked in writing and connected to other thoughts, they are joined, like my days, into a longer whole.

Now I have everything I’ve wanted lately – beautiful people and long chains of unusual moments blured into perpetual disjoint. I get what I want every now and then and it never results in the sense of completeness that I felt it would. I take a few moments to pause and reorganize myself, only to find that I want new things. (With no particular desires in mind, I’m pausing right now, wondering what I’ll set my eyes on next.) Intellectually I always knew I wouldn’t be content, so I’m never dissilusioned by the lack of fulfillment, but each moment a part of me yearns for that wonderful golden apple (a lover, a symbol, a poem) insisting that it’s all I’ll need. Being perfectly satisfied contradicts an important part of what it is to be alive and to be human. It’s why the Christian Heaven never quite appealed to me, even when I was Catholic – I always assumed God had a part II up his sleeve that would occur after the “final” Judement Day. I think that Buddhism would have something to say about most of this.

Over the last week and a half, I have consumed over half my bodyweight in cigarettes and pure alcohol. It’s eating me alive and I love it.

What was that final thing I wanted to say…
Oh yeah, breathing. I love sleeping with people and feeling them breathe. I breathe slower than most people, so I like to time my breathing so that he breathes exactly four cycles for every one breath I take. It’s like he’s the melody and I’m the harmony of a song. It’s like I’m playing guitar and he’s my left hand and I’m my right, and I strum or pick four paterns before I change the chord.

If this is resonant with your thoughts and you have something you would like to contribute, please do.



  1. i want somebody to sleep with :\

    Comment by hurley_chik — September 29, 2005 @ 9:45 pm | Reply

    • Awh. Be warned… if you want to come across the kinds of people who like doing things like this, you might have to overcome your aversion to cigarettes… .

      I can’t think of one person I randomly slept with who doesn’t smoke… aside from those experiences done solely in the context of hooking up, which I do not prefer anymore now that I’m so thoroughly overwhelmed with repetitive, habitual, meaningless sexual activity.

      Comment by ononehand — September 30, 2005 @ 5:42 pm | Reply

      • well then i guess i’m fucked for life…in the bad way :\ damn it!!!

        Comment by hurley_chik — September 30, 2005 @ 6:16 pm

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