On One Hand

October 9, 2005


Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 12:41 am

A few days ago, walking to class, I felt something soft lumped inside my jeans below the knee. I let it slide down to my ankle and pulled it out: it was a sock.

That reminded me of a previous experience. Over the summer I always packed a clean set of clothes in my backpack, along with my work uniform, in case I unexpectedly stayed out a night. One day I stepped in to the place I work and stood behind the food counter, in view of customers, to unfurl my apron and put it on. A pair of boxers fell out. I ran back to my car.

My cellphone quit working today. Actually, the charger broke, so I turned the phone off to save the one remaining bar on the meter. I am disconnected – from everyone.

I went to buy a pack of cigarettes, and when I got back to my apartment, I realized my keys were missing. I stood in despair of my misfortune: without a phone to call for help, I’d locked myself out. Then I realized that the door only locks from outside. I checked my other pocket and found my keys.

I am disconnected – from myself.

I hate spending nights alone because I sometimes wake up shaking, upset over nothing, and can’t sleep. That has never happened when I’ve stayed with someone else. Well, twice – once long ago, and only because of who it was, and I was seventeen, and very lonely. The second time was with Matt and I cried on his chest and he didn’t wake up.

Whenever I buy a pack of cigarettes, I am disgusted by the taste of that brand before the pack is empty, and find myself bumming other kinds from friends before I even run out. Though I smoke frequently, in three years I’ve bought maybe six packs. It makes me wonder what, exactly, I am addicted to. Company?



  1. i was phone-less for six days…it’s one of the worst feelings ever…

    Comment by hurley_chik — October 9, 2005 @ 9:19 am | Reply

  2. My link to the outside world has been severed too… someone thought it funny to report my phone stolen and my service provider decided it was a good idea to block it… No amount of begging and pleading seemed convincing enough for them to lift the block so I’m stuck having to wait until Monday to sort things out.

    The notorious question remain, who wants to be lonely?

    Comment by mismatchedmind — October 9, 2005 @ 9:50 am | Reply

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