On One Hand

November 3, 2005

Mushrooms II

Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 1:30 pm
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“Watch out for that slick spot, Lindsey,” Dr. Miller warned.
The dark cave passage sloped steadily downward.
“Of course,” Dr. Lindsey said. The two pressed forward under the looming, slimy cave walls. The air was tinged with an acrid odor both men knew but couldn’t name.

“Any clue where we are yet?” Lindsey broke the short silence.
“Not at all,” was Miller’s reply. “I’ve never seen a cave like this.” The dimly-lit walls were shiny and slick, while the humid air grew warmer with each unstable step toward the deep bowels of the cave.

After several minutes walking the two men came to a wide ledge that wrapped around the tunnel, arcing inward toward them like a convex disc. The passage through the gatelike protrusion was small and circular, too narrow to walk through but just wide enough to pass through on hands and knees.
“We’ll have to crawl,” Miller said.
Lindsey cringed. “It’s awful in there,” he sighed.
“I don’t see us having much of a choice,” Miller said as he boosted his friend onto the ledge and into the small hole. “Got it?”
“Yeah, I’m up,” Lindsey said, reaching back to pull his friend up behind him. “It smells awful,” he warned.

Inside the passage the pair nudged forward on hands and knees to find that the tunnel’s diameter grew still smaller farther in. Lindsey’s hands stung on contact with the slimy floor.
“It’s acid!” Lindsey exclaimed, fumbling to wipe his hands on his pants. But there was no room to turn around, and nowhere to go back to if they did turn – the two had no choice but to endure forward, ignoring their burning hands and knees.
At the tunnel’s narrowest point the doctors’ chests were nearly pressed against the cave floor. Clouds of hot steam flowed past the lost travelers.
“God, what is this place?” Miller wondered out loud.

Suddenly a river of thick, dark liquid surged through the cave, covering both men to their chins and spattering their faces with drops of red.
“Good God,” Lindsey’s eyes were wide with horror. “It’s blood!”
Miller panted heavily in terror. “This is Biblical!” he screamed, stretching out his arms to keep his balance while the powerful stream pushed both men back. The blood was thick, clinging in heavy clumps to the doctors’ clothing as it surged forward. The blood had the foulest odor either man had ever known.

With a loud gargle the walls came alive, heaving as they rippled forward. Then as quickly as the river appeared it switched direction, sloshing back into the cave and sucking both men forward with it. Suddenly the cave floor beneath Miller and Lindsey dropped out, and the two were emptied into an enormous cavern so large that neither could find the ceiling or the walls.

The doctors tossed in a churning sea of hot, curdling blood, desperately flailing for any object to cling to.

“If only I hadn’t had that affair!” screamed Dr. Lindsey, “clearly we’re in Hell!” The two men cringed at the thought that they were destined to boil forever in the hot, putrid scum of a bloody ocean, deep in that unmentionable place that had shaken them with night terrors as young children.

But in truth they were in a place far worse then Hell. Only Miller would realize where they were. As for Lindsey it was too late; Lindsey had already slipped forever under the slimy sea and drown. A second before Miller felt his own lungs fill with the thick fluid and his mind spin into oblivion, he came to understand at last where the two gynecologists had wandered:

they were in a giant, menstruating uterus.



  1. Most entertaining thing I have read all day. And I’ve done a lot of reading today.

    – Justin

    Comment by drchc15 — November 3, 2005 @ 10:52 pm | Reply

  2. As soon as you announced they were gynecologists, I knew where it was going.

    And EW. I’m gonna have that image burned into my mind for a while to come…

    Comment by not_a_freak — November 4, 2005 @ 3:54 am | Reply

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