On One Hand

December 10, 2005


Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 10:56 pm

Relationships are dangerous for me. So full of highs and lows. That’s why I try to avoid them. When I’m not in a relationship I’m content, with no particular need for love and attachment. But when it happens, always by accident, it’s like an addiction. Literally. The seratonin bursts through my brain in waves and leaves me anxious and low in my partner’s absence. Like a drug.

Affection almost always brings me out of a low place, no matter the scenario. When my mood is down, I can use physical and emotional contact as a way to flood my brain with the chemicals I need to feel happy. Occasionally I’ll get so low that it doesn’t work – I think you need a little seritonin and epinepherine for the chain reaction to start, so if there’s nothing there at all, I might as well be alone. But I’m not in that place.

I’m in a more delicate balance, with tinges of, should I say… obsession. I could go either way. In the beginning of this was an insane high period that probably would have come whether he was there or not. I was absurdely optimistic and somewhat conceited, spending dollars like pennies and ready to jump off a building just to see if I would fly. Endless energy. Now it’s leveled off, and I’m left with my addiction. I feel normal, in a good way, but in a delicate way.

When I get stuck up or down, my state is very resilient and near impossible to come out of. When I’m neither up nor down, it doesn’t take much to tip me to either side. It takes strength to keep myself there. When the power is suddenly held by another person to push me either way, and I’m not in control, well, like I said: it’s dangerous.



  1. We’re in opposite boats. In a way I’m jealous, because I can barely feel attached to other people.

    Comment by strangedivine — December 11, 2005 @ 6:20 am | Reply

    • See that’s how I feel most of the time. For the longest time I was extremely worried that since I was still in love with my ex boyfriend (as I still am), I wouldn’t be able to form a bond with anyone else. I thought my love life was virtually over. But, you know… it happens. And then it’s like, woah, here we are in the beginnings again…

      But I can tell you your situation is an ideal one… relationships run so much more smoothly when you’re not too attached. Open relationships are a way to keep it that way, and I suppose there are other ways. Attachment is scary because you know there will be hard feelings if you break up, and in that case all the time you spent trying to build a friendship is ruined.

      Comment by ononehand — December 11, 2005 @ 6:40 am | Reply

      • I can see your point. I guess I worry that I’ll seem cold when I say that I have to “work” towards caring about people, it doesn’t just happen as a matter of course. Nevertheless, when it takes time to build a relationship, the result is balanced and stable–theoretically.

        Comment by strangedivine — December 11, 2005 @ 6:52 am

      • the relationship itself may be, but it doesn’t mean you are. Some people are just wired unstable, lol. I think I am one of them.

        Comment by ononehand — December 11, 2005 @ 8:10 am

      • the origin of suffering is attachment.

        Comment by bradfordneal — December 13, 2005 @ 12:30 am

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