On One Hand

January 2, 2006

Capricorn

Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 9:33 pm
Tags: ,

There are a thousand roles I play in my life – I have a thousand conflicting identities to consider when I make a decision. Sometimes I’m the chivalrous lover, doing everything for the sake of an image of bravery and altruism. Sometimes I’m the adventuristic bohemian, and make my choice hoping it will keep me free to travel and accumulate a long list of unusual stories. Sometimes I am a student doing what’s best for school and sometimes I am a mindless employee trying to get a raise. Sometimes I think I’m a tortured artist and crave turmoil because I assume it fulfills some unspoken purpose of life. Sometimes I make choices wanting money or the good life and sometimes I want attention and respect. Sometimes I’m the mindful environmentalist hoping to limit the harm I inevitably cause through my material needs. Sometimes I’m obsessed with keeping as many options open as possible and refuse to commit to any. Sometimes I’m striving to be “drama-free,” artificially stoic or silent on the things cause me pain. Sometimes I’m looking out for myself and sometimes I’m mindlessly masochistic, filling my life with hopeless complexity and my body with thin scars I’ll never be rid of. I have a hedonistic streak I’ll probably never escape, and I can be an incessant moralist.

All these things are layers of who I am, but these shells fall away when I think of you.

I am going to say something, and I am not saying it as an aspiring writer who wonders, “how will this choice help my career ambitions?” I’m not looking for material. I’m not saying it as a sexual adventurist or a melancholy half-assed poet trying to weave my life into some beautiful tumultuous story. I’m not saying this as the superstitious, wondering how well our stars are alligned. I’m not saying it as a college student wanting a carefree romance or as a thinker or as a person who hopes for success. I am not saying it as an idealist, clinging to any concept of my past or future. I am not saying it as the good son, wondering what my parents would think of my choice. I am saying this, instead, as most basic me, existential, which remains after all chosen, changeable parts are shed. This is you and I, off in the woods, and the world outside is nothing but silent trees and rocks and green grass, none of it whispering yes or no. I want you to know that this is me, my eyes looking straight at yours transfixed and the whole world is faded away invisible in the distance.

I am speaking as none of these things. Or, rather, maybe I’m speaking as all of them together; it makes no difference. The point is, I am not one more than any other when I tell you this:

Right now, I want to love you. I want you to be the refuge I turn to when all else fails. I want to believe in you and be your refuge when you’ve otherwise lost hope. I want to grasp your hand, kiss each knuckle one by one, contemplate each joint and contour of your body until I know your form more deeply than it knows itself. I want to mold myself to the shape of you. I want to bring forth all the pain I’ve felt and trust you with it, to lie naked and trembling in your hands. I want to take your pain and make it mine. I want all the things I want for myself to be for you, too, and I want to give you credit for everything I accomplish.

I don’t need to think about this longer when every resource I turn to tells me the same thing. I have no need hold back for the sake of “freedom” when having someone else here only means wishing he were you. I don’t need to consider being distracted from school or writing when you only inspire me to work harder. Oh, I know, someday you may crush me, someday you’ll take my beating heart in your hands and fling it against a wall. The chances of avoiding it are slim. Better you than anyone else, I suppose. Right now there is nothing in this broken world but you that gives me comfort.

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4 Comments »

  1. I’m in awe; this was very beautifully written. The individual you wrote it to is a lucky guy.

    I’m Lucas, by the way. I’m on your friends list, but under “bemusedguy”, my inactive account. Mind if I add you to this one?

    Comment by soul_meets_body — January 3, 2006 @ 9:03 am | Reply

    • Of course I don’t mind. Please do.

      And thank you.

      Comment by ononehand — January 3, 2006 @ 9:19 am | Reply

  2. Is this a specific guy or just the idea of someone out there?

    Comment by Anonymous — January 4, 2006 @ 12:28 am | Reply

    • I am definitely thinking of a specific person but I suppose it could carry over to someone else I haven’t met yet. I mean, there’s a good chance he doesn’t want any of this, in which case I will be pretty upset for even asking. Whether our relationship goes down in my mind as a miracle or a debacle is up to him.

      Comment by ononehand — January 4, 2006 @ 4:22 am | Reply


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