On One Hand

January 12, 2006

Phone Call

Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 3:17 am

My ex boyfriend (Matt) just called to let me know that we should hang out soon because he’s going to Europe for six months and he won’t be able to take me to the bars on my twenty-first like all our old plans. At 2:45 in the morning I was laying in bed but happy to entertain a brief conversation to ask for a little relationship advice.

Matt proceeded to tell me that he’s dating a cop and has been working out and quit doing drugs. Well, I figured, I’m glad he could do that for someone, even if my own pleas for him to stop doing coke and drinking to oblivion only annoyed him. And I’m glad he and his new guy are “set for success” and that he’s got his bipolar under control now and that he wants to marry this guy and all that beautiful shit.

Interesting when his original excuse for dumping me was “I’m not ready for commitment, and I don’t know if I want to be with a guy.” (Changing one’s mind about commitment is code for just-not-into-you-anymore, as is being suddenly heterosexual.)

I’m totally cool with Matt being happy. What I’m not cool with is what it says about myself.

Me? How have I been? I honestly couldn’t give Matt a straight answer. Highs and lows, I told him. I’m kind of in the same place I was six months ago: in love with someone who likes me as me but doesn’t seem to like me as depressed me and I don’t think he knows there’s a difference. Like Matt he seemed to quit knowing what he wanted just when I figured out I wanted him and I’m left looking at myself wondering what it is about me that causes this. I just want something to work and it’s like nothing works even though in my delusion I always say next time. And I’m feeling lonely and rejected and less of myself than ever, but hey, it’s the beginning of a year, and I’m as happy to see the old one go as any person possibly could be.

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2 Comments »

  1. Man I hate it when I’m down like that. If you want anyone to chat with, I’m always available.

    Comment by jdhenchman — January 12, 2006 @ 3:04 pm | Reply

  2. it’s always a bummer when the ex changes for someone else, but sometimes it’s for the better. hard to see in the moment, but everything happens for a reason. if you need someone to talk to please do not hesitate to call!!!

    Comment by hurley_chik — January 12, 2006 @ 3:38 pm | Reply


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