On One Hand

January 13, 2006

Love At First Sight

Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 3:46 am

Sometimes when I see a girl I know instantly that she and I will be friends. Before the first word is spoken between us I know who she is. Even if I don’t act on the urge to introduce myself, fate crosses our paths again and again until we finally talk.

It first happened in high school with a girl who didn’t like me in the beginning. She accused me of not being myself, and I, like a scorned lover, insisted on getting to know her. I gave up a few times but our paths crossed again until we became good friends. She is now one of the most reliable people I know and even living in different towns we see each other regularly.

Again it happened in high school in a thin girl with dark hair, big green eyes and an amazing sense of appreciation for life. Elana wore all black and a wicca star and greeted me with a brilliant smile when I introduced myself in the lunch line. She was oblivious to the cliques and heierarchies of my high school and accepted everyone. It was the year I got depressed for the first time, and Elana was there telling me I had nothing to be afraid of. She told me to be true to myself and to forgive myself for my faults. Elana saved my faith in God by refusing to beleive in anything but an absolutely benevolent Universe. I thought God hated me then, she gave me hope that the truth was otherwise.

Elana later asked me to be her boyfriend, and I only shook my head and said “it wouldn’t work out.” I couldn’t bring myself to say why, though I also couldn’t bring myself to lie to her and say yes. Elena was disappointed and later left the school, and when I called her house I found that she didn’t live at home anymore. She was in some sort of rehab facility for smoking pot, though at the age of 16 she was ironically one of the most wise and mature people I have ever met. I haven’t seen her since then, and I would give anything to get back in touch, to tell her what she did for me.

It has happened many times since, and every time the girls tell me, “be yourself.” It’s hard when I hardly know myself anymore – I don’t know what parts of me are me and what parts are my illnesses. But the lesson always makes sense in the end.

I talked to another one of those girls today. I first saw her months ago at the beginning of the fall semester, and we finally sat down over a pot of tea at a coffehouse on Pearl Street. We complained about boys and romance and the pervasive conflict of loving yet being unsure. I think we connected.

These are my people. I need to spend more time with them.


1 Comment »

  1. wow, the story about elana is very startling, it’s incredible that you never got to see her again.

    lovely entry.

    love math+

    Comment by theyare45 — January 13, 2006 @ 3:06 pm | Reply

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