On One Hand

January 23, 2006

Only 55 Years till Retirement

Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 11:11 am
Tags: ,

I’m angry. It’s something that bubbled up today seemingly out of nowhere. I’m suddenly frustrated that I always think my life is on the verge of becoming wonderful and then nothing happens. (And maybe it has something to do with the fact that I just quit smoking.) If you are a person I yelled at today, know that I am sorry.

When I was 13 and getting my ass kicked at school every day, I tried to hide the bruises from my dad because he would get pissed that I wasn’t “defending myself” and put his fist through a wall. Right around the time that I stopped being able to cry, right after my uncle died with HIV and I realized I was a fag and had to go to the emergency room with a sprained ankle after getting pushed down the stairs of my middle school, I started lying to my parents about getting picked on and drew into myself for years. I started saying, “the scratch is from playing soccer, mom,” because otherwise she would cry and I would feel guilty for being so effeminate. I started thinking just make it to high school, make it to high school.

Then in high school I was thinking just make it to college becaue I learned that high school wasn’t any better. I was in love with straight boys and my mom was saying she wanted to kill herself because her son is gay and “it hurts to see a son get beat up by the whole world, just like it was in middle school,” and “can’t you just become a priest?” and she cried because for two years she had thought my problems had gotten better. In college I thought, I’ll have a boyfriend and be in love, because I assumed for some reason that being in love is easier or more satisfying than not being in love, a state I now yearn for. I was totally utterly guarded from the whole world and wished nothing more than to let one person under that shell. Now I know the catch-22 of finding a person to trust, which feels good, but also scares the shit out of you because you know that trusting a lot means it hurts exactly that much more when they get sketchy and drop you.

Now I’m thinking just graduate from college, things will be better then, you’ll have a career and a partner and all of this doubt will be answered.

Does it ever end? Can anyone who’s 40 tell me “yes, it gets easier and you find happiness.” Because my parents still fight and my mom still cries about something every day, my grandmother is going through chemotherapy and at 60 years old she lost a son, which she still gets upset about now at 67, and the terrorists could strike at any minute and we are mourning thousands of men my age who are marching off into a black hole called Iraq to die and the President wants to make my love illegal and everybody seems to be pounding their fists into the Earth waiting desperately for next year. So do people say “yes, it gets better,” or do they say “no, that’s what life is, which is why everyone invented all these religions to hope for something better afterword.” Ironically, as a homosexual recovering Catholic I can honestly say it is religion that has given me more angst than everything else in life combined, so maybe I can find some refuge in Buddhism or some shit like that.

No, I’m not finished, I’m writing another one right after this.

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4 Comments »

  1. I wish you were in a better mood, but your writing is fabulous right now, if that is any consolation? No it isn’t but I dunno what to say…

    Comment by forsberg21 — January 24, 2006 @ 8:34 am | Reply

  2. oh, i read the second ‘i hate’ entry before this one. i didn’t realize from the second post that you are indeed effeminite yourself. god, i bet you are insanely beautiful in person. i always fall for faggy boys.

    i am 22 but started college early and have been done for about 3 years. it gets better by leaps and bounds. truly.

    of all things who cares that ‘the president’ wants to make ‘your love’ illegal, it’s a giant social tide that he has little to do with personally, the tide will turn in time, but in the meantime i would prefer quite strongly to be among the devilish, the one parents don’t want their kids to meet. it is sexiest to be a punk, if you ask me.

    life is always difficult, that doesn’t change, but it always gets better too, that doesn’t change either.

    love, math+

    Comment by theyare45 — January 24, 2006 @ 3:52 pm | Reply

    • I’m not really. I was when I was a kid, dodging from soccer balls and all that. I’m more effeminate than most straight guys but less effeminate than most gay guys.

      Comment by ononehand — January 24, 2006 @ 5:22 pm | Reply

  3. you need to get the fuck out of colorado and come to new york/new jersey

    it’s a bit easier to be yourself around here…most of us in this area are gay friendly…like me

    Comment by jennafern — January 25, 2006 @ 12:17 am | Reply


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