On One Hand

March 14, 2006

Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 3:59 pm

I am so angry right now. I have never been this angry. My body is turning into something other than flesh. Rage is creeping up through every thought and every conversation. A hardness is inching its way up my neck, down my arms, down my legs, hollowing out my chest with every breath. I have not let it out yet, but soon I will snap. Stone fragments will shower everyone I know in clouds of dust when I explode.

I am the exact opposite of everything I ever was. Everyone I talk to is out to get me. No one can be trusted. The more I love someone the more angry I become that this person will inevitably reject me, betray me, betray everything. I must not love. I must look out for myself because now I realize that nobody else ever does it for you.

Yes, I have to rely on myself now. I am disgusted by human beings and by myself for being one of them. Humanity is a waste, to be used the way it uses itself – for profit. I will gain what I can and be prepared for any attack.

I’m not afraid that in casting out the guilty I will cast out the innocent. I do not beleive that there are any innocent.

I wish that you will save me and hope that you will save me but I know that you will not save me. I am in denial of the fact that you will not save me. One day you too will become abhorrent (though today I kiss your cheek as if you are harmless to me – look, your flight, your self-absorbed singing) – you already have.

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8 Comments »

  1. what’s going on?

    Comment by randomcha — March 15, 2006 @ 1:26 am | Reply

    • The gradual realization, through a series of seemingly unrelated but similar dissilusionary events, that the good-always-conquers-evil and all-people-are-fundementally-good lessons of my childhood are not true. That giving your all to someone doesn’t mean you get it in return and being good does not mean that people will always be good to you.

      One person after another ends up betraying me somehow, and I can’t beleive it. I find a new person and have so much hope, and then disappointment, disappointment. People are so hungry for a shinier opportunity that they forget their previous comittments, or if they don’t forget them, knowingly leave them in the dust.

      I was so in love with my ex boyfriend after three months dating and I find that no matter how much force of will I put into it, I don’t love Clay as much, not because of what he did, but because of what my ex boyfriend did. Although Clay doesn’t help, as will be explained farther down.

      I was supposed to move in with someone who just gave my room to someone else without telling me. I found out through some friends unrelated to the situation when for two days the girl I was supposed to live with didn’t answer the phone. I called some common friends to see if they knew anything, and they said their friend was moving into an apartment that they did not realize was supposed to be my own. Now I have no one to live with next year. Boy, I feel so fucking popular.

      Also, I am dating someone who is going to Mexico for spring break and he is constantly talking about how excited he is about it, wheras I am not allowed to come to Mexico and will stay here doing nothing that week. Oh, and he’s looking for people to go with him to pay for gas, but evidently he is not looking for me to go with him. There is often tension between us to begin with, related to him not liking my friends and also to us not spending enough time together, and this additional thing is just no good. I told him he’s not allowed to talk about Mexico around me and he still does sometimes.

      And I’m doing bad in school, especially the Campus Press, which marked me 30 points down on the best article I’ve ever written because when I called the editor to ask for an extension on a draft, I guess I called the wrong editor and left the message with him instead of the right editor. The editor I called, who has more authority, decided to tell my story’s proper editor, who is really nice and didn’t want to mark me down, that I needed to lose at least 30 points (out of 100) for the article. I think it’s ridiculous that we’re sophomores and juniors being graded by other sophomores and juniors in a University class. I can’t help but be late on everything because I work 20 hours a week, jesus, I wish these rich kids realized that some of us have to work more than they do. They don’t have to get jobs because they get paid to be editors, while reporters doing just as much work plus getting slapped around get paid nothing.

      And hate my job, customers always bitching at me, and I am known as the lazy guy at work, because I am always doing homework there, which is not allowed but I do it anyway because I take the night shift and managers aren’t there.

      On the upside, I might get published, I don’t know… it all depends, depends.

      Comment by ononehand — March 15, 2006 @ 5:34 am | Reply

  2. Despite my lack of knowledge regarding your life… I will say, that last paragraph is fucking spot on, and I honestly and humbly understand where you’re coming from — I’ve felt the same way as of late.
    regards.well wishes. and regards.

    Comment by trecko — March 15, 2006 @ 1:44 am | Reply

  3. Sorry…

    Dude, that sucks. I’ve been screwed over pretty badly in the past, but it’s been a while. I know it can really suck. If there’s anything I can do to help, message me or something.

    Maybe try medidating or listening to some really chill music. Or go the other direction and listen to some heavy metal and scream along with it at the top of your lungs. Whatever works for you.

    Comment by the13monks — March 15, 2006 @ 7:48 am | Reply

  4. *hugs* feel better

    what are you doing for st. patty’s day?

    Comment by hurley_chik — March 15, 2006 @ 6:09 pm | Reply

    • homework.

      lol no just kidding. I don’t know.

      Comment by ononehand — March 15, 2006 @ 9:05 pm | Reply

  5. i feel exactly like that lately, and its funny, because im not normally an angry person..IM me sometime if you’d like,my sn is halfxbakedd, original eh? hah well hope to speak to you sometime soon
    “with or without someone you’re still going to have yourself and in the end that’s really all we’ll ever have…or better what is always promised”
    =\

    Comment by Anonymous — March 17, 2006 @ 1:44 am | Reply

  6. The origin of all suffering is attachment. We either desire something or we fear losing something. It is this desire or fear that holds us captive to the material.

    Only when we truely realize and accept the temporary in everything, can we fully appreciate things for their true essence in that moment.

    Even when we doubt ourselves, love reamins. Though we may forget or neglect it, love is the energy that is always there, guiding us through both clarity and confusion. We just need to listen.

    Comment by Anonymous — March 18, 2006 @ 8:34 am | Reply


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