On One Hand

April 27, 2006

Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 12:13 pm

I’m so angry right now, and I don’t know what I’m angry at. I thought I was angry at Clay but he’s been nice (or at least I’ve gotten used to everything I would be angry about). Clay was sweet to me this morning, trying to make sure I’m eating, and I knew I wasn’t angry at him. But I’m still angry. Maybe I just find it pathetic that Clay tells me I should eat and says he cares but wouldn’t put anything into it beyond that. But that’s unreasonable. He shouldn’t have to worry about me like that.

I’m not even sure why I’m not eating. I mean I know, one one hand, (duh) that it’s because I ran out of money. That’s obvious. But I’m just so angry and I want to punish myself for doing so many things wrong, for turning in applications left and right and getting shut down on all of them, for having so much shit to do and knowing I can’t do it all, for not being more successful even though I’m dating someone who is very successful and I want him to respect my work, and for all the people who are angry with me because I’ve been confrontational lately. Maybe I’m angry at other people but I won’t let myself express it so I turn it in toward myself. I’m angry at religious fuckbags by making life so difficult, and I might be angry at God for not giving me any signs that the religious fuckbags are wrong. All I know is spend a lot of time not wanting to eat, even when I’m hungry, and when I do get the inspiration to get food I turn around and leave after extremely little provocation, such as the fast food line being too long, and end up not eating. And the hungrier I get the more I want to keep going hungry.

But I’m not tired. My body is full of energy, as if I’m extremely buzzed on something. Like my jaw is extremely tight and I can’t stop clenching my teeth or locking my jaw back. I probably look like I’m on cocaine. My jaw is so sore from holding it weird. Even though I’m so tired my mind is in this half-dreamlike state, I have no desire to sleep.

I feel so self-destructive right now, like my life is out of control and my feelings are out of control and the only thing I can do is turn it inward and destroy myself. Yesterday Clay and I were supposed to hang out, but when I met up with him at 7 he had to email some people, so I sat and waited in the computer lab while he did that, then he had to do something with a friend in the theatre building, so I sat with him and waited downstairs while he did that, then we walked to his place and he walked too fast and started acting funny so I left him and walked a different way, and I wanted to cry, then when I got to Clay’s place Clay talked on the phone for fifteen minutes, then got off the phone and talked to his roommate for a couple hours, then after I went to bed at midnight (I had an exam in the morning) he stayed up talking a while longer. I never said a word about how frustrated I was getting, but there were many times I was tempted to just walk away and go home. I wrote Clay a very long text message saying: “Not to be a bitch or anything, but if I’d known when I met up at you at 7 with plans to hang out that 5 very patient hours later I’d still be waiting and only have to go to bed, I would not have called you.” Then I saved the message as a draft and never sent it. Because I wasn’t pissed off at Clay, I was pissed off at myself, so I wanted to punish myself by suffering and not saying anything. I still felt better waiting for Clay than I would have felt alone, so it’s not fair for me to criticize him. Besides, he gave me a backrub and that helped me feel better at the time.

So I don’t know who/what I’m pissed off at, but I have so much shit to do and won’t have time to do it, and I could kill for a cigarette or a drink or even some food. But I have class, and I can’t miss class this close to finals.

I feel better than I do when I’m depressed. There are these moments when I’m utterly euphoric. But mostly I’m just very tense and anxious.

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3 Comments »

  1. Matt,

    Let me buy you groceries.

    Comment by fb_shs — April 27, 2006 @ 10:05 pm | Reply

    • lol it’s fine. I have access to food if I need it, somehow it just falls in my lap. In fact, people have been feeding me all day. It just works out that way, call it karma.

      Comment by ononehand — April 27, 2006 @ 10:35 pm | Reply

  2. You deserve more credit than you give yourself. You’re amazing and it’s just a matter of time before someone sees it again, yourself included. Take care of yourself, because if I could, I would be there.

    Comment by zendocrescendo — April 28, 2006 @ 3:58 am | Reply


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