On One Hand

May 31, 2006

What I Have Learned

Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 7:27 pm

Love is not generated by getting good things from another person, it’s generated by giving them. When you give love, you find love within yourself. You can give someone love even if it doesn’t get through, so you cannot always assume that someone who doesn’t show love doesn’t love you. But you will not find love when you’re only receiving it, not giving back. You often find regret when you do that, but never love.

If someone isn’t treating you the way you think you deserve to be treated, he or she will not change as long as the relationship lasts. Nothing you do will change the other person. Do not try to come up with a way to blame yourself as an excuse to stay in the situation. If you allow someone to treat you badly, you will only find yourself in a state of need, and then your place in the relationship will be defined by that need. Your partner will feel suffocated by your need, and if he or she leaves, you will be remembered by your need. Asserting yourself early on, being willing to walk away, re-defines you as a person who is in the state of empowerment, and puts the pressure on the other person to change. You will be remembered as a person who was empowered, and if the other person overcomes his or her problems, he or she will be more likely to want to return.

No matter how fully you have overcome your past problems, blaming yourself for another person’s problems will cause you to digress into things you thought you were beyond. Do not allow yourself to be lectured or taught in relationships unless that is a mutual experience.

“I don’t know why I do that” is not an excuse for anything.

If you know you are strong enough to love fully, do not allow your integrity to be compromised. Stick to your values and demand respect. If you are not strong enough to love fully, do not try to be in a relationship. Your sense of values and respect will be skewed to meet your own needs if you do not love fully.



  1. kudos! awesome entry

    Very true words. A person who encompasses all of the characteristics that you’ve described, is capable of inspiring change in others. Moreover, when you allow your personal boundaries to be blurred and are unable to distiguish bewteen what you will stand for, and what you will not, not only are you susceptible to being treated poorly… but you also run the risk of trying to force change in others because your needs are stemming from a place of insecurity and desperation. And… since changing for anybody other than yourself is an exercise in resentment and futility, even if you think you’ve won, you haven’t.

    Lack of strength in personal convictions coupled with loving selfishly (as opposed to selflessly) is a dangerous thing, indeed.

    Sorry if this super duper long comment makes no sense… I am so exhausted and my brain is not currently operating at full capacity. But this entry made me think, and I wanted to let you know.

    Comment by nokturnelle — June 1, 2006 @ 3:47 am | Reply

  2. I’m going to be in Boulder next week; what is there to do?

    Comment by psycho_active — June 1, 2006 @ 5:36 am | Reply

    • I dunno; are you outdoorsy? Clubby? A coffee-shop person? It all depends on what you do.

      Comment by ononehand — June 1, 2006 @ 8:28 pm | Reply

      • All of the above, although I’ve never clubbed before. I’m trying to find a rave to go to though. I mostly frequent coffee shops but enjoy hiking just as much

        Comment by psycho_active — June 2, 2006 @ 1:59 am

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