On One Hand

June 7, 2006


Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 5:27 pm

The psych. said it’s better to feel what you want to feel rather than try not to think about it. I was assuming that missing Clay increased my attachement to him but I guess it works the other way around – suppressing the emotions prolongs the pain. It’s good to miss when I miss. So I feel what I feel. It’s different.

I feel an incredible sense of loss of someone I thought was truly amazing and worthwhile. I feel a sense of loss that I met somebody amazing but at the wrong place at the wrong time when the relationship was essentially doomed because of what was going on in Clay’s world. I feel betrayed because there were so many times I thought the risk was too high and wanted to walk away, but Clay told me to “just trust him” and not leave yet, and I stuck around as my attachment increased and then Clay decided, on his own time, that it didn’t work for him, at the worst possible time for me. I feel amazing love for Clay and sympathy for what he’s going through, and an incredible desire to help. I feel frustration at the fact that I know I am an incredible lover but it isn’t enough. I feel doubt that Clay really loved me. I feel desire to be close to him again. I feel desire to find someone else to be close to, now knowing I have everything it takes. I feel frustration that there aren’t that many intelligent, creative boys in Boulder I’d be attracted to; I’ve essentially seen what there is to see here. I feel self-betrayed that I was so physically intimate with Clay because I hoped the relationship would go somewhere else, and I realize I strayed from previous resolutions about how to not get hurt.

But the psychologist also said that emotions involving the past and the future; essentially, thoughts involving anger and hope, are distractions because they prevent me from being in the present, and deal with the unknown or unchangeable. They involve what someone else thinks or feels and I have no control over that reality.

That leaves me with desire: desire to continue to be there for Clay even though it is likely to be fruitless for me as far as finding love. That leaves me with loss: the loss of one some of the most enjoyable moments of my life, when things were good. That leaves me with compassion, and self-appreciation for the fact that I know I’m worthy of a successful relationship.


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