On One Hand

July 16, 2006

The Spider

Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 8:28 am

You have not released me from your net. And all the things I want to say are collecting in my throat. You didn’t – you wouldn’t – you should have – and all of the transgressions inhibit my breath. I am filled with venomn – yours – and want it gone.

Those who have fallen so deeply in love know – all that light in your body pricks your eyes and makes you blind. And when that person turns away you stumble for a while. You are filled with anger. Not anger for the turning away, but instead anger for all the things you put up with because you thought your suffering love would be rewarded, and then it didn’t happen.

You, meaning I, can say “I learned something.” Learned to doubt, to withold, to conceal, and so many other things life is better without. It’s fruitless to reflect. I don’t really know what I hoped for, or what I should have hoped for. I feel betrayed, horribly betrayed, and I feel like I haven’t been able to speak my peace. I’ve spoken, so much, and you know all my words, but they aren’t enough to describe it. I am so much more than words. Loving a vaccuum. Nature abhorrs it and tries to fill it with love so recruited me, and next time I hope nature tries to recruit somebody else.

I am told that I seek out partners with emotional problems because I am a “caregiver.” This comes from a professional, whatever that means, who says I am drawn to lost souls, who conceal their emotions, who are more likely to mistreat me. I think I can heal them but they don’t have the insight to know how to let me help them heal. I have to accept some responsibility for everything that happened.

We are incompatable because, no matter how much you want to, you don’t know how to love and you won’t let someone teach you. You desire it but not as much as you desire other things that contradict love, and you will not admit that they contradict. What is my evidence for this? My evidence is that after eight months this is the best I can say because after eight months I really don’t know you that well.

(And ten days from now will be exactly one year since we met.)

You went through a tough time. And I tried to help, but I didn’t, I don’t, know what you want. Because you don’t either. And what can I do? Let you tell me what you need – that’s it – that’s all I ever wanted – and you won’t, becase you don’t do that, you never did. And you are filled with fear so do not ask for things, and do not let people give you what you need. And now that we are where we are I’m probably too angry to stop the bitterness from showing through if I don’t keep my distance. This is not a time for bitterness.

You are aloof. I hope you find someone who can put up with that. You will move on much quicker than I, because, though you always accused me of being the one who feared lonliness, you fear it much more. I’m sorry that even when you have someone with you, you still feel so alone.

It’s time to set aside my anger. Because I beleive we are here to love and through love we become strong. I’m not that strong. But we are all parts of God and may God love you always. That’s what I can say. I love you by proxy of God.

May God love you. Always.
May God hold you. Always.
May God protect you. Always.
May God guide you. Always.

Always.

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