On One Hand

September 29, 2006

Shameless Self-Promotion

Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 11:14 am

Marijuana found in councilman’s vehicle
read story…


This and more from:


Check it out, guys. The Campus Press finally good enough for me to mention here; we’ve got breaking news – updated in real time – from the only not-for-profit, independent news source in Boulder.

September 22, 2006

Protected: Need sources IN BOULDER

Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 2:37 pm

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:


Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 1:07 pm

I love this time of year so much! It starts always on exactly September 21 or 22, and I can feel this energy suddenly shooting through the air like sparks, stark contrast to the ho-hum day before and absolutely euphoric. It’s the most romantic time of year and it’s when I am most myself. I see visions of lovers standing in swirling leaves and books with faded pages and feel urges to write poetry by candlelight at night with the window open. I want to do everything in twos and threes and life is extremely intimate. Memories spring themselves upon me and I think fondly of times I didn’t appreciate in their midst. I dream vividly and I take long walks alone to think. I love the morning sunshine, the cool afternoons, the cloudy evenings, the earthy colors, the drizzly rain, and most of all the smell of the air, crisp and fresh, with an overpowering sweetness rising throuought in the blend of cracking foliage and dry grass.

I just have the feeling of being in love all the time, this time of year. It’s not with a specific person, and certainly doesn’t demand reciprocation. I just want to shout odes of adoration to every person I see and celebrate the love between other couples like it’s my own. I want to connect with everyone and share quiet moments baring my soul.

I am a summer person, and in June and July I enjoy the warm air, the abundance of life and grenery, the bright, white sunshine that pricks the eyes, and the power of thunder and rain in the afternoons when dark clouds loom ominously. But somehow it’s when all of that is dying in autumn that my mind is really liberated. Maybe I just like change, and while the spring in Colorado has summer heat punctuated by bouts of soggy snow, in a shaky transition that lasts for months – spring again, winter again, spring again, then the trees, naked while the earth was blooming, slowly begin to emerge at irregular intervals in a painfully groggy wakening to green, crippled by the occasional late frost to be forced to start over – it is in fall that the colors drastically change and the world, in a matter of weeks, even days, sheds itself of its exterior and appears entirely new, green to red, to yellow, to brown and gray and a mottled mix of earthy colors.

I was just thinking this summer how my tastes had changed – I was suddenly interested in masculine guys with short hair, who like sports and take off their shirts in the sun to reveal bulging muscles and a tan. I was into the sterotypical, straightline image from the American media, and was surprised at the change. But that’s not how it went when fall hit – and I suppose it goes this way every year – but I’m back to the quiet intellectual, brooding in class with his pencil in hand and gathering books in his arms on philosophy and culture. I look for poets, and if he’s not a poet I’ll make him into one in my mind. He’s humble and not connected to the extravagant gay culture, his slim body tucked modestly under layers of clothes; his sweaters and old jackets carry an expired, East-Coast feel. He doesn’t need a tan, only to think, with deep eyes and philosophical ambitions. I only connected with one person who fit that role, this time last year for a month or so, and in spite of the fact that we couldn’t get together (he had a boyfriend and I wasn’t interested in anything long-term), it was absolutely perfect.

September 21, 2006

Hillel offers Rosh Hashanah celebration

Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 12:00 am
Tags: ,


Published in The Campus Press

Hillel offers Rosh Hashanah celebration
Matt Pizzuti
Staff Reporter

Jewish students and community members at CU are preparing for Friday’s celebration of Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year.

The ancient holiday marks the beginning of the year 5767 on the Jewish calendar and is a celebration of transition and renewal, said Rabbi Adam Naftalin-Kelman, director of Hillel, the Jewish student group at CU.

Naftalin-Kelman said the holiday has both religious and cultural aspects, and Hillel organizers hope to accommodate everyone.

“People can come to a meal and not services, but some come to services and not a meal,” he said.

In the UMC last Wednesday, he offered apples and honey to entice students to a table where they could get information about Rosh Hashanah.

“There’s a tradition of having things that are round,” Naftalin-Kelman explained, saying that pomegranates, round bread, apples and honey are common items associated with the holiday. He said people will also wear new clothes to reflect the transition to a new year.

Junior psychology major Inbar Hanouna said Rosh Hashanah is a family-oriented holiday where people come together to celebrate.

“It’s really a time to look forward to,” Hanouna said.

Many students whose familes are out of state can’t get home on the holiday and instead celebrate with friends or at the campus events hosted by Hillel, said Jaclyn Gottlieb, a sophomore French major who said she’ll be one of the out-of-state students in attendance.

Hanouna said some Colorado families of girls in her sorority, the Jewish-interest sorority Sigma Rho Lambda, are opening up their homes to any Jewish girl from out of state who wants to celebrate the holiday in a family setting.

Hanouna said she will be with her own family in Denver.

Services hosted by Hillel begin on Friday and will be held at 6:30 p.m. at Old Main. A dinner will follow at 7:30 p.m. at the Hillel house on Colorado Avenue. More services and events continue throughout the weekend.

September 20, 2006


Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 1:10 am

I just got an incredibly long apology letter from my ex, by email. It’s exactly what I was looking for from him but never in a million years expected to get. Never. I’m not sure if it was completely from his heart or instead sparked by some signal from a friend, a clue I left to linger online, or the tone of my eyes when I’ve crossed his path – before I would put on the sunglasses and hide myself to focus on other things. (My eyes are treacherous; I can never hide anything I feel because they always let it show.)

I made this resolution to assume people mean what they say and to not read into it. In accordance with that I won’t read into the email this time either. Clay said what he meant, I guess.

The letter is delicately stylized like a memoir, full of hyperbolized language of love and regret, asides for philosophizing, background explanations, powerful confessions and plattitudinal condolences. Clay goes into detail about the death of his mother and what he was thinking at the time that I was saying I loved him so much and he had his eye on something more distant. In spite of our awkward discconnects, rude arguments and blunt punctuations in discourse when speaking face to face, written conversations between Clay and have always been incredibly fucking gushy.

When Clay and I were together it was I who instigated the prosey communication between us, so thick with emotional exaggeration it could drown Romeo and Juliet in sappyness. I was focused on one thing – making it work – and as I abandoned all other things in my life to find hope in I sank into a you-or-nothing depression that left me leaning on a language pathetically weighted with dramatic devotion.

I have changed a lot since we ended. I’m relaxed now, observational. I’m cool, rational, mature. I’m light and sarcastic. I’m anything but the wretched mess I was.

And here in front of me is this thing I needed all this time: the apology that would change everything. I don’t hold grudges, I’ve told myself that many times. I just demand recognition of the fault, I rationalize, and if said recognition happens I can forgive and say the whole thing never happened.

On some level the past has finally decended beneath the surface, no longer the pieces of my consciousness but rather the marks of the subliminal: I no longer feel any need to talk about Clay or how upset I was about things between us, though I still think I’m changed by going through that. Is there a transition of tone between us? No; Clay was always doing things and apologizing for them, even when he did them again and again, and like I said, we’ve always been gushy. But there is a transition of tone in me, I guess, because I think I got over all the pain for good, sometime between reading the apology email and now.

In my feelings toward Clay, specifically, nothing deep inside me moved when I read the message. There was no revolution of thought or feeling. The direction of the wind can reverse in an instant but the deep currents of the ocean will take weeks, months to chance course in response.

But I think, at the same time, I am liberated from the bonds of begrudgment by the apology. I feel lighter, as if my mind can now look to other things, and to the future. I am no longer waiting for something more; nothing can be said or done that hasn’t been said or done already. There may still be scars, but they’ve gotten all the treatment they can get.

There are still some things I miss about Clay. I’ve only recently gotten to the point where I could remember them fondly without pangs. I’ve enjoyed being single, too, though, much more than I’ve ever enjoyed any relationship. I love building myself and seeing myself rise to new levels. I love working out and having a body for once. I love getting attention from attractive people. I love looking at each guy’s face with potential – saying, we could fall in love someday – even if I neither pursue nor desire such a thing. I love being able to connect with people as myself without baggage, to not obsessively stress about my shitty boyfriend or and have my pain show no matter how hard I want to hide it. I am finally ready, after such a long time, to be patient and single until I find the right person even if it takes years and years.

Clay and I were always trying to connect and just never made contact. We floated through space like sattelites, influencing the others’ course but lacking the gravity to actually pull the other in. Maybe we’re all like that. He was never what I wanted him to be – I can admit that now, and I don’t have to feel scorned or rejected for us not working. We had entirely different desires – mine of intensity and connection and his of individuality and recognition. Defining life in twos is extremely difficult. It’s hard enough for me to allign my own parts, without minding the accomodations of another person.

But I hope to make meaning of all this. Ours is a great story – at least in the postmodern, depressing sense that celebrates disconnects – and I think it’s better if we don’t ultimately hate each other for what we did. I would be naiive to think the barriers between us were only circumstantial and that he and I will find what we want in each other – and the problem with us being friends is, I guess, that it’s hard to keep seeing some things I really wanted lost by being intertwined with things I can’t accept.

OK – Fuck it – I don’t even know what I want so its stupid to say whether anyone was or wasn’t that indefinable thing I went after. Who knows, he could still be the perfect guy for me, or he could be the worst guy in the world and the Universe will keep us apart, holding me over to meet the right one, the guy I alwas dreamed of at 16, and we’ll first cross paths someday in a coffee shop in New York City like in all the old fantasies and I’ll know who he is the moment our eyes meet.

I certainly don’t dream of that anymore. I’m always changing and that’s going to continue to happen. The main thing I note is that, amazingly, and I knew it would happen but never really beleived it: the things that were once so important to me no longer are. Losing Clay is no longer a defining moment. Recovering is no longer important. I was once caught in the current but now I’m on shore and the river just flows past me like it isn’t there. So now that my own loose ends are tied I am left with the obligation of a response. What do I say to the email; Thank you? I’m sorry too? I agree? I disagree? I miss you? I don’t miss you? I just want to forget? I love you? I’m past you? I want to be friends?

I still can’t answer. I don’t want to be rude but anything I say would be a lie on some level. All I can say honestly at this point are the things that only have to do with me: I’m a better person now, like this, than I was then, I’m happy and feel productive, and I don’t feel like I hate anybody. I’ll thank Clay for the email. He is a sweet guy, really. I never meant to be so down on him, because he was always so nice to everyone except me, and although I can’t say the way he acted was out of his control, I know part of him always knew better and was filled with regret.

There’s something in him that sparked, like electricity muted at the bottom of a muddy lake, and he never let me touch it. As much as I muddied my own with him I couldn’t make his water clear. Now rather than resenting that, I can appreciate it for what it is. He’s a good guy, and talented. Best of luck.

September 18, 2006

Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 11:00 pm

September 17, 2006

Mice and Men

Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 9:07 pm

Today I woke from a nap to hear a faint crinkling of papers with the telltale signiture of a small animal rustling around. I sat up expecting to find a mouse, and instead found the dog sinffing at a stack of old exams.

But later in the day I did spot a mouse in my bedroom, an unexpectedly brazen one that didn’t flee or flinch until I got remarkably close. It nibbled at a cracker with some peanut butter left over from a midnight snack the night before. I thought I could catch the mouse by the tail but it moved away just in time, returned 3 minutes later and moved away just in time again.

Having a mouse in my room doesn’t bother me; it’s probably a recent arrival as the weather begins to cool outside and the warm house is appealing, and as long as I don’t wake up with it sitting on my face I don’t care. We have a mouse trap in the home but I don’t kill things so I won’t use it. Instead I’ll just keep the room a little cleaner and the mouse will probably move on to a more available market.

I had worries of waking up to the feeling of mouse feet running across my body, but realized how little such a thing would actually bother me. I once woke up with a full-grown praying mantis on my face, 11 years old and raising them at the time; the one I was taking care of apparently escaped from its cage in the corner of the room. Praying mantises, especially fat pregnant ones, like to hang upside-down to keep their heavy bodies from dragging on the ground, so will always climb in an upward direction until they find something with a suitable overhang. In this case the highest thing in vicinity was my bed and, at its pinnacle, my face, and I awakened to find the large insect clawing at my eyelids with its dainty feet. It didn’t bother me at the time and it wouldn’t bother me now. Bears, sharks, and bison might be forces to reckon with, and I’ve worried about them neurotically when venturing into their respective environments. I’m not some Timothy Treadwell or Steve Irwin, biding my time with dangerous animals that will only get me in the end. But little things that can’t actually hurt me; spiders, snakes, bees, tarantulas, insects, dogs and rodents, have never bothered me a bit.

September 14, 2006

Cancer and Abandonment

Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 4:25 pm

I know a really cool Christian minister who used to hang out around the CU campus untill she moved to Phoenix a few months ago. Tamara was actually a leader of a Progressive Christian and Unitarian Universalist student group I attend, and I got to know and respect her very well before she left.

My dad had a friend from his work who was recently diagnosed with cancer, and he brought her up often, with concern, which is rare for my dad. He usually doesn’t talk much about heavy issues – he usually keeps emotional topics to himself – but one of the things he mentioned was that his friend Louise knew and talked about the same minister I knew. He asked me to get in touch with Tamara to let her know that a congregant of her old church was sick, because Louise had a lot of respect and admiration for Tamara. My dad said Tamara would know if it’s appropriate to give Louise a call and could at least say a prayer or two if nothing else.

A week ago my dad said his friend Louise had “not more than a couple of months” left. He once talked about her getting better, saying if she ate more or took better care of herself she could pull out of it. Meanwhile the cancer was spreading through her lymph nodes, and eventually, in the teltale stamp of the end, it spread to her lungs. I thought giving Tamara a phone call could be a great way I could connect people and help someone who is in a lot of need, so I put it in the back of my mind as something I should find some time for over the next few weeks.

Sometimes when people are dying and you say they have months to live, they just hang on and hang on, and years later you’re still saying it will be “a couple months.” They’re like a living ghost that seems to linger in the corner of the room, fading slowly with diminishing strength and consciousness.

Not this time. Louise tricked everyone because right until the end she kept going to work, despite the protest of concerned coworkers who urged her to stay at home as she shriviled into a skeletal form, always dragging an oxygen tank behind her.

My dad just told me that his friend Louise died yesterday. On calling Tamara I procrastinated a week, a fucking week, and now I feel like shit because it’s too late to do anything. Death is the hardest transition people go through and I beleive wholeheartedly that neglecting the dying is just about the worst thing a person can do to another. I’ve never met this person and have no idea what she’s like, but while she was sick I was really concerned for her and found myself thinking about her often. She seemed like a really good person. The situation helped me see some good in myself, because I hoped the best for her even though it was of no benefit to me to do so. I question my own motives and mind a lot, and this time I felt like I had no reason to.

I heard in a series of programs about cancer on NPR that having loving family and friends around you when you’re sick is the best way to improve your chances of survival, and if surivival is impossible, the pain and suffering is cut, according to the program, “in half” if you don’t feel lonely. They said it’s because cancer is a disease, not of an organ, but of the whole body – especially the immune system – and feeling abandoned or fearful shocks the body to a point where it can no longer fight the disease. In fact, a doctor on the program said a person diagnosed with cancer who has close friends or support is twice as likely to survive. It seems like everyone I personally know who ever got cancer got it straight out of a divorce or really tough time, and it makes me beleive more than anything that people need each other, and have a moral duty to be there for loved ones more than anything else.

I fucked this one up, but I hope when it’s someone close to me – like a parent, grandparent or friend – I’ll be able to step up and give that person one hundred percent of myself. It’s the least I can do.

Facebook Changes its Image

Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 12:00 am

Written for The Campus Press, unpublished

Facebook Changes its Image
Matt Pizzuti
Staff Writer

Facebook.com’s new “News Feed” feature became a major conversation topic across campus last week when on Tuesday the website began notifying students logging on to their profiles of whatever their friends have done on facebook recently. But on Friday facebook responded with an apology and offered new privacy settings that make some of the News Feed features optional.

“The day it came out, more than half of the conversations that took place started with ‘did you see the new facebook?’” said Nick Stockwell, a sophomore theatre major.

The News Feed broadcast information such as friends’ new pictures, profile changes, and updates in relationship status, including breakups.

Stockwell said the news feed also told friends when someone left a group, which many would rather be able to do unnoticed. “A friend of mine was like, ‘dude, you left my group!’” Stockwell said. He continued, “it would show you what people write on other peoples’ walls. It was really eerie to me.”

Facebook offered a disclaimer the day the news feed started, Stockwell explained, but “the button to accept the new features just said ‘awesome!’ and it didn’t let you say no.”

Stockwell said that, though students talked about news feed jokingly, “it seemed like a genuine thing. People were really concerned.” Stockwell’s friends nicknamed facebook “stalkerbook,” he said.

On its first day in action, News Feed provoked facebookers to start and join the facebook group “Students against Facebook News Feed (Official Petition to Facebook).” The group had over 7 thousand members by 4 pm.

When facebookers joined the new group, their friends could read about it on their News Feeds, and group membership increased exponentially. By 4:15 that day another 1 thousand members had joined the group, and membership was in the hundreds of thousands a day later. On Friday the group had over 740 thousand members from across the world.

The news feed prompted such a response from facebook users that operators posted a response and apology on Friday. Titled “An Open Letter from Mark Zuckerberg,” the letter promised better privacy controls.

“’We really messed this one up’ was the perfect starting sentence if you want people to read and pay attention,” Stockwell said of the apology posted on Friday.

Stockwell said that students should like the news feed better now that privacy settings make some of its features optional, and he’s happy to ne notified when his friends add new pictures to their profiles. But the new feature prompted conversations among others about why facebook is even necessary to students who don’t want their information known.

“I think that society is becoming very impersonal,” said Nathan Cooper, a senior theatre performance major who doesn’t use facebook. “There’s no connection with people anymore. It’s all some kind of cyberspace connection.”

He said he’s proud to never have started a profile on facebook, admitting that a friend started one his name but explaining that he “doesn’t even know its password.”

Cooper went on to talk aboud his objections to the site, saying, “Human interaction is very important to becoming a real person. The things people write to each other on facebook are completely pointless.”

Junior psychology major Jamie Sohan said the news feed pointed out the absurdity of facebook.

“The new facebook shows how often people are on facebook because you pull it up and see exactly when they were on,” she said, saying sometimes the news feed would report friends being on several times a day. “Too many people facebook stalk.”

Sohan said she joined just to keep in touch with people from high school, and that she’s “not obsessive about it.”

Stockwell also said he uses facebook to keep in contact with friends who went to other colleges, because it’s quicker than email.

But Cooper didn’t see any such value in the massive connection network. He said he doesn’t want to be reached by people he doesn’t know, and criticized facebook’s exhibitionism.

“There’s all these titty pictures on facebook,” Cooper said. “It’s a dating service with titty pictures.”

September 13, 2006

CU Students Protest Genocide

Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 12:00 am
Tags: ,


Published in The Campus Press

CoPIRG Members Gather at UMC to Attract Attention to Darfur Conflict
Matt Pizzuti
Staff Writer

A group of protesters wearing black armbands and carrying colorful posters gathered on the south side of the UMC today to draw attention to the conflict in Darfur, Sudan.

One sign read, “How many deaths makes genocide?” and another said “1 life can be forgotten / how about 400,000?” in reference to the number of estimated deaths in Darfur, as reported by http://www.savedarfur.org.

Jen Poitras, an independent consultant with a group called International Rescue Committee, came to speak to the group, organized by the CU student group CoPIRG.

“If people aren’t outraged about what’s going on in Darfur right now, quite simply you aren’t paying attention,” Poitras said to the group gathered at the 2 p.m. protest.

Poitras called for the U.S. to take action and encourage the U.N. to send a peacekeeping force to the region.

“The conflict in Darfur is a genocide,” she said after finishing her presentation to the group. “It’s very complex and not easily depicted in a sound byte; the media tends to refer to it as an Arab-African issue, which is a gross oversimplification. It involves culture, resources and race.”

Poitras said she has worked in international aid for the last eight years and that Darfur is “by far the most disturbing and gross violation of human rights” that she has seen.

She said it was incredibly disturbing that there is such a lack of interest and response from the international community.

“How much worse does it have to get before the international community responds in a meaningful way?” Poitras asked.

Poitras also said she was disappointed that so few students, about 12, showed up to the protest, though she added she was pleased with the dedication of those who did appear.

Kristin Grabarek, organizer for the CoPIRG student chapter, said that protests at CU will continue to occur over the next few days.

Grabarek said students plan to gather on Norlin Quad around 9 p.m. on Thursday. They will wear colors on their hands indicating “how they died,” to reflect how people in Darfur are being killed.

The event is called the “Commit to Die Sleep-In at Norlin Quad,” but Grabarek said the group was later informed they aren’t allowed to sleep on the quad, so will instead gather “for several hours.”

Grabarek said the event is “in conjunction with a week of action around the country,” and she hopes the combined effort will pressure the president to act.

“Bush said ‘Not on my watch,'” Grabarek said in regard to the president’s stand against genocide. “We’re asking him to live up to his words.”

Next Page »

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.