On One Hand

September 22, 2006


Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 1:07 pm

I love this time of year so much! It starts always on exactly September 21 or 22, and I can feel this energy suddenly shooting through the air like sparks, stark contrast to the ho-hum day before and absolutely euphoric. It’s the most romantic time of year and it’s when I am most myself. I see visions of lovers standing in swirling leaves and books with faded pages and feel urges to write poetry by candlelight at night with the window open. I want to do everything in twos and threes and life is extremely intimate. Memories spring themselves upon me and I think fondly of times I didn’t appreciate in their midst. I dream vividly and I take long walks alone to think. I love the morning sunshine, the cool afternoons, the cloudy evenings, the earthy colors, the drizzly rain, and most of all the smell of the air, crisp and fresh, with an overpowering sweetness rising throuought in the blend of cracking foliage and dry grass.

I just have the feeling of being in love all the time, this time of year. It’s not with a specific person, and certainly doesn’t demand reciprocation. I just want to shout odes of adoration to every person I see and celebrate the love between other couples like it’s my own. I want to connect with everyone and share quiet moments baring my soul.

I am a summer person, and in June and July I enjoy the warm air, the abundance of life and grenery, the bright, white sunshine that pricks the eyes, and the power of thunder and rain in the afternoons when dark clouds loom ominously. But somehow it’s when all of that is dying in autumn that my mind is really liberated. Maybe I just like change, and while the spring in Colorado has summer heat punctuated by bouts of soggy snow, in a shaky transition that lasts for months – spring again, winter again, spring again, then the trees, naked while the earth was blooming, slowly begin to emerge at irregular intervals in a painfully groggy wakening to green, crippled by the occasional late frost to be forced to start over – it is in fall that the colors drastically change and the world, in a matter of weeks, even days, sheds itself of its exterior and appears entirely new, green to red, to yellow, to brown and gray and a mottled mix of earthy colors.

I was just thinking this summer how my tastes had changed – I was suddenly interested in masculine guys with short hair, who like sports and take off their shirts in the sun to reveal bulging muscles and a tan. I was into the sterotypical, straightline image from the American media, and was surprised at the change. But that’s not how it went when fall hit – and I suppose it goes this way every year – but I’m back to the quiet intellectual, brooding in class with his pencil in hand and gathering books in his arms on philosophy and culture. I look for poets, and if he’s not a poet I’ll make him into one in my mind. He’s humble and not connected to the extravagant gay culture, his slim body tucked modestly under layers of clothes; his sweaters and old jackets carry an expired, East-Coast feel. He doesn’t need a tan, only to think, with deep eyes and philosophical ambitions. I only connected with one person who fit that role, this time last year for a month or so, and in spite of the fact that we couldn’t get together (he had a boyfriend and I wasn’t interested in anything long-term), it was absolutely perfect.



  1. Wonderful entry.

    Comment by randomcha — September 22, 2006 @ 8:19 pm | Reply

  2. I totally understand and empathize, both on the loving autumn and being in love with the world during the dying of the season. You put it more eloquently than I do, however.

    Comment by cobracabra — September 22, 2006 @ 9:07 pm | Reply

  3. I am in love with this time of year too. I think you hit the nail on the head with this. I too want to express my love to everyone too. I remember it was almost exactly this time last year that you and I first started hanging out. I miss our walks.

    – clay

    Comment by pruittc — October 4, 2006 @ 5:25 am | Reply

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