On One Hand

October 1, 2006

Kanine Massages

Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 10:39 pm

Dogs are not known for giving good massages. You offer one little invitation and they take it to inappropriate extremes. One might wonder how such a connection might even be made, but only bear with me as I will explain.

I was watching TV and started to doze off, slouching on the couch with a sore back. My roommate’s puppy wanted to play with me and started pawing my legs, which were also sore, and the dogs pawing felt good. The dog had a toy in her mouth and she jumped up to me to beat my chest with the stuffed animal, hoping to get me to tug on it or chase her. I was falling asleep, too tired to bother telling the dog to get down, and this went on for quite some time.

I got the bright idea of laying face down so the dog could paw my back, because my back was aching. Evidently lying on the ground in front of a dog is submissive behavior, which only gives young high-strung puppies bad ideas. Next I knew she had a front paw on either side of my shoulders and was trying to hump my ass, which was not cool. Not cool! “Happy endings” are best left to human hands. This one was unacceptable.


Speaking of happy endings, I live in a house with 3 other roommates, but my bedroom, which was once a garage, has its own door to the front yard. I keep the door unlocked when I go to sleep – just in case, you know? My roommate (a girl) likes the doors locked when she sleeps (girls are like that) because she thinks some strange man will try to come in and have sex with her at 2 in the morning. I say that’s exactly why I leave my own door open. I say that’s also why I give directions to my house to anyone who knows me (it’ Baseline and Broadway, guys). It actually worked once, although I was not asleep when he came in, and since then I have spent most nights lonely.



  1. I’ve never really thought of a hardware store like McGukins as a place to “hang out.” But I guess it’s got its own type of crowd…

    I don’t live ON the intersection, I’m a few blocks up.

    Comment by ononehand — October 2, 2006 @ 6:33 pm | Reply

  2. Berthoud isn’t “nearby.” It’s like 50 miles away.

    Comment by ononehand — October 9, 2006 @ 4:09 pm | Reply

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