On One Hand

December 11, 2006

Outcomes

Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 2:26 am

When you feel like you’re cose to God, your life is bliss. It’s funny because all you’re really doing is holding something in your mind, and it doesn’t feel like a thing that matters to think about; Either God is real and I’ll someday find out, or I won’t, so it’s not something I should be trying to figure out now. But when you sort of just go with it, not think but feel it, and keep a little God-awareness in the corner of your mind, you are happy. Oh, things in the world still go to shit – you’ll blow one of your finals, you’ll turn in your assigments late, you’ll piss someone off at work, like you always do. That’s what I’ve been going through lately. But I always have this sense that none of those things are really important, and I don’t feel attached to any outcome at all. If a bad thing can happen to you but it doesn’t make you feel bad, who cares if it happened? And if good things happen and you don’t appreciate them, they might as well not be there. I usually care a lot more about how productive I’m being, and would rather be miserable and successful than happy and still. I think most people are generally too attached to achievements; most people would choose them over happiness. Right now I’m in a good place, feeling calm and healthy, and I hope I can hold on to what I think I just came to realize.

I rarely get this way. Usually I’m either in a relationship, and the thing that makes me happy is a person, who inevitibly fails to make me happy, or I’m recovering from a relationship, and mourning the loss of happiness. Love and intimacy are awesome things but I get too attached to outcomes, which can only lead to heartache. I won’t be ready for true love until I can do it without being attached.

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2 Comments »

  1. maybe it’s about the process?

    Comment by foucaultonacid — December 11, 2006 @ 12:23 pm | Reply

  2. I lost you

    I saw that you are no longer on facebook. I got sad. I want to invite you to my final film screening on Thursday, December 21, 2006 at 7 PM in Humanities 1B50. I’d like you to be there if you can. If you can’t, I understand. I miss talking to you.

    Comment by pruittc — December 15, 2006 @ 8:30 am | Reply


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