On One Hand

January 22, 2007

Profile Dance

Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 3:13 am

I love when you message someone from an Online profile and he completely blows you off, and then you see him at a bar two weeks later, and – after a moment of wondering where you’ve seen this vaguely-familiar face – it connects, and it’s now clear that he isn’t that good looking after all. As in, his pictures were extremely misleading, and you can easily do way better. And, when I say I love it, I don’t mean I love it in the ironic, sarcatic way, like “I fucking love when you get the lawn mower form the shed and get stung by a swarm of bees.” In this case I actually love it, in the way a person might love ice cream or sex. When it happens I always feel smug.

I don’t normally think that way about people, celebrating unattractiveness, but when they were the first ones to rudely blow someone off I think they make themselves fair game for condescending thoughts. (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!)

Online profiles tend not to do me much good. I have no fear of rejection, so I usually initiate contact, and get a response to about 30% of my messages. The first response is the “first base” of Online social interaction. I’ve changed my profile photos and words around several times and gotten messages from brand new people by doing it, but the response rate always stays at about 30%, no matter what the content of my profile is. That is why I just changed my profile text to say this:

I’m with Dateline NBC doing a special on older men who meet up with young boys from the Internet for sex. I am also 13 years old. Want to come over? If you do, bring condoms so that we know for sure what your intentions are. And don’t be worried about the camera crew, they’re just there to take video of you. If you get here while someone else is on the way out, please wait for the cops to finish things up before you come in.

If you do get a response to a message, you normally go through 1-2 message exchanges before you know if he really wants to talk to you or is just responding to be polite, in which case he will simply drop the conversation and leave your question of “right on man, I like that band too. So what’s your major?” hanging forever. I wonder what the world would be like if people actually had the balls to say “I don’t really find you attractive and I am going to end this conversation now,” which I think, ultimately, would be worse than the ignore strategy. Imagine being at a bar and having someone say, “so yeah, man – you’re really not my type, but good luck with finding somebody.” Not that what actually happens is much better. My real-life scenario might go like this:

Me: “Woah, man, is it really you!? Holy shit! How have you been!?”

Him: “Uh, heh, do I know you?”

Me: “Actually, no, that was all just my strategy. Haha, just thought I’d give it a shot. But what’s up?”

Him: “Not much. Hmm. Hey, uh, I think I should go over there now. Great to meet you, though. bye.”

Nice. My own escapes are equally awkward, usually something like “well, I’m going to go find my friend now.” Sometimes I get rid of people by giving hints like “yeah, it’s a lame night, I’m not meeting anyone interesting at all. Are you?” or sometimes I’ll refer to myself as a hippie in enough ways that they decide it’s unattractive. (That would come across as, “haha yeah I haven’t showerd in weeks. I beleive in conserving water. I hope you conserve water. You do, conserve water, by not showering, right?”) Usually I’m only in such bad form when I’m really drunk, in which case a “hey you should try talking to that guy” before slipping away would not be uncommon.

I love when you see the awkward, incredibly creepy-looking guy gazing at you from across the room and you can’t help but glance over every 20 seconds to see if he’s actually still there, and no matter how hard you try to get away he’s still gradually moving toward you through the night, thinking that your occasional defensive crowd-scan to find him is flirtatious eye-contact. That’s happened to me several times, only for me to get a message the next day from a guy saying “yea you were staring at me at the club last night. I assume you want to get together sometime?”

Gay men are always pursuing the “next thing up” from what they’re used to, and I firmly beleive that if the whole gay scene were composed of identical twins, no one would have any sex at all because they’d all think everyone else is below their league.

Conclusion: People are just dumb and stupid, and I can’t imagine myself hooking up with any of them anyway because they’re lame. When someone does not return my advances it is not so much an insult as it is me dodging a bullet, like God is making that person reject me because God doesn’t want me to catch the disease said person has, such as HPV.



  1. For me, living in a city like Philadelphia presents similar problems.
    Most gay men use dating websites like the ultimate online shoping, and are especially empowered by the fact that it can be as “anonymous” as you’d like.
    Not long ago, my fiancée and I split up, and I drifted back online to see what was out there.
    I was kind of scared, repulsed, and turned on all at once.
    Now when my partner and I walk around, and I see someone I remember from online, I always have to laugh. I dont go to gay clubs at all, but I can confidently say how much funnier it is to be at whole foods, and knowing the guy who’s pinching the fruit has a picture of his big hairy ass on his profile. And that’s alot.
    As far as segueing out of uncomfortable conversations, I’d like to be more honest as well.
    Sometimes I’d just love to scream: “Okay, get the fuck out my face, bitch!”
    But no. I’m the jack ass who gets pinned into a corner at parties by those people who just have to explain why battlestar galactica is a credible scientific story.

    Comment by pickupthepeices — January 23, 2007 @ 7:44 am | Reply

  2. Oh, the gays. So, you’ve really never told anyone “you’re not my type but nice to meet you”? Perhaps I am in the minority there. I strongly dislike forced/false conversation, so I guess that explains it.

    A point of disagreement… I am not pursuing the “next thing up”. In fact, I’m out looking for the next thing down. I’m quite certain that if an ex sees me with the next person I actually connect with and end up dating…he won’t feel jealous or threatened. He might even get a good laugh out of it. And that’s awesome. What he won’t know is that this boy is about 20 points lower on the douche-ometer than he likely was (and probably still is.) Bring on the next thing down.

    Comment by someutopia — January 29, 2007 @ 6:42 am | Reply

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