On One Hand

February 24, 2007


Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 11:33 am

I invented this joke in 9th grade and used to tell everyone I knew, and I don’t think any of them ever got it.

A renowned zoologist crashed his small plane in the middle of the African rainforest. He was alone there, and after months of subsisting in the jungle he knew that no one was still looking for him. He had hurt his leg badly in the crash, so could only walk for short distances at a time – yet was miles away from civilization. Already in his early 50s, the zoologist decided he would likely never see the human world again.

The zoologist befriended a female chimpanzee, and to the zoologists amazement, the two of them were able to develop a language to communicate through. Over time the language became increasingly complex, and the zoologist taught the chimpanzee all about science.

Maybe it was that the lack of human contact, or jungle fever, or the hallucinogenic iboga leaves he accidentaly ate from time to time, but after years had passed in the jungle, the zoologist looked at the chipanzee – and she seemed different from the hairy animal he first saw her as. She was almost human, even. He realized how deeply he cared for her.

“Oh God,” he gasped in their special language as the chimpanzee gazed back at him, “I just realized I’m in love with you.”

The chimpanzee’s eyes went wide in a wave of emotion as her hairy lips curled, “Oh, I love you too! I’ve been in love with you for years now,” the chimpanzee confessed.

Night was near, and the zoologist thought eagerly of the time the two could cosummate their relationship. He told the chimpanzee he would marry her if he could.

“We can’t,” the chimpanzee suddenly said, and the unmistakable pain of longing arose in her glazed eyes.

“But – my love – whyever not?” the zoologist pleaded, surprised and earnest.

“Well,” the chimp explained, “humans and chimpanzees are cousins, right?”

“Exactly.” The zoologist raised his palms into the air pointedly.

“You know how it is with cousins;” the chimp went on. “If we got married – our kids would be freaks.”



  1. Ha! That is a great joke, especially for a 9th-grader, but even for a college-something-grader.

    Comment by callmeweirdbut — February 24, 2007 @ 7:18 pm | Reply

  2. you know what’s disturbing? this is relevant to a conversation I was having with friends today. I wish I had this one up my sleeve at the time…

    Comment by mylifeasamoose — February 25, 2007 @ 8:15 am | Reply

  3. i love it!

    Comment by swtfxofaddrm — February 25, 2007 @ 7:54 pm | Reply

  4. their iqs would go down the toilet…

    Comment by drysilhouette — February 27, 2007 @ 6:19 am | Reply

    • They’re the two most intelligent species on Earth! Their kids should be really, really smart.

      Comment by ononehand — February 28, 2007 @ 12:25 am | Reply

  5. You should make this into a story

    Comment by Anonymous — March 5, 2007 @ 11:45 pm | Reply

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