On One Hand

March 5, 2007


Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 7:33 pm

At five-feet-eleven-inches and 163 pounds, I am the king of the gym.

I need no to teacher, no role model, no standards – I am my own ruler of inclination. I am my own motivational coach and my own golden carrot dangling forever before me. I am powerful – nothing can stop me. It is six full years past the millenium, and I am twenty-one years old.

That’s what I said to myself, in the middle of this, last December, chugging gallons of protein shake and shot-glasses of olive oil to bump up my daily calories when they were too low.

Olive oil!?” my roommate asks, and wrinkles her nose. Hell yeah, I say, and sure, maybe it makes me gag when I drink it, but still; look how smooth my skin is.

“Ooooh!” my roommate says, feeling my arm. “That is smooth.”

Last May I weighed 132. I started lifting in June, eating 3,000 calories a day. Now, in March, I have come a long way – in nine months of working out, I gained 30 pounds. You can hardly see my ribs anymore! Take that, naysayers. That’s 30 pounds of rippling, bulging muscle, and nothing but rippling, bulging muscle. Conceited, you ask? Hell yeah, and I’ll say it again: rippling. I deserve to check myself out in the mirror the way that makes my roommates laugh at me.

“Do you know what you have to put your body through to gain 30 poinds in nine months?” I asked my mom when she said if I want to gain weight so bad I shouldn’t be a vegetarian. I asked her again, “when’s the last time you gained 30 pounds in 9 months?” My mom answered that the last time she gained 30 pounds in 9 months was in 1985, and that when she was done gaining it she went so far as to have “lost it all in just one day – speaking of ‘what you have to put your body through.'” She said the weight she gained was 30 pounds of Matthew.

“Me too,” I said smugly. “I gained 30 pounds of Matthew.” I did it, and I’m a vegetarian.

I need no mentor, no instructor; I need no Men’s Fitness guidelines telling me to eat beef and whey. I am my own coach, sitting like a dentist’s patient on the pec machine, millitary-masculine, silent shouts of motivation roaring like trumpets in my head.

Do you want to press 140!

Hell no, sir!

Why not!

Because it hurts, sir!

What are you gonna do?!

Do it anyway!

How’s it gonna feel!

It’s gonna hurt, sir!

When are you gonna stop!

When I’m no less than sixty-five percent to what my goal is, sir!

What’s your goal?

Ten reps, sir!

Then how many reps are you gonna do!?

At least six and a half, sir!

And when it hurts!?

I do it anyway!

I said what are you gonna do when it hurts!

Do it anyway!!

Are you ready!?




Go! And…

One! (one!)

Two! (two!)

Three! (three!)

Fffour! (four!)

Fffivvee! (five!)

Sssssiiiiiiixxx! (six!)


Six and a half!

Hell yeah!




And I am roaring, chest heaving, heart pounding, veins bulging and neck rippling to hold my expanding body in one piece. Already I am sixty-five percent as heavy and muscular as the average male college student in the gym – so sixty-five percent to where my goal is. Sixty-five percent! I could stop now, based on what I told myself when this began. Sixty-five percent! But I won’t stop. I will not stop! I’m on a roll, approaching slightly-above-average in fitness for men. I am twenty-one years old. I gained 30 pounds in 9 months. And at 5’11” and 163 pounds, I am the king of the gym.



  1. Wow. I hafta say: that’s hot.

    Comment by randomcha — March 6, 2007 @ 3:44 am | Reply

  2. “She said the weight she gained was 30 pounds of Matthew. ‘Me too,’ I said smugly. ‘I gained 30 pounds of Matthew.'”

    This incredible sense of humor you have is what keeps me coming back for more. 😉

    Comment by larrysphatpage — March 6, 2007 @ 5:04 am | Reply

  3. I hope you all get that this entry is a joke.

    Comment by ononehand — March 7, 2007 @ 12:46 am | Reply

RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

Blog at WordPress.com.

%d bloggers like this: