On One Hand

April 11, 2007

A Blog by Any Other Name

Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 12:44 am
Tags: , , ,

Speaking of blogs and the “genre” mine should have… In my observation, there are five kinds of personal blogs. They aren’t catch-all categories, but they’re dominant archetypes. I’d like to think mine is a mix of the whole bunch, or maybe includes three of the five options, but we know that a good portion of blogs in the Online world are fixed on just one of the following:

1: The Political Niche Blog.

The platform for the righteous intellectual, this is the blog where every entry is a diatribe on a new facet of basically just one political statement. The goal is to interpret the whole world through one nicely-packaged idea like “capitalism” or “Republicans are bad.” It includes the gay blog, where every entry is a new story about why you hate fundamentalist Christians, why you hate President Bush, who you heard the other day sounding homophobic, your take on a TV show you find “anti-gay,” why John Kerry is actually more like Jesus than Republicans are, and on and on. As this kind of blogger, you might ask, rhetorically, “how can people discriminate over something that’s such a tiny part of who I am;” then ensure that this “tiny part” of you is, ironically, all you manage to talk about. This blogging genre includes the libertarian blog explaining exactly how and why each country/person/idea in the world is pro or anti “market” and how, if everyone only listened to your ideas, American dollar bills would fall like manna from the sky over third-world countries – places that are currently caught in the viselike grip of the reckless Radical-Left expressed by American Democrats and “Socialist” parties worldwide. The blog could cleverly take the form of what you’re opposing as satire, fooling at least half of those who visit the site. The genre also includes the religious blog and all that it entails, why-you-should-be-Christian-just-like-me, with a specific emphasis on your particular congregation or parish opposing those awful “Protestants” or “Roman Catholics,” poorly-quoted texts from Augustine and John Calvin juxtaposed with every modern social issue.

2: The Obscure Media Blog.

This blog will showcase your tireless search for all news and media that is strange or entertaining, all posted conveniently in one place. “Did you know that in Mississippi it’s illegal to have sex if you have onion breath?” you’ll ask in a humor-journalistic tone. If your blog is in this category, you’ll take the cue from your friends and post Alanis Morrisette’s cover of “My Humps” to ensure every web surfer sees the video at least three times a day. Janet Jackson’s nipple is surely somewhere in your archives. You might include updates about Paris Hilton or Anna Nicole Smith, but the focus will be on things even more absurd or obscure: don’t forget about SHOES.

3: The “I Ate Rice on Tuesday” Blog.

This kind of blog is all about the minor details of life, and Myspace.com’s blogs are ground-zero for it. It’s where you say, “today I went shopping with Katrina and we picked out a really cool pair of jeans with fake holes in the knees,” or “I really hate that bitch, I need to explain how much of a loser this girl I work with really is.” More common is the almost-ubiquitous “I have been having awful luck with girls lately. Every time I think I found someone, he/she breaks my heart.” If you go on vacation, you’ll describe in detail (and post photos of) everything you did. If you take an Online quiz, you’ll post it so all can see “which Spice Girl you’re most like,” or what your Personality Type is. (See equally-useless “Who are my Celebrity Look-Alikes” or “What color is my personality?“) It’s because everyone wants to know what unusual hue your shit was yesterday – especially those who’ve never met you. This kind of blogging is the backbone of your relationships with your many Internet-only, out-of-state “friends.”

4: The Teenage Literary Blog.

My soul is dark like / Autumn’s night and / after the gray ages we know / all I can see is blood and sunsets…

The goth/punk/emo/alternative poet/photographer/graphic artist/”writer” flexes his or her growing creative muscle by posting sepia-toned photos of half-cropped feet and prose poems that would be otherwise scribbled on receipt paper and shoved into a half-forgotten drawer. This kind of blog is for when you call yourself a “poet” based on your flourishing poetry archive of 5 total poems embedded in your profile on myspace.com. You know you’ll be a big deal someday. Somehow. You just know.

5: The Dirty Pictures Blog.

Even when the photos are relatively clean, the main point of your blog is to offer something people can masturbate to. And if your pictures are undeniably dirty, it’s all the better for accomplishing your goal. You might have a serious porn photo blog with some literary content, or it might be titled “hot babes I like” and show photos with no contextualizing text. You get a little satisfaction knowing that, even if you aren’t as hot as the Abercrombie models you’re posting pictures of, to have an audience turning to your homepage as a source for sexual gratification makes you part of the voyeuristic process and gives you a taste of the desirability your photographed subjects share. Meanwhile, maintaining a blog like this, you get to talk and think about what you’re into as much as you want.



  1. I think my journal is about five different Political Niche Blogs these days. I’ve got the Angry Feminist niche, the Why Mainstream Christianity Is Fucking Scary niche, the Bush Sucks niche, the Evolution Is Cool niche, and Oh Shit, Oh Shit, We’re All Gonna Die. With a side of Rice on Tuesday, mostly of the I Hate My Goddamn Job variety.

    Comment by erinya — April 11, 2007 @ 8:14 am | Reply

    • Lol, I think all five of your described political niches can fall under the umbrella term “American Liberal Blog.” But don’t worry, your journal is more interesting than any base categories I’ve described here in their purest forms.

      Comment by ononehand — April 11, 2007 @ 8:20 am | Reply

  2. what about the “I ate obscure rice while writing a poem” blog? It’s quite scary how spot on these descriptions are. If I wasn’t that blogger, I know that blogger.

    Now I wanna go and watch Shoes. Followed immedeately by txt msg breakup. Oh, Kelly…

    Comment by fuzzymagenta — April 11, 2007 @ 1:24 pm | Reply

  3. I don’t know how to react to the fact that you added me after readding a comment from approximately 900000 years ago.

    I hope I don’t disappoint?

    Comment by music_stops — April 11, 2007 @ 7:58 pm | Reply

    • How could you ever disappoint me? If what you say is true, the comment I found was from 88,000 BCE. That’s almost a million years ago; our chests were still hairy and we looked like a cross between upright chimpanzees and skinny neanderthals. If I went looking that far for you, there’s not much you could say or do that could change my mind now. ( :

      Comment by ononehand — April 12, 2007 @ 2:35 am | Reply

      • The earth is less than 6000 years old! And evolution is not real! And my God hates you!

        Just kidding. 🙂

        Comment by music_stops — April 12, 2007 @ 2:37 am

    • The user icon you posted with caught my eye, but it was your taste in music that sold me. Ani Difranco is like a piece of my own etherial body turned girl and dressed with dreadlocks and angry poeticism. I’m pretty sure she’s my soulmate. Aside from that, you seem thoughtful and intelligent – and I can’t beleive you actually know who Dar Williams is.

      Comment by ononehand — April 12, 2007 @ 2:39 am | Reply

      • I feel kind of like “When I Was a Boy” by Dar Williams is actually my biography.

        & I need more Ani in my life.

        Comment by music_stops — April 12, 2007 @ 2:41 am

      • That song is good to. And for that, I am willing to overlook your interest in Hansen.

        It has also occured to me that you are probably a girl. And 17. I usually sleep with boys, but I can overlook all of that too. Rhode Island is a pretty cool state.

        Comment by ononehand — April 12, 2007 @ 2:48 am

      • Hanson! The ‘e’ makes it look weirdly Norwegian.

        Oh gosh, I guess my comments are less than bursting with femininity. 🙂 Yes, a girl, and yes, 17, but I sleep with boys, too, so we already have a lot in common.

        However, there is NOTHING cool about Rhode Island.

        Comment by music_stops — April 12, 2007 @ 2:55 am

      • You’ll like it again someday.

        Comment by ononehand — April 12, 2007 @ 3:23 am

  4. what do i fall under????

    Comment by octoberxswimmer — April 11, 2007 @ 9:44 pm | Reply

    • Probably a cross between #3 and #5; literary and personal. But you can probably define it for yourself.

      Comment by ononehand — April 12, 2007 @ 2:32 am | Reply

  5. Religious blog

    Hey, thanks for linking to me… except… I do none of the stereotypical things that you described. hehehehe. But hey, thanks for the link love anyway.

    God bless you!

    Comment by Anonymous — April 12, 2007 @ 5:09 am | Reply

  6. Undeniably Dirty


    Nice write up! Thanks for the link to my Dirty Picture Blog :)~

    Rick Long

    Comment by Anonymous — April 19, 2007 @ 8:45 pm | Reply

  7. Re: Religious blog

    > the blog is definitely overwhelmingly positive

    That is very high praise – many thanks!

    Comment by Anonymous — May 1, 2007 @ 6:52 am | Reply

  8. Coooool site

    Hi. I think that you will like this site. You for certain will find here everything, that you interests.

    Comment by Anonymous — May 18, 2007 @ 11:30 pm | Reply

  9. It seems it is that site

    It seems it is that site.

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    Comment by Anonymous — May 23, 2007 @ 4:30 pm | Reply

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