On One Hand

May 16, 2008


Filed under: Uncategorized — ononehand @ 12:22 am

There are big spoon days and there are little spoon days, I told him.

That is, days you can be the big spoon and days you need to be the little spoon, you just don’t have the energy or strength and hope someone will wrap you up.

So I said P—— today am having a little-spoon day, and he said, “OK I will hold you,” because he knows exactly what I mean when I say things even if I’m vague. He was a long way away and all we could do was talk, but I still felt it over my shoulders. And I had a dream that confirmed it for me that night.

I was disappointed because my grades came back worse than I had hoped, and because something I wrote got rejected (well a few things did) and I was having a hard time finding a job. My total college GPA was less than my target GPA, which made me feel, I dunno I said, made me feel like the last 5 years have been a failure. When I was a kid, everybody said I was so intelligent, that based on my IQ test I am supposed to be smarter than 749 out of 750 people and every teacher was always telling my parents “that kid has potential,” but since that time I’ve been on a steady decline. In high school they were calling me “slacker” and “lazy” and in college the kids in the journalism deparment were saying I “don’t belong in this profession” and professors didn’t know my name. If course I say fuck that, there isn’t a day in my life I haven’t worked hard even if it’s just to sit still and listen to boring shit they teach you (the same stuff again and again). But I don’t even meet the minimum requirements for the grad schools I want to go to. That’s minimum; not the ideal requirements, the minimum requirements. I know so many things, but I can’t put the knowledge together, I lose passion too quickly – even when things are going well I lose passion because if it’s going too well it becomes boring – and I can’t write it down, I can’t put it into a product that I can sell (everything about this culture says what you have is worthless if you can’t sell it), and everything I have learned or discovered in my life is going to wasted.

Of course he said no, that’s not true. I also knew it wasn’t true but I needed to hear him say it. And I needed to know he would do that for me.

I said someday I will be strong for you. Someday I will be the rock and you’ll be the church and I will do all I can to hold you up. I’ll bite my lip through the worst of it, you know, face into the wind and all that, because that’s what we do for each other.

Things are going to turn around soon, you know.

Once I felt love flowing over my left shoulder and that’s how I knew where Chicago was, that I was facing south. P—— had gotten some bad news and it was a good time for me to be the big spoon, so I did it, sending it over my shoulder past the cornfields and praries.

That was then, and now it’s my turn to be the little one.



  1. Grades, in the entirety of life, is not that big of a deal. You’ll always have your intelligence to guide you through the rough times of your life. You should be happy that you’re not a below average IQ.

    I’m sounding too much like a fortune cookie.

    Comment by eugenionni — May 17, 2008 @ 3:06 am | Reply

  2. Aw, big spoons and little spoons.

    Comment by octoberxswimmer — May 17, 2008 @ 9:51 am | Reply

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